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MRE Dinner Date as told by a Marine
For those of us who have tasted MREs or know what they are will appreciate this little story. This was told to me by a longtime single Marine who had tried to impress his girlfriend.
MRE (Meal-Ready to-Eat) Dinner Date
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day
before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had
before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my
trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when
eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:
I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out
three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la- King, and
eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some
dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in
one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a
glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450
degrees.
When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and
a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE
cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things
from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly things on
it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five
packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I
heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky
gelatinous xxxxxxx, and Sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Viola-
-Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military
Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military
Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in
four packets of "Electrolytes- 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear,
the packet says that). It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles
in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover
sand from Egypt).
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set
the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that
**** is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on
sale at the LeJeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal
wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with- meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw
the food, and said, "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of
balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it
I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner. At
the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed
with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate
what?
Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup
Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to
herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her
utterance of dismay.
Let the games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener
(Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes
smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious
pained look. After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and
retreated to the bathroom for the second time, I could hear her
say "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she again send flatulent
shock waves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda
wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again,
LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the
chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to
her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without
a word, she ROCKETED up and! FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door,
and didn't come out for 30 minutes. I turned the movie up because I
didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming
down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face,
and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I
am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!"
I gave her an Imodium AD,
and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she
had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed
her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After
explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories
of "Marine Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me
incredulously, and said, "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that
was made 3 years ago?" After I rogered, she grabbed her coat and
keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she
couldn't **** for 5 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so
bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me
she had been working out nonstop to combat the high caloric intake,
and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she
was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that
was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date.
She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I
had been in tears on the couch. I know ... I'm an asshole, but it was
still a funny night.
Once a Marine, Always a Marine
Semper Fi!
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Jul/22/2007, 4:30 pm
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