starzlookdown
Love to Rock n Roll
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 a lot of WHINE to go with that cheese
I started replying in an email to my daughters question about why I feel glum, but after writing a twenty minute rant I realized that it would stress her out if I wrote all that to her. As my daugher she would feel worried and upset and helpless to do anything, and maybe even blame herself to some degree, which i would never want her to do.
So I'm going to vent here just to get it out of my system.
I am glum because I am so fed up. I've been realizing that when a house inspector checks out this house there will probably be so much that's not "up to code" that we won't be able to afford to fix it all and we won't be able to sell it this year or maybe next year, either. Also fed up with trying to catch up on four months of my husband's business paperwork that was supposed to be done by that effing bookkeeper when I was taking that course. She was very sick, she claims, and she also says she left several phone messages and emails. That may be true but I was so overwhelmed with the course I just asked my husband to phone her, and of course he didn't.
I'm sick of all the worry and stress his business causes me, and I get a strong feeling that he is owed money by various customers but he's lost track because he runs around in such a rush and puts their interests ahead of his own and doesn't talk money (as in "Will you be able to pay that amount when you pick up the truck?") and probably didn't make them sign the contracts half the time. When I point out all the names in the Accounts Receivable he always insists that some of them have paid. Right. They paid but there's no record of it. I don't have the wherewithal to hunt through our bank statements and figure out if they paid or not. So I ask him to talk to them and get specifics about when they paid, the cheque number and if they paid in full, etc. He forgets, or perhaps doesn't feel comfortable doing it.
I'm so sick of all this. I have visitors coming in the summer and I'll bet I'll get no cooperation about making this place presentable and fixing things. He's never even home on Sundays because he's bending over backwards for people who will wait till their truck is done before telling him they can't afford to pay right away, at least not all of it. I've never heard him ask about that before starting a job and he ignores my insistance that its important to ask that and to inform them that there will be interest added for every day late. We pay for their parts, and I'm sure some of them have ended up getting free work!!!
I can't even get him to sell the oversized ****ing fridge that's cluttering up our family room for years now. (He bought it because its BIG, even though it can't fit in our kitchen!)
How can I complain to him when he's been working straight through entire weekends almost every weekend since last October? (But what good does all that work do if he isn't getting paid all the time?) I do appreciate that he's working hard and I'm not working hard enough right now, but I am the one who is left to pay the bills with no money in the bank and then worry about the money, and I do worry, waking up at night with anxiety and insomnia. He doesn't. He takes no responsibility for paying taxes or knowing if we've paid taxes or knowing how behind we are with our taxes. He lets me worry about that when we are too broke to pay on time. Right now the bank account looks good but chances are all the cheques we wrote to pay bills haven't come out yet. When they do will we be able to get a decent car so replace our dying wrecks? Will we be able to hire a contractor to do a bit of the badly needed work around here?
Probably not even one of those choices, let alone both.
Today Thorncrest Sherway called and I lied about who I was because I thought it was a charity. After I got off the phone I called Dad and asked why one of his parts suppliers was calling here. "The statements are all at the office", I said. Did he photocopy them and send them to Thorncrest as I suggested last week? He had no idea what I was talking about, which means "no". He said he told them "She isn't here." I said "Why are you telling them that? Tell them I don't work there anymore!" He wants them to think that I'm still responsible for the book keeping so that he doesn't talk to them. In fact he's back to bringing the bills home to me now that I'm not taking the course, so in effect I AM responsible for the book keeping whether I want to do it or not (I don't), whether I know what I'm doing or not (I don't), whether I can remember things properly or not (I can't). It's dumped on me and I do it because I feel like we are already in so deep we can't afford to get cut off by his parts suppliers. I keep hoping I can get a book keeper or someone involved so that I can get the hell away from this because I don't know what I'm doing to the extent of being able to figure out if he's paying for things he shouldn't or if he has not been paid something he was supposed to be paid, or given credit he was owed, etc.
I'm so sick of all this because for a brief while I saw light at the end of the tunnel. I was getting job training, in order to get decent pay, get this dump fixed up a bit before our visitors come, get it fixed up enough to move, and hopefully be in a house I didn't despise by the end of 2008.
