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femfree
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New Here? Make This Your First Stop (Read Only Please)
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."
Margaret Mead, American Anthropologist
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence
by every experience in which you really stop
to look fear in the face. You are able to
say to yourself, "I lived through this
horror. I can take the next thing that comes
along." You must do the thing you think you
cannot do."
Eleanor Roosevelt
- - - - -
If you are new to our site and new to learning about NPD/Psychopaths we would like to help you get started to understanding and overcoming this difficult stage of your life.
You are not alone...
Some quotes from our Members....
"I mourn the loss of what could have been and what should have been and the realization that he will never be any different. It's quite shocking to realize you wasted a whole year of love and time and money on someone who never really cared about you because they can't. It hurts! I hate it too. I'm still spending alot of time trying to understand and deal with the pain"
"Even now I find it difficult to fathom how you can give so much of yourself to a person and have them so totally wipe it all away as if it never happened with no remorse and go on their merry way leaving a path of destruction behind them."
"I have never been so emotionally exhausted as I have been trying to keep up with this man's brain in a conversation when he goes off on a tangent. Things come from left field that you don't even see coming."
"Eventually, you will come to the painful realization that you were nothing more than an instrument of their self gratification, then we're as easily discarded as a piece of gum that's lost its flavor."
"You are dealing with a totally delusional human being, who builds his own fantasies about his reality and believes his own pathological lies. How can you possibly hope to have a healthy relationship with someone who bases his whole existence on deceit? IMPOSSIBLE! And don't kid yourself - They know exactly what they are doing - They prey, victimize, and devastate."
"I spent 7 years with my N, trying to recapture the first 3 months, and yet it’s only today that it occurred to me that the first 3 months were NOT who he was; the rest of the time was!"
CLICK HERE TO READ MORE MEMBER'S EXCERPTS
Read Member's Quotes on Topics Including
the Nature of the Beast
Why is Ending it so Hard?
Moving On
Malignant Malice
Divorce and Custody
The Abusive Family
Wisdom From the Veterans
and more...
WELCOME TO OUR SITE
Fast-Track Recovery Tools for Targets
_______________________
Contains art by William Whitaker
http://www.williamwhitaker.com/
Last edited by femfree, Apr/11/2012, 7:42 am
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"Sometimes it takes years to really grasp what has happened to your life." Wilma Rudolph
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Mar/8/2009, 12:41 pm
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motherslittlehelper
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Re: New Here? Make This Your First Stop
Hi Im new here, my Mother recently died and I found this forum whilst looking for information for adults who have been abused by a parent/s, I had also been told that writing everything in a journal or blog helps so Ive done this, and Ive also created a forum for other survivors, I havent checked out all of the info on this forum yet but I plan to, and its a relief to find that a forum such as this exists, and also that I am not alone.I was both physically and emotionally abused by my late Mother.For the whole of my life thus far (57 years) Now though I would like to rebuild my life and find out who I really am. Is this something that happens to others? My late Mother has also left a trail of destruction behind her, and Ive also been disowned by my family, Orchestrated by my late mother,but Ill survive, I know I will.
Thank You .
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a shape from within the heart of twisted flames rose up, and there in all her glory stood the PHOENIX
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May/4/2009, 8:26 pm
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primrose8
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Re: New Here? Make This Your First Stop
Hi - I'm new too and same age as you (pretty young things!!). So you're definitely not alone and your positive approach is encouraging. Don't know about you but to get this far in life without knowing what was causing the problem - in this case with both my brother and mother being narcissistic (it emerges) is a bit of a shock. The way I feel varies from being full of determination as in 'I'll beat this'to being tearful and just wanting the pain to go away. My mother hasn't died but is obviously not young and to be told that the only remedy is to walk away from both of them is difficult to say the least. You ask about rebuilding your life - my feeling is that certainly some restructuring is necessary to deal with the situation but all the good 'walk away' advice is easier said than done when it is your close family. I am fortunate to have a wonderful supportive husband but I do not want to overburden him with this and I would appreciate your thoughts as someone undergoing a similar experience - and any words of advice if you think fit. I wish you all the best in coming to terms with your situation. Thank you.
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Dec/15/2009, 12:17 pm
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hvgbgyrl
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Re: New Here? Make This Your First Stop
Hi, i'm new here. I've been separated from my N for a year and a half, but it's only been 6 months since I've gotten a No Contact Order after he assaulted me. We have been fighting over custody of our 2 year old since he coerced, threatened and manipulated me into agreeing to a 50/50 Order a few months after we split, after over a year of abuse. A very generic Order, of which suits him just fine because it gives him all the control and unaccountability he craves. It has been endless, we are at the stage now of making offers through his lawyer ( I of course cannot get a lawyer through legal aid because I agreed to the Order and not enough has changed. ) I did not know that when I made my court application, but with his withholding visits and manipulating I now have to try. He wants his parents to have first right of refusal if daycare is needed after 90 hours, only has in his proposal that our daughter can call him, things like that.
I will not agree to an Order that controls my family's time with my daughter and gives it to them. It's supposed to be 50/50. What I want to know is, is it even POSSIBLE to come to a custody agreement with an N???? I'm feeling like I have to try, because it's looked down upon by the courts if you don't want to, but what do I do? I can't do it by myself, I end up conceding to something and he always wants MORE!!!!! Help, anyone if you can. 
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Jan/17/2010, 9:39 pm
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alexes
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Re: New Here? Make This Your First Stop
Number one I want to thank all the people who have put this forum together as this is a topic that needs addressing, not only for the victims, but also the family and friends of all the victims, male as well as the females.
I am here personally as a result of helping a family out and as a result becoming a victim myself of the female abuser.
The male who is also a father of two children, is still working through the fact that he was even abused and it is going to take a very long time for him to learn his boundaries, to finally grieve and move forward.
For myself, as i tend to be a bit of a researcher, I read, more like devour everything I can find about this subject, find others to talk to when I can to help empower me and to also move forward.
I Have been reading everything on this site all day now and I have to say...BRAVO!!!
I wish for everyone who is in this forum all the very best and look forward to talking to you.
Best Regards,
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Jan/18/2010, 7:46 pm
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m2fried
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Re: New Here? Make This Your First Stop
I divorced my N husband of 28 years in August of 2009. When I left him, my two sons quit speaking to me. They are ages 27 and 22 and they blame me for the break up of our marriage. I tried to shield them from the N father, never argued with him, particularly in front of them (he was always right). When my oldes got engaged, the N grew increasing nuts about the wedding, didn't like the fiancee, hateful comments to me about her until I threatened to leave him. We started going to counseling at that point, but the truth is I had not loved him for years, don't really know why I stayed, but in '06 I fell in love with someone else and had an affair. My N caught me. He put me through hell afterwards. He told my boys "everything" about the affair. Is it any wonder they have nothing to do with me now? I've lost so many friends over this. Nobody understands why I had to leave. Only my sisters understand how controlling and manipulative he was. And even they have no idea how he controlled me with his passive aggressive behavior. I was afraid of him, afraid of disagreeing with him. My father beat my mother, and I was afraid that my N husband would hit me. So without a black eye or broken limb, nothing is visible to anyone else. If I had stayed with him, I would have killed myself. I'm in need of support from people whose children have disowned them. I was a good mother. I made all the right decisions for them when they were little, but now