Apoorva
The
Lepidopterist
Registered:
02-2005
Location:
In my head....
Posts:
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Family Heirlooms
1. Jewels
Ordinary families, so I hear, often have great caskets of jewels they lovingly pass down from generation to generation, shining gold watches and heavy jeweled necklaces designed to weigh down the flabbiest neck.
Our family has no jewels. We would have presumably had jewels if my maternal great grandfather (may he rest in peace) hadnt embezzled a lot of money from the government. It wouldnt have been so bad if he hadnt been a terribly incompetent criminal. He was found out and all the family loot (yes, the jewels too) was snatched away by the officials. Grandmum was fairly put out I remember, first thing the family did was buy the couple a new set of dishes. Aside from these minor incidents, he was a great old guy. Taught me how to pick a lock he did.
2. Tennis rackets
Indian families form a solid reliable section of the tennis racket purchasing market, albeit a sluggish section. One tennis racket is purchased by one family. It is then passed around reverentially from one plump Indian kid to the other. Stored in dusty cabinets for years upon years, because you never know. One day the British might invade again. And demand to play tennis.
3. Winter Jackets
One winter jacket is purchased by one Indian family, usually furry with buttons the size of Frisbees. This is then passed reverentially down to the plump Indian youth who is Going Abroad (because as god and all tourists know, India is a Very Hot Tropical Country, rendering the winter coat useless here, except as a quick collector of dust).
The plump Indian youth then sends home a sheaf of pictures of him standing proudly in front of the Statue of Liberty, wearing the aforementioned winter coat, his face glowing with sweat and sexual desire for white women.
4. Useless Sheets of Paper
One plump relative who works in the government is purchased by one Indian family (hello granddad!). And because India is a bureaucratic tangle (unrivaled by any one of those hotshot African countries, who think theyre cool, with all the genocide and AIDS), this relative goes on to collect many many many sheets of typed upon paper. Mountains of it.
These sheets without fail have one blank side.
This blank side is spotted by the plump relative, and a light bulb pops above his head. He then proceeds to waddle home with the sheets stuffed under his already bursting shirt, and then fastidiously bind them together over a length of many days with miles of shoelaces. The blank sides can be used by the family! What if theres a paper emergency! WHAT IF we run out of paper and the plump Indian child must MUST practice his maths before his Entrance Examination to get into Top Engineering Institute! So the self sacrificing plump relative binds the paper together, and passes it around the extended family.
Just. In. Case.
5. Hair Oil
One bottle of mangy hair oil (usually concocted with bits of elephant feces and motherly love) is purchased by one Indian family. This stays on a particular shelf in the home till it is required. Suddenly the mother (or other miscellaneous female relative) takes a sharp look at the bowed head of the studying plump Indian child. Can it be! Yes it is! It is dandruff/lice/horse flesh on the unsuspecting childs head! The motherly relative bellows to the young girl in the adjoining room, HAIR OIL NOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW! It is pounded into the plump Indian childs scalp until he is reduced to a heap on the floor, whimpering uselessly. But yes, after a short period of recuperation, he awakens with shiny healthy hair that billows in the wind, albeit with a death grip on his scalp. The hair has been to hell and back, and has been taught A Lesson.
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There is no one alive in the world who is Youer than You. - Dr. Seuss
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Apr/10/2008, 10:03 pm
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