Katayoon
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I would appreciate any comment :)
I have started writing a novel and it is my first attempt  i have writen three chapters so far and i need comments on the style, the wording and the way i have so far handled the story. i would appreciate any tips from you , thank you!
Chapter 1
“FATHER! FATHER!” those were the screams of the warrior dressed all in black leaning over the still body of the king. The echo of the cries was interrupted by the devilish laughter of king’s murderer. Eyes still damp with tears of pain and loss, the warrior turned to face the source of the ghastly chuckle. He was standing too far to be recognized and his golden mask was hiding most of his face. He cast a look of ridicule on the two figures on the ground, turned his back to them and the silhouette of his body faded into the dark after the sunset.
Too weak to move, the warrior reached a shaking hand for her helmet, and removed it to reveal her long raven black hair dropping down to her waist. With a cry of agony she rested her head on the open chest of the king and let her tears wash the blood. She knew that she was the reason her father was dead now. If only she was not so stubborn… if only she had not begged him to accompany him on this battle, he would not be dead now … he would have been the one leaving the battlefield victorious. The most beloved king of Hoor the land of Sun was slain by the hands if his very own daughter. Princess Linen raised her head and stared at the lifeless eyes of her father, which only reflected the worry for his daughter’s life. With a voice shaking with pain she said,” I swear to your blood my king; I shall not rest until I take your revenge. I shall take revenge father, I shall take revenge...” and her sobs faded in the sound of the still ongoing battle.
Chapter 2
The air smelled like the earth after a good night of rain, only that now the earth was satiated with blood. Linen raised her throbbing head off the chest of her father. For a minute she could not remember what she was doing there and why she had spent the night in the castles yard. As she let her puzzled eyes rest on the stiff body of the king, it all came back to her in a flash. She remembered that it was not the castles yard where she was now, it was the battlefield of his father’s last combat, some thirty miles across the borders of Hoor the land of sun. The morning breeze playfully clutched at her long hair and mockingly hit her wet cheeks with them, as if it wanted to say,” see what you did.” She tried to tie her hair in a knot; the blinding tears were enough to blur her eyesight. Gathering all her might, she tried to stand. At the first attempt, she realized that she could not use her left arm to support her weight; she could see the narrow thickened blood on her graceful long fingers, her arm was badly cut from the last night’s fight with the masked murderer. She shifted her weight on her right arm and with one pull; she dragged herself on her shivering feet. Standing atop of the hill, she had a good view of the battlefield and to her surprise, she saw most of their men standing. As it slowly sank in, a feeling on pure gratitude towards their soldiers warmed her heart, she realized that they had not lost the battle. She could see their warriors attending to the wounded soldiers on the ground. She thought their men had fought bravely just as her father had trained them to. The morning sun shone on their black steel armor, which was marked, with a golden sun on the brassard. As she watched, the men leading the captives toward the temporary camp they had set up, she saw a warrior climbing the foothill. He was noticeably bigger than any typical soldier, with an aura of strength and grace surrounding him. She perfectly knew who he was, the general of his father’s army. The only man she did not want to see right now. She thought,” gods damn him, now I have to explain why I am here! Make haste! He should not see me! Grab the helmet!” She frantically looked for her helmet on the bloodstained hilltop. She had worked out a deal with her father to stay anonymous and not let anyone know that she was in the battlefield. He had explained to her that if the enemy would get a wind of this, their first strike would land on her. It was all ironic to her that her father’s worry had come true and the hilltop had become his deathbed. As she fastened the shinny black helmet with a golden sun right on the forehead, she heard the footsteps of Sir Angelo right behind her. She turned to face him, her left hand still on her helmet, trying to slip the last of her hair inside. “You fool! The king is dead and you are here polishing your *******ed helmet?!” Sir Angelo shifted his chilling gaze to the reckless soldier standing beside the king. His voice threatening an immense punishment. Seeing the furry in his eyes, she took an unconscious step backwards. “Go get the medics NOW you useless excuse of a soldier before I twist your neck. I had always told the king not to bring scrawny fools like you in the army.” Without a word, she turned her back to him and headed to the temporary camp, thankful for the errand to escape the scene. The last glimpse she took of the army General was he leaning on her father’s body, a feasted hand on his heart, his graceful head bowed in respect.
