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Nov 14 at 11:01pm

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How many steps does it take to turn your computer on?

November 24 at 4:39am

My computer takes 27 steps to turn on. Allow me to elaborate.

Step 1. I eat a sandwich. It is unacceptable to start ones computer on an empty stomach. Bagel or pretzel sandwiches are best, but wraps or fresh toasted white bread are acceptable.

Step 2. I call the power company and tell them I would like to hook up with the grid, and your mother.

Step 3. I wait for the power to start flowing, with the aid of an edisonian current indicator.

Step 4. Ponder the existence of God.

Step 5. Flip the main breaker, because it likely has not been reset since the last time I blew the breaker with my 384 strings of christmas lights that I use to signal the aliens that tell me where to find food, like Berger King.

Step 6. Bid good day to the fine gentleman from Mister Electric who have come to ensure that I am properly hooked up with power, and your mom.

Step 7. Reconsider the outcome of step 4.

Step 8. Dust, wash, vacuum, dry, defenestrate, demonize, and exfoliate my computer in anticipation of power connection.

Step 10. For pure unbridled braggart purposes, inform my neighbors that I am about to be hooked up to electrical power for computer use, as well as your mom.

Step 11. Break into a touching dance number with the local theatricals upon wonderful fantastic, terrific bombastic hooking up of power, and your mom.

Step 12. Take a short nap to calm my nerves, which are screaming uncontrollably at the prospect of power being applied to my computer.

Step 13. Approach computer.

Step 14. Decide whether or not my computer still sparks joy. If yes, proceed to step 15a. If not, proceed to step 15b.


(But also thank it for its time)

Step 16. Speedrun minecraft, but not on my home computer because it is not powered yet, instead using your mom's (step 15.5 implicitly being the trip to your mom's house).

Step 17. Return from your mother's house.

Step 18. Cut to slow motion shot of my finger, wavering, approaching power button of computer. Dramatic music begins playing at slowly increasing intensity. The lights begin to flicker, and the entire planet holds its breath in anticipation.

Step 19. The breath holding radiates outward at the speed of light. Soon, the entire solar system is holding its breath. The Orion arm follows, and within years, the entire galaxy is not breathing.

Step 20. As the slow motion shot becomes increasingly slow, my entire region of the universe starts to suffocate. The tension builds to literally unbearable levels.

Step 21. By this time, about two thirds of respiration dependent life forms have gone extinct. The sheer anticipation of the entirety of existence has become indescribable. Time hangs by a thread.

Step 22. I press the button.

Step 23. The room explodes with blinding light. My screen blasts 7 billion nits into my home office, vaporizing my house and everything within a 6 AU radius. My RGB keyboard completes the effect twice over at every wavelength of light known to man, and all the ones unknown to man as well. My hard drive is now rotating at 87 trillion RPM, and increasing every femtosecond. The fans propel air outward at such an incredible velocity that the atmosphere is steadily blasted into space, and the earth is catapulted out of orbit. Life as we know it is upended and ended forever.

Step 24. The computer is now on.

Step 25. Wonder what happened to step 9.

Step 26. Tell the power company to shut the power back off to save money.

Step 27. Eat another sandwich, because by now I am hungry again.

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The All New Crispy Pretzel Chicken Fries, Only At Burger King

November 18 at 5:01pm

When you lay awake at night awaiting the warm embrace of sleep, do you feel the weight of your meaningless existence press down upon you? Do you ever cry out in despair at your utter failure to develop a sense of identity? Do you worry that nobody will ever love you or truly understand you, or that those who claim to only know you on the surface? Do you fear that all your knowledge about the world is superficial and will never amount to anything that the other 7.6 billion people on this planet haven't already figured out?

If so, then you sound like one fartsack of a loser.

But fear not, for there is a simple and easy solution to your problems! Find out why top CEOs swear by this technique, for only $39.99! Leave your credit card information in the comments below.

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Triple N

November 14 at 11:00pm

There have been minimal casualties so far. But now, the 3rd week, is what will separate the boys from the men. I don't care where you are, or what you're doing when the urges hit: they're going to hit HARD. And you can't wait until that moment happens to respond or you're going to fall like the rest of them after it gets worse. You have to identify your problem areas, and make WAR on them now.
Throw any lotion in the house away and take it to the garbage can. Take the bar of soap out of the shower and toss it. Plan your day to minimize alone time, maximize productivity, and spend time at the gym. Tell yourself how you will respond to a dozen different scenarios so that they won't catch you with your pants down, literally.
This war is only just beginning, but you are not alone. Stand strong and fight like hell for your brothers and sisters beside you and your own future.

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Don't @ me

November 14 at 7:32pm

Don't ask, the real ones know what's up.

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November 12 at 9:15pm

I regret interrupting whatever important work you must surely be in the middle of, but there is a far more pressing matter at hand. It has come to my attention that because of our wanton carelessness with a critically dangerous compound, we are all in mortal danger.

This substance causes over 320,000 deaths per year, is the leading ingredient in pesticides, and was consumed by every known violent criminal in the days leading up to their crimes. In fact, this chemical is so lethal that 100% of those who consume it will die.

Because of our complete and utter neglect as a society, we have allowed ourselves to become complicit to the prevalence of this horrificly dangerous compound. We leave it laying around our dining places, we allow it into our homes through holes in our sinks, and we even stand by while our children consume it. Perhaps the only preventative measure we've taken is to construct our homes to divert most of it, but ambient vapor of this chemical still makes its way into our living spaces and even into our lungs.

So please, BE CAREFUL. Dihydrogen monoxide is incredibly dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

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Nov 11 at 4:11pm

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