9 months clean.
Hello dear reader,
Thank you for choosing to drop by my blog. I am writing this blog as a means of expression from what I have personally experienced and coping mechanisms I have utilised in the process, what we have gone through is equally as devastating im sure, but also different. If it helps to read this or you find comfort in it then I am glad.
I have always wanted to feel intense connections with people, something that pulls you from the mundane of everyday life to feel a specific bond between you and one other person. It helps make life feel less ordinary and in a way it helped me get away from aspects of myself maybe I didn't like in the every day ordinary version of myself.
So when I met my ex I was pretty much a lamb to the slaughter, I had been through it before and I knew I was tying myself to a broken person, but feeling that too I felt maybe together we would be stronger, and could find good in each other and create our own world away from everything else and everyone else that had hurt me.
Ultimately, I just wanted to be loved and needed and appreciated. And for that I would do anything and pay any price, and I did. It started like many other narc relationships do, he was funny, charming, good looking and seemed to want to know everything about me. So I told him everything, the good, the bad, the ugly. Almost daring him in the process to back off and do a runner - when he didn't i saw that as some kind of sign but I had no idea I had just given away all my cards.
During our relationship I changed as a person, All of a sudden there was shame in going out and getting drunk with my friends, or women being sexually liberated was a bad thing, he didnt like friends of mine who encouraged me to be my carefree self. He wanted me all to himself which I enjoyed, at first. I would find it refreshing that he would come home early after a night out and want to come straight over to see me. I thought we were in love but I know now I was wrong.
Then the fights started and he would insult me, throw things and then apologise profusely, in this society today we are taught that this is how couples who are deeply in love communicate, it's passionate, romantic and to be expecrted in "rough patches". Boy, was I wrong. I would get exhausted and end the relationship, but he would wear me down and I would be back again because no were else felt like home. I had poured all my time, energy, love and effort into this relationship that was crumbling. I felt hollow as a result, the cycle was never ending.
My anxiety and depression was at it's worst during this time, I lost my job, I was broke, couldn't see my friends, it was awful. It was around this time he asked me to move in and I was probably at my lowest and weakest. Despite being a strong willed person who would defend myself viciously when he would try to attack or hurt me with insults or worse - he always got the better of me with his manipulative ways and I think he liked the challenge.
My landlord had done me over by not paying council tax and i couldn't afford to pay rent, around this time he was moving out of his flat and asked if we could move into a house. We found a house and it was perfect - for a young couple, two bedrooms and better than we could have hoped for. It was make or break time. So I signed the 6 month tenancy and hoped for the best - I was going to try and fix it all and we would make it or I would leave.
During that time I was waiting for my CRB check to come back so i could start a new job which by the way was incredibly challenging and required me to undergo training which i did, on little sleep because we were arguing all the time about how mental I was and how irresponsible it was for me to have not found another job to cover myself til then. It was a harrowing time, I felt trapped and alone, ashamed by not finding the energy to dust myself off and find a job while dealing with the emotional stress I was dealing with.
I started to notice him coming home later after his gigs, one night I noticed glitter on his lips - and I was sure I could smell perfume, when he freaked out over his phone being in the bathroom while i was showering I should have known. The night we broke up I had already been trying to sleep on the floor in the spare room, we had a row and "our" room wearing his dressing robe, he followed me and pinned me up against the wall. At that time i knew it was over.
Over the next few days I tried to arrange getting furniture for the spare room as I had no where to go, or atleast thought so. I tried to stay civil but things came to a head when one day I was cooking food and he asked if he could have some, i agreed so and he went upstairs. I prepared two plates and put his serving out and called his name - he didn't hear so I decided to sit down and when he came down he accused me of leaving his to go cold and insulted me.
I snapped and went to throw the food away, he stood in my way, in my personal space refusing to let me throw away his food. I bent his finger back in a moment of rage after being intimated for months on end and he pushed me around the kitchen screaming. I was terrified and ran upstairs, at this point I knew I needed help and messaged a friend who told me he would come and pick me up.
I ended up staying at my grandads house and starting the new job with chronic depression and anxiety, it was one of the most challenging times of my life and it was in no way done at that stage. This was the last narc relationship I was in, I will probably post more but I wanted to give an overview to my experience. Please feel free to message or comment. Thanks for reading.