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January 8 at 8:29am


Its been 1 year since she broke everything of and told me to never contact her again , she have unblocked me on social media and we have tried working things [sign in to see URL] we always fall back and she goes back blocking me again, we haven't had any contact for about 5months now..

I knew her from High school through mutual friends and eventually started texting each other and getting to know each other only 5year after high school when she attended a wedding with me..

She was 26 , and I thought she was the most beautiful and smartest woman i ever knew.. funny,charming and had all the right characteristics a man is looking for in a woman

At first when I've gotten to know her everything seemed perfect for the first few months..
We never were in any relationship because of her rough past with her ex, they were together for 5years.. she told me she was raped by her ex bf , and he cheated on her for 2 years.. She once told me , she knew he was going proposed to her, and she intentionally started a fight so he couldn't propose to her.. i was never hassled about being in a relationship with her , because of her rough past and wanted to take things slowly at first, and she always said the reason she is showing feelings(sleeping ect) towards me is for one day when she is ready again..

I thought of myself as a strong independent man with heart that only see the best in others , that would do anything to see others happy , i was never jealous before meeting her and easy going and fun.

At first when everything went sour , till today i blamed myself.. broke myself down for hurting the only person i ever cared and opened up for, i couldn't take it hearing her telling me my words hurt her more than anyone else have before, when i was just being honest about the way she was treating me , also that I'm being clingy and pushy and jealous.. even tho i was the one who tried to understand her feelings and emotions after numinous times of trying to communicate with her when I thought she miss treated me

I never knew about narcissism, till google led me to different sites on the internet.

At first in the early months my gut always told me something wasn't right, she would spend a lot of time with 2 guy friends especially , going fishing ,playing squash and going clubbing with them.. it didn't bother me much because she told they were only friends, and she told me she wont play games with my heart, because she knows how it feels like to be hurt and miss treated. but one night, i bumped into her best friend and asked her if i was the only guy she is seeing , she told me no and mentioned the 2 guys... I questioned her and purpose we break contact after the wedding.. she phoned me crying and said she would never play with my heart... i believed her...

She spoken to me about her insecurities and reason for not wanting to go in a relationship and understood it mostly , and she bought me a cat to show me she cares and has feelings for me..

Things changed in the next few months when she constantly cancelled on dates on numerous times and i never knew what she was up to, and she couldn't make time ever to spend with me, times she fell asleep or had to work late.. it didn't bother me and i never questioned her about it at first, because i never wanted to be like her ex, but it did start bothering me seeing how she gets tagged on instagram in posts #love ect.. by a guy i knew liked her and was giving her attention.. seeing her organising dates on instagram for sushi with guy friends , but she couldnt show up on dates I arranged days earlier... one night when she didn't show up and had to work late , i went to check only to notice everyone left work already... i never told her i went to her work.. more nights when my friends spotted her with a other guy at a local pub who she claimed later was a family member , seeing her go out with different guys.. she will cancel evenings on me , only to find she went away with a guy the next day for a weekend, who she claimed was a friend only. when I started questioning her she will tell me "fuck you" , and I'm being jealous and needy.. and I'm not listening and man enough for her ,and I'm the problem.. i asked her to meet up to talk things out , but she never wanted to meet me or cancelled on me when she promised she will see me .i thought she didn't respect my boundaries and feelings, but whenever i liked a others girl picture on fb she would get angry and upset and tells me she cant worry about my feelings towards her and I then i apologised. This is only a few occasions that upset me , there were numerous different times when i had to question her.. and she always made me feel like I'm at wrong,insecure and jealous and belittled me.

Is this signs of a narcissist?? And normal behaviour, if you care for someone and respect them.. i know i was starting to be clingy to the end of our relationship and i did become jealous in the end, because i was scared of loosing her but i was always honest with her from the start about my feelings, and why I'm questioning her.

After months trying to talk to her to get closure, she just cut me off completely like i never meant anything to her, she told me what we shared was deep and something she never felt before , but she started seeing new guys instantly, which ended quickly as well.. if she was being honest about the deep and beautiful connection , why didn't she ever bother to make time to see me and talk things over, I was never aggressive towards her and i always talked to her in a mature and adult manner , but she made it seem like i would hurt her and I'm wrong.

From the start her ex , posted stuff like my crazy ex-gf you can have her , that I founded odd , but didn't question because i thought he was jealous about her moving on.. after time and everything when i was searching for closure , I asked an old mutual ex-best friend of hers, about her actions, and she told me she has been playing cat and mouse with guys for numerous years, another mutual friend told me she was the reason why his sister and bf broke of their relationship of 5years. All my friends and her old high school friends ,warned me she isn't who she says she is, but i still believed her and was feeling guilty about [sign in to see URL] told me her ex was her only bf before , but numerous names of guys of her past kept popping up always, how madly they were in love with her , but she never felt the same.. we met up one night, after she still knew of my feelings and intentions, and told me she met someone from abroad and told me before she went no-contact she loves him and planning to go abroad to visit him, i figured out he was married with 3 kids, but when i asked her she told me he was divorced..

She seems to always be loved by everyone on her social media , always posting selfies and beautiful quotes about life and love , but from the start it felt like that image of her life wasn't real and a attention thing for followers and a fake image of herself to be loved by others , and to show everyone what a good person she is.

Why do i still care for her and miss her, and why do i feel like i was at wrong and blaming myself?? Why do i still check up on her life trying to find answers, Why do i still hope she will contact me again??

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