runnerkel
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Loneliness
It's so annoying that I'm so lonely and depressed right now.
I just got back from Spain like 2 days ago, so I shouldn't be lonely...but I am.
Over the past month and a half I've felt my friends slowly slipping away. We're growing apart and I can feel it. The only problem is they're all getting closer and I'm drifting. And I'm trying so hard to hold on but I just can't. I don't really have anybody anymore.
I've watched a friend or two start getting into drinking and other things that I don't really have a problem with but just don't really have a desire to take part in. All of my friends have new friends and new people they're hanging out with and I just don't fit in with them. I've been replaced. They just don't need anyone to fill the spot that used to be mine anymore. Whatever it is I was to them, obviously they've all found someone else.
You sort of expect some type of welcome when you've been gone 10 days and you finally come back. When you've missed them so much and can't wait to talk to them and tell them what you saw and did and hear about what you missed at home and you text them saying "yay! I'm back!" And their only response is "Oh. I see." And when you ask if you can hang out they say, "Maybe later in the week." and you never hear from them again. Granted, it's only been two days. But I'm LONELY! I realize I don't have to do something with people every day but I know that THEY are together almost every day...so why don't I get to go along? I used to fit with them, why don't they want me anymore?
And what kills me is that they're so happy. They're all SO happy. And I'm happy for them. But what about me? Why don't I get to be happy? You know that feeling of security of knowing that you have these amazing people who care about you and that feeling of just being WANTED? I don't have that. Because I'm not wanted. They keep telling me that I am. But how can I possibly be wanted if they NEVER call me asking to do anything? I call and they usually are inclined to hang out...but why do I always have to call? Why don't they ever want to do anything without me pushing and begging? I want to be happy too.
There is still one person who can always make me happy. She's amazing. I'm always completely and 100 percent myself with her, more than all the others, and I love her for letting me be like that. We're SO compatible and great friends. Our personalities just match and when I'm with her I'm so happy that I don't even care about all the others because I know that she wants me and cares about me and wants to be with me. But she moved. And I miss her so much.
She was the only person who just really GOT it. She was the only one who could laugh with me about everything and I just got to be ME when I was with her. No facades, no lying, nothing fake. Just me and only me. We laughed about things for rediculously long times...when all my other friends would get tired of something I thought was really funny after about 10 minutes we would be laughing about the same thing weeks later (we're still laughing about things that happened 2 months ago). I never had to worry about her cancelling on me or making fun of me or hurting me. We got to do concession stand blitzes in which we planned up to 5 courses at track meets and our sisters' softball games and I didn't have to worry about her thinking I was gross for eating so much.
She NEVER made plans and then abandoned me for better ones. She never hurt me like some of my other friends did. I was happiest when I was with her. And I even liked her friends...I was always SO happy and had so much fun. So much better than being with any of my other friends. We had rediculously long movie marathons (Lord of the Rings trilogy in a day...) and played children's games and play-dough and ran around barefoot for no good reason. And SHE'S the one who was taken away. To be shockingly honest, I'd give up just about any of my other friends to have her back. It'd suck without them...but at least she wanted to be with me and made me happy. And now I won't see her for at least a month. Even losing Darci didn't hurt this much and she was one of my VERY best friends.
I didn't realize how important she was to me until she's gone. I didn't realize how much I absolutely NEED her in my life to be happy. But now she's gone and I have no clue what to do. And she's leaving for camp in 2 days and I won't even be able to CONTACT her for almost a month.
The other worst part is that her family came back this past week for her sister's softball tournament, but I was in Spain. They would have stayed until Saturday if the team had done well. Well their team sucks, so Friday at 4:00 pm they left to go back home. My plane landed in Iowa at 6:30. I could have SEEN her!
But now I'm stuck without her and with my friends who give me one word answers and when they deign to hang out with me are constantly texting other more fun people. How hard is it to have a fulfilling, happy friendship these days? I just want to be happy and have fun. It's my last summer before college...
Sorry...I needed to vent. I'm so painfully lonely. I'd rather be in Spain.
---
The following statement is true:
The above statement is false.
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6/22/2008, 8:41 pm
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addieadds
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Re: Loneliness
aw, Kel... *hugs*
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*~Addie~*
"Too much of a good thing is wonderful."--Mae West
"Music is the devine way to tell beautiful, poetic things to the heart."--Pablo Caslas
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7/5/2008, 3:49 pm
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worshiper
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Registered: 04-2007
Location: lalaland duh
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Re: Loneliness
aw im sorry girl. i m prayin for ya.
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10/28/2008, 7:56 pm
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