Now I feel like the light has gone out again. We are in debt up to our eyeballs, he runs his shop well but his business badly (if you know what I mean), and now with the pain in his hands its highly unlikely that he could get a job somewhere else. Most of the time he seems happily oblivious to just how bad things are, while I wake up at night with anxiety attacks, my hair started thinning a few weeks ago, and I eat too much during the day because I've got nothing else to look forward to.
The course I wanted to take the most is too far away no matter where I chose to study, and our vehicles are in ****tier shape than ever. The only course thats cheaper and easy to reach is nursing which could turn out to be a nightmare job, according to a lot of people who work in it. Many Canadian nurses are forced to work twelve hour shifts without being a 'full time' employee, therefore no benefits.
In any case I'm not a graduate of nursing yet. I haven't even applied or started and I'm now 46.
If I get a part time job around here the pay would probably be minimum wage. I can't work full time because if I do, we won't get any work done on the house. The days and weeks would fly by with me too tired and stressed out to even think of it, let alone get it done. I know I can only stay on top of things here if I only work part time. But when I look at myself and how I look and my weight I know it's very unlikely that anyone will hire me anyway. People just think that way.
There's something else too, although I'd feel like such a witch for saying it if it turned out I was wrong, because after all he does work long hours and he works very hard. But sometimes I wonder if he wants things this way. Is he stashing money somewhere because he knows I'm not happy in this marriage? Well making us broke doesn't help it, does it?! But I could see him doing that, I hate to say it. I've seen examples of his worst side. Or maybe he'd figure that if we can't afford to fix up the house then I can't pressure him to move. Or maybe he wants me to leave, but I have to be the bad guy in the eyes of the kids. I have to be the one who gets fed up and ends it, so he pretends he cares but at the same time makes things unpleasant for me. Probably a paranoid thought, but now and then it pops up...
Well now I've *****ed and whined about everything. Perhaps tomorrow I'll feel like I can take care of some of it. But its such a huge bloody load.
---
Lo's Road (at Multiply blogs)
The point of the journey,
is not "to arrive"...
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1/21/2008, 4:12 pm
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starzlookdown
Love to Rock n Roll
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Registered: 05-2006
Posts: 819
Loved: 29 (+29/-0)
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Re: a lot of WHINE to go with that cheese
Thanks Dy! {{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}
---
Lo's Road (at Multiply blogs)
The point of the journey,
is not "to arrive"...
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1/21/2008, 6:01 pm
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starzlookdown
Love to Rock n Roll
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Posts: 819
Loved: 29 (+29/-0)
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Re: a lot of WHINE to go with that cheese
thanks Dy, that horoscope turned out to be true. Today I decided I would just tackle things a little at a time. Today I moved clutter out of the corners and put things in closets and the garbage. I forgot to buy tote bins when I was out because a store employee was helping me find big buckets and that distracted me. I always have that problem when I accept help at a store. After they help me I go walking straight to the cash register instead of remembering other things I have to buy. Anyway, I'll get the totes tomorrow and keep on tidying and organizing.
I'm going to ask my daughter to come up Thursday and Friday and help me sand and paint the family room. I'll get my son to help too since he isn't working right now. Once the room is painted I'll get him to put door trim up around the sliding doors. I bought the curtains for that doorway last summer and have been waiting all this time to see the work finished.
As for the bathroom, all we can do is get estimates and decide what we can afford to do with it. Perhaps the bank would even give us a home improvement loan, but they'd probably want me working first. Anyway I need to get a job if I hope to pay for renovation work.
---
Lo's Road (at Multiply blogs)
The point of the journey,
is not "to arrive"...
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1/22/2008, 12:18 pm
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freesprite
A-Muse-ing Angel
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Registered: 10-2005
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Re: a lot of WHINE to go with that cheese
Wow Starz you are dealing with alot. I wish I had some advice that would help ya. Seems you have done the best thing which is to just start to tackle the stuff you can handle. Once you start doing that you begin to feel better and stronger to keep going.
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Once in a while you get shown the light In the strangest of places if you look at it right.
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1/24/2008, 5:48 pm
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