femfree
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Am I a Narcissist? by LynnS
Am I A Narcissist?
By LynnS
"Keep a grateful journal. Every night, list
five things that happened this day that you
are grateful for. What it will begin to do
is change your perspective of your day and
your life. If you can learn to focus on what
you have, you will always see that the
universe is abundant; you will have more. If
you concentrate on what you don't have, you
will never have enough."
Oprah Winfrey
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Am I A Narcissist?
By LynnS
I was at my wit's end and could not understand what had happened when the shattering occurred. Where did this relationship go so completely off track? It was unlike anything I'd ever experienced and I felt betrayed, empty, and completely confused; and yet, the N walked off, seemingly unscathed with what appeared to be a clear conscience. His sense of entitlement was beyond what I could comprehend and I went searching for answers on the internet. That search led me to the discovery of NPD. I read the characteristics and a lightbulb went on.
I was relieved at first. There was an answer that made perfect sense to me. It all fit. Underneath the relief, though, I still had a sense of shame and uncertainty about the source of the failure. I was the one who was left in a heap and unable to cope with the aftermath. I was being blamed for all of it, too. Was it after all, me?
I read the characteristics again. I internalized them and started thinking, "Maybe these apply to me." Was there another way to see this? I began to self-diagnose.
Sense of Grandiosity and Self-importance: I had always thought I was fairly competent and talented, but I was reminded often that I had some flaws. Was I grandiose beyond what was appropriate?
Fantasies of Success and Ideal Love: I had some goals in life, things I wanted to achieve, and I had always believed I was a loving person. It wasn't enough after all. Was I too idealistic? Perhaps I lived in a fantasy world.
Believe They Are Unique and Special: I felt like I was unique, just because I was me. I had that reinforced and mirrored to me, in fact. I had gifts that were mine; yet, these were the very things I was made to believe were phony and a fraud.
Requires Excessive Admiration: I wanted to be appreciated for what I had done and what I had given, at least in the sense of having it reciprocated, not because I wanted to be rewarded, but because it seemed like that's how relationships should work. Maybe I wanted too much for myself for self-serving reasons.
Is Interpersonally Exploitative, Takes Advantage of Others: I was certainly told that I was selfish and that I had disregarded the rights of someone I cared about and that my feelings weren't as important as I thought they were.
Lack of Empathy: I didn't put somebody else first enough. I didn't put his feelings before my own enough. It was never, ever enough. Was my empathy insufficient?
Envious of Others: Other people seemed to be able to reach their loved one through kindness and compassion. I couldn't. Did I envy that? Did I think it was something in me that made what other people had impossible to attain?
Arrogant, Haughty Behaviors: Who was I to demand anything, to think that my feelings were the ones that mattered. If he felt the way he did, I must have been doing something to contribute to that. It wasn't just about me, was it?
Fear of Abandonment: Oh, yes. I knew that one. Had I done something to create this abandonment without realizing what I was doing?
Fear of Inadequacy: In spades. I had been reminded quite clearly exactly how inadequate I was.
Blaming/Shaming: Wasn't that what I was doing in seeing a disorder in him?
Emotionally Abusive: I had lost my temper. I had yelled. I had said hurtful things. Was I abusive?
The list went on from there. I could and did see every characteristic in terms of how it applied to me. It all could have been seen that way. It all could have been true; but it wasn't. There was a difference.
We all use defenses when we are wounded. We all have the potential to behave narcissistically when we are under attack. We all fear abandonment. We are all human. I had been defensive before in certain situations, but I had not experienced this kind of emotional devastation and self-doubt in any relationship that I could recall. This was different. Even knowing all of that, I still wondered if the blame, at least partially, did not rest on my shoulders.
What was going on here? Why was I attempting to take on the responsibility for what he did? Through the forums I learned that what I was doing was taking on N's feelings, that what he had done was to take his own fears, and through Projection, dump his shame, fear, and blame onto me which is the defense a Narcissist will always use to avoid those feelings.
Projection is the attribution of one's undesired impulses onto another.
He exposed my fears, he encouraged my feelings of inadequacy, and he exploited them, so that I would feel the very things he refused to feel. A person with empathy does not do that; nor does a person with empathy look your fear, feelings of invalidation and hurt in the face and say, "It's your problem and your fault." That was how I finally knew, it wasn't me. I had tried very hard to take the blame. In the end, I realized, it belonged to someone else.
"If you are here, you are learning about Narcissism. At the same time, you may be trying to see your role in the demise of this relationship. In the beginning of this journey, it is critical not to judge ourselves too harshly, not to diagnose ourselves, and to recognize that many of the things we feel have been projected onto us by the N. As the journey unfolds, we realize where the Narcissist's feelings stop and ours begin.
Be gentle with yourself in this process."
If you are here, you are introspecting. You are trying to find a way to heal your life. You are questioning yourself. These are all things a Narcissist will rarely do because he will always find another place onto which he can dump his fear and shame and never have to introspect or change.
I heard long ago on the forums that if you are asking yourself the question, "Am I Narcissist?", the chances are, you are not. The process has taught me that this is a truth we all come to know as journey unfolds.
Love and healing,
LynnS
Graphics by LadyBelle
http://forum2.aimoo.com/LadyBelleDesigns#
Last edited by femfree, Mar/27/2009, 8:25 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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