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SKOKEY
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Death - What do you say?
A life-long friend of mine died a couple days ago. I went to school with him and the girl he would eventually marry. Here's where it gets complicated. He had a drinking problem which was causing trouble with his marriage. It was so bad that he spent most of the Summer living at my Summer house. His wife suspected him of cheating on her and although he didn't come out and tell me, It seemed pretty clear to me that he was. His drinking got him fired from his job although he never drank "on the job". His wife had enough of his destructive behavior and they were headed toward divorce. He had a lawsuit with his former employer to get his job back and every time I asked him about it, he said it was still in litigation.
I don't know the details of his death but I suspect that he may have lost the suit and with the rest of his life being a total mess that he brought upon himself, he may have killed himself. He was 47, healthy, physically fit, and he died "unexpectedly in his home"
I want to send a card to his wife and two adopted children, but given what I just told you, what do you say? She might even be glad he's dead. He told me that even his kids were turning against him.
I can't send some kind of religious card because it's just not me and she knows it. She has a trust fund for the kids so I can tell her that I made a contribution to it as she requested instead of flowers.
Any ideas?
Last revised by SKOKEY, 2/1/2008, 7:49 pm
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2/1/2008, 7:49 pm
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toxiczen
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Re: Death - What do you say?
you know the situation best, my advice would be to be honest, and compassionate. she is aware there marriage was suffering because of his drinking so that goes without saying... maybe express the good things you recall about your friend, maybe express sympathy for her children, i find it hard to believe she or they "wanted him dead" that sounds like paranoid alcoholic ranting. BUT! i don't know as I'm not involved. be open to her and give her ample opportunity to express her feelings without necessarily trying to propose "solutions".
i find in situations like this that i do best when i don't quite have a "plan" and i just let my intuition and love do the talking...
---
"Love is the strongest force the world possesses, yet! it is the humblest imaginable."
~Gandhi
"it is easier to tell the truth: you don't have to remember anything"
~Mark Twain
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2/1/2008, 8:37 pm
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SKOKEY
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Re: Death - What do you say?
Thanks Tox.
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2/1/2008, 10:29 pm
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toxiczen
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Re: Death - What do you say?
your welcome, also one thing i recall saying to my close friends mom who coincidentally died of alcoholism is "i hope you find comfort in the peace he may have found" she was comforted by that.
me and Joe were good friends for a long time, he was never an aggressive, paranoid, or negative drunk, he just drank a lot, a whole lot, and it eventually did him in. he was also an excellent chef he taught me a lot about cooking, and he had a great sarcastic sense of humor.
---
"Love is the strongest force the world possesses, yet! it is the humblest imaginable."
~Gandhi
"it is easier to tell the truth: you don't have to remember anything"
~Mark Twain
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2/2/2008, 8:53 am
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Lesigner Girl
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Re: Death - What do you say?
I'm very sorry for your loss, Skokey. 
If anything, she might be feeling regret over things she may have said to and/or about him, not finding him help, or whatever else she feels she may do differently if given another chance. Of course, it is not up to her to find him help (he had to want help first), and I can understand saying some pretty negative things about someone who let alcohol run his life instead of taking care of himself and the family he committed himself to. Even so, that doesn't always stop people from beating themselves up over what they feel they should have or could have done.
This isn't to place blame on either of them. He had a problem, it became her problem and her children's problem, and she had to distance her children from that problem. Even if there were no children involved, I still wouldn't blame her for leaving, and she probably did everything she could to get him to stop before it came to that. Unfortunately, he could not find it within himself to overcome his problems and do what he needed to do.
My point is that she may be having mixed emotions right now. She may be glad the "situation" is over, but I highly doubt she is glad he is dead, and she might be grieving the loss of someone she probably still loves or at least still cares about, and wishes she could have gotten him the help he needed. Whatever gladness she may be feeling, it is probably outweighed by grief.
Of course, I don't know your friends and could be completely off track, so it's up to you to decide whether I'm even close about any of it and take it from there.
I like what toxiczen said... "i hope you find comfort in the peace he may have found". Obviously he was not at peace while he was alive, otherwise he wouldn't have turned to alcohol to run away from his problems in the first place. If you think it will comfort your friend, then saying something like that to her sounds like a good idea.
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2/2/2008, 4:38 pm
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SKOKEY
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Re: Death - What do you say?
Thanks Lesa. She gave him plenty of chances. He had gotten counseling, a couple trips to rehab and a court ordered detox. His older sister died of liver failure from booze and Tylenol and his father died last year of natural causes. I don't know if these things contributed to his outlook on life but I'm sure it didn't help. I hope his mother doesn't blame his wife. She's seen two children die now and since her grandchildren are adopted, I hope she doesn't turn her back on them.
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2/2/2008, 5:03 pm
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Lesigner Girl
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Re: Death - What do you say?
If his mother is someone who would blame his wife and turn her back on her adoptive grandchildren, then it sheds some insight into why he may have been so troubled to begin with. I hope she doesn't do that, especially if the children had a relationship with her while he was alive.
His family aside, Skokey, how are you coping with your friend's death?
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2/2/2008, 8:07 pm
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SKOKEY
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Re: Death - What do you say?
Me? No problem.
It may sound cold but I understand that life is temporary. You enjoy the loved ones around you for as long as that last but never let yourself believe that it will last forever because it won't.
The most traumatic experience in my life was splitting up with my girlfriend when I was 16. She didn't die or anything but it taught me that nothing in life is permanent. Even the death of my Godfather - Uncle Moe. He was truly my best friend in the world and the loss didn't hurt as bad as my sweet 16. I did get over that by the way.
When Uncle Moe died, his sister said "How could he do this to me?" and I'm thinking "whatda f**k? It's not like he died just to piss you off - he had lung cancer".
I appreciate the people in my life but I don't depend on them. I accept their generosity but I don't feel like they owe me anything. I've been living alone for the past 23 years and I'm not lonely. I'm my own best friend now. I'm the only one that I will depend on. Well, that, and people that I hire to to a job for me.
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2/2/2008, 9:10 pm
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toxiczen
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Re: Death - What do you say?
im glad to hear someone else say that! i learned a lot being single and living alone with an occasional roommate for 8 years... its nice to have people in your life that you care about and who care for you but it is also important to find inner peace and appreciation as well.
good for you skokey.
---
"Love is the strongest force the world possesses, yet! it is the humblest imaginable."
~Gandhi
"it is easier to tell the truth: you don't have to remember anything"
~Mark Twain
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2/2/2008, 9:55 pm
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SKOKEY
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Re: Death - What do you say?
There's a guy I work with that's married. His wife went away for two weeks to visit relatives. This guy is around 60 and he was a total wreck. He was going out for lunch everyday because there was no one to make it for him. Then there is laundry, cooking and whatever else she does for him. I said, "Doesn't it scare the hell out of you that you don't know how to do these things?" I hope that shocked him into trying to be a little more self sufficient.
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2/2/2008, 10:45 pm
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