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Mar 20, 2018 at 9:49am

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Forgive Yourself ! Day 1

March 20, 2018 at 11:30am

I only recently learned of such a phenomena, "NPD" Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
When I say recently I'd say within the last 10 month. That's how long I've been married. It was only in living with him day to day that I knew something was wrong (? or was it).
The year proceeding that was absolute chaos! Yet I went ahead and married him anyway. He told me it was "Total Validation".
I was so confused as to what was happening to me.
I put it down to:
Fear of commitment on his part, I thought he had been so terribly hurt by his ex wife, that it was my job to "Love him back" as in ... bring him back... to a place where he could truly believe that good people still exist, that Love is tangible.

I thought he had been badly disturbed by his upbringing ...
He moaned when I held him close to me ... like an injured puppy ... How could "The healer" in me resist ... Lol

I would never abandon him ...
I would love him unconditionally ...
I would do whatever it took to show him how good we'd be together ...

But Nothing was ever good enough ... I was tossed and discarded like an old shoe !

I once read this caption:
Life, as soon as you think you know the answers,
The questions change ...

This resonated with me, because it encompassed exactly what I was going through in my day to day life ...

He found the caption quite humorous!

I just couldn't settle, find a routine or find my synergy. My mind was working overtime ... OMW ... it's been exhausting, i feel depleted ...

I left last night. I've made the decision for NC.
This relationship is destroying me.
I only see remnants of myself.

I've decided that the first step to my recovery is to:

Forgive Myself ...

I want to find that vivacious, outgoing, bubbly person I used to be. I'll claw my way back if I have to !

And so my journey begins ... with great trepidation !

This site opened my eyes ... Now hold my hand ...

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