supersonic4
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Aliens
This is a story about me stopping aliens from invading earth
chapter one. the curse of the cristals
It all started when I was useing my cristal growing set. I was waching my cristals grow when I saw a green blob. there where 3 colours. the one with a green blob wasn't on the green one. I stared at it. that was so unusaral. all I wanted was cristals.hang on! I can see inside it. it looks like something sleeping. like an alien lifeform. wait! uhh yuk. some liquid inside it. like its been sick  .then a red eye came out. is it awake.it was like a red lazer. I stared at my cristals and when I looked back at the egg. It grew!
what will happen next? find out in chapter 2.
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http://www.aslongastherearebrokenlinksgulibilityliveson.com/
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Dec/29/2004, 4:37 pm
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supersonic4
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Re: Aliens
Tomowrow afternoon hopefully.
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http://www.aslongastherearebrokenlinksgulibilityliveson.com/
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Dec/29/2004, 5:05 pm
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supersonic4
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Re: Aliens
Praised you for likeing my work  (smile79)
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Dec/29/2004, 5:34 pm
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supersonic4
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Re: Aliens
Chapter 2. the alens powers.
I was astonished because of the alien. so suprised.was this realy an alien. what was that liquid.and my hands felt a bit sticky. I placed the egg onto the carpet and I looked at my hands.there was some sort of goo. I pealed the goo off my hand.I streached it into a squre shape. the red light from the egg shone onto the goo.It shot right through. right before my very eyes. I have no Idea why it didn't shoot me.oh my I said.I put the goo down. the the red light shone all around the room.mum came in and frose. then a few seconds later. she colapsed
what will happen next. find out in part 3.
like this alien smilly 
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Dec/30/2004, 1:16 pm
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Kev2012
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Re: Aliens
lol, the smilie fits your story very well.
Again another good chapter, but if i may, could i offer some advice.
Firstly if you ran your story through a simple spell checker it would make for much easier reading. None of us are perfect spellers, and a lot of your mistakes merely look like typos, but just put it in Word (if you’ve got it) and it’ll help immensely.
Secondly the paragraph is very tightly clustered, if you see what I mean. People speaking is right in the middle of your general narrating.
I’ll try my best to show you what I mean by the above, by editing what you done, and please don’t be offended, I’m just offering some help that might get you some more positive feedback on what is some very good writing.
Chapter 2. the aliens powers.
I was astonished because of the alien. So surprised. Was this really an alien? What was that liquid? And my hands felt a bit sticky. I placed the egg onto the carpet and I looked at my hands. There was some sort of goo. I pealed the goo off my hand, stretched it into a square shape. The red light from the egg shone onto the goo then it shot right through, right before my very eyes. I have no Idea why it didn't shoot me.
“oh my” I said.
I put the goo down. Then the red light shone all around the room, mum came in and froze, then a few seconds later, she collapsed.
Only a few simple changes, some spelling corrected and the paragraph broken up, on the whole the grammar was o.k, only a few little things, like when somebody asked a question finishing that sentence with a question mark and alike. But like I said the story has the basis of being really good, thanks for sharing mate.
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Jan/2/2005, 9:20 pm
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