angusmacinnes
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The Practical Scot
The Practical Scot
It has been rightly said that there are as many sides to the Scottish character as there are checks in a plaid ( a tartan kilt ). History, climate, and physical features have combined to produce the proverbially undemonstrative and thrifty Scot with his strongly developed sense of independence. But there are other equally prominent features in his make-up; and all the reliable estimates of the character of the Scot portray him also as a severely practical man, hard-working, competent, educated and hard-headed.
In moving about his world, he is concerned primarily with the practical use of things. When the Scot was shown St. Paul's for the first time his only comment was, " Man, it would hold a terrible, lot of hay. " And when the mayor of a major Scottish city was asked to express an opinion about the Pyramids his summing up was simply, " What a lot of masonry work and no rent coming in. "
There is a pungency and penetration in much of his humor, confirming that first and last he is a realist, with a homely grip on fact. This severely practical aspect of the character comes out in instances like these:
* * *
" And how is your new Minister getting on ? " the villager was asked.
" 0h fine, I think, " was the reply, " but he's hardly settled in yet. "
" But they tell me he is one of the kind that doesn't believe in Hell. "
" Well, " came the grim rejoinder, " He'll not be here long before he changes his mind. "
* * *
The day of the funeral had come and gone and the old widow was receiving a visit of condolence from some of her friends in the village who were reminding her life was indeed brief.
" It's just the way of the world, Mrs McKay, " said one of them with some word of comfort.
" Here today and gone tomorrow ! " was the matter-of-fact reply, " just like the Circus ! "
* * *
Andrew had been busy for a long time in clearing some very rough ground as an extension to his garden. After months of toil he was at last seeing some of the fruits of his labors and, with pardonable pride, was admiring the display of blooms and vegetables when the Minister approached with a smile of approval.
" Well Andrew, " he began, " I must say that you and the Creator have between you have done a grand job on this ground. "
But Andrew was not too pleased about the division of credit.
" Maybe so, " he replied, " maybe so -- but you should have seen it when the Creator had it all to Himself. "
* * *
One day, young Andrew was making very poor progress with his rice pudding, and his mother was doing all she could to encourage him to empty his plate. As a final inducement, she reminded him that, in China, there were millions and millions of children who would be thankful for even a small plate of rice.
But the matter-of-fact Andrew was not yet convinced.
" Well, " he challenged, " name one of them ! "
* * *
A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad woman standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, " Yes, please, I haven't eaten a bite of food for a week and I am very hungry !"
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a basket of food. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?"
" Oh, yes ! That food has made me very thirsty and I would very much like a drink!"
She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad woman leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"
" Oh, you beautiful woman, don't tell me you've got a golf course here too!"
--- 
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