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Can anyone out there help me?

January 2 at 5:42am

Hello. This is my first post in a support group, so I apologize if it’s too long. I am so lost and don’t know what to do. It literally is taking all my energy to pick myself off the bathroom floor to write this. I met my Narc 4 years ago when I was 34 and fresh out of a marriage. Right away he and I had a connection. I felt passion and intensity with him more than I have ever felt before. We became serious quickly, but within 2 months he was transferred across the country for work. We maintained a long distance relationship for 4 years, with us seeing each other every two months, and texting hourly. Yes, hourly. I became so caught up with him, that I lost interest in going out with my friends and family because I would rather stay home and text him all night. In the 4 years we were together, we broke up 3 times. Each time it was him breaking up with me for trying to talk to him about his inappropriate behaviour. He would add women on social media while he worked away, he would accuse me of cheating when I never did, and so forth. Each time he left me, he would flaunt his new “relationships” on social media for me to see. It gutted me every time. Each time we were broken up, he wouldn’t “let me go.” He would send random messages which were extremely kind, telling me he missed me and still loved me. If I didn't reply, his messages would turn to rage where he would insult me like no other. Yet with each break-up he always came [sign in to see URL] crawling, but basically making me beg. It wasn’t all bad. In between he and I had so much fun. We planned a future together…as soon as he was finished working abroad, we would buy a house, get a dog, and start a family - something I have always wanted, and have been stressing about because of my age.

Two weeks ago, just before Christmas, he moved home for good. It was the first time we would be together. He purchased a house for us (we never did get to move into it), we booked a trip to Europe in March with the agreement that we would start a family after our one last big trip. It was everything I wanted. Throughout our relationship, he would text ex-girlfriends and other women. I would ask about them, even asking to meet them if they were as good of “friends” as he said they were. He would rage and say I was insecure, jealous, and controlling. Two days before Christmas we went out on a double date with friends. While at the dinner table, I noticed he was texting a woman who I had suspicions about. I called him out on it, and he flipped. He moved out the next morning. Needless to say, I was devastated and my Christmas was ruined. We had plans to have dinner with his family. He stayed with them over the holidays, and would text me and send pictures of them all together. He told me all of this was my fault and that I ruined his life. Heartbroken, I told him that I accepted his decision to leave and didn’t want to be with someone who would just leave me like that.

Three days before New Years, he started texting me how sad he is. How much he misses me. But how this is the only way. I told him I missed him too. And once I did that…NOTHING. He just disappeared. I know this is for the best, and I know I need to initiate No Contact because he will always come back, but I am still so in love and broken hearted. I have blocked him from social media after seeing he has been adding women from his past again, and have deleted him from Instagram. I know I need to block and delete his number, but I can’t. I feel like my life is over. That my dreams of a family have been destroyed. I will be 39 in two months. I can’t imagine getting over him, and meeting someone else before my biological clock has expired. He is 7 years younger, and a male, so this isn’t an issue for him. I am literally waking up having panic attacks, my heart feels like it’s bursting out of my chest, and I can’t stop crying. I can barely get out of bed to eat and haven't left the house since he left. Because it’s the holidays, my friends and family have their own things going on. They are trying to call and be sympathetic, but this is the fourth time we have broken up, so I think they are just frustrated by it all. Can anyone out there offer some advice?

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