Chapter 3
Queen Narcissus sat gracefully in front of her royal dressing table. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and let her criticizing eyes hunt for a flaw in her snobby lined face. She let a graceful finger run dramatically over the crow’s feet around her hazel eyes. Everything in her projected power and confidence, the wrinkles around her eyes only added to depth of her eyes, which were now a little damp because of the news of her son’s death. Abruptly she got on her feet and called for her personal maid, Kathleen. “Bring me my black velvet gown.” Said the queen in her rasping voice, as she cast a final look of approval in the mirror and sat on her royal bed. Kathleen the oldest of the castle maids started untying the laces of the black velvet gown with shaky fingers. “It’s a great loss to the kingdom my lady, our beloved king, oh how sad.” She finished undoing the buttons with a long sniff. “Indeed dear Kathleen, indeed. Have you seen princess Linen this morning? Send a word for her to come to me instantly. I need to have a word with her.” Eyes still soaked in tears; Kathleen bowed to the queen now standing again in front of the mirror and left the queen’s chamber. Narcissus admired the contrast of the pale of her skin with the black of the gown. “Dear Linen will have to listen to me this time, for her own good.” Now that her son was dead, the power had returned to her in all it’s glory. This was the time to teach this little brat a lesson her father could not teach her. Queen Narcissus smiled cunningly as she patted some more powder on her already pale cheeks.
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-Kat
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May/13/2006, 9:27 pm
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Katayoon
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It's been seen Kev, you can go on with then *moving* :) need any help with the heavy stuff? :)
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-Kat
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May/13/2006, 10:54 pm
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Katayoon
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you know Kev, the problem is that i DONT WANT TO write simple :) you have any tips for me to improve myself? i have a good imagination, what i lack is the words to describe them lol and to be honest i have not read that many sci-fi books to know the *big* words they use lol
and um about the moving thing, be my guest! move me wherever you please, i did not know where to post in the first place so it is better to put me where i blong :)
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-Kat
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May/13/2006, 11:03 pm
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Kev2012
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Re: I would appreciate any comment :)
Hum, i don't think the complexity of a story is defined solely by the type and size of words you use. What i meant when i said it was simple was not derogatory; I meant you kept the plot, and divulging of the plot, simple. You can have complex plots but portray them simply. I think that is an asset for a writer.
HOWEVER, if you want to make your stories seem more intellectual, sentence structure and depth is the key. It comes over time and personally I have no little “tricks” to help with this area of writing. All I will say is write as often as you can, on paper, on your pc, forums, myspace, whatever! Just keep your creative juices flowing by writing as often as you can. I would say from that stems a new grasp on the English language and you may not notice it, but other people will. You will gain a new diversity in your writing and in essence an intellectual slant to even the simplest stories will come like a second nature. Also bare in mind this is, however, not to every readers liking.
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May/13/2006, 11:54 pm
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Katayoon
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lol Laiton, thanks for your comment, you are quite right there. but i recommend you read the improved version of the story. i have changed many parts there. you can find it in the writing story section, " a Blade for two" i would like to know your opinion after you read that. :)
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-Kat
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May/31/2006, 9:18 pm
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The F0NZ
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Re: I would appreciate any comment :)
quote:
Laiton wrote:
The language and such is good, no I think you could spare these thoughts for a little later, maybe in a couple of chapters or so, and focus more on what the hero is feeling at the moment. Personally I image someone in great pain have other things on their mind, but that is just my view.
Totally agree Laiton. And i think it was mentioned in the story section. The updated version is far better in my view.
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May/31/2006, 9:40 pm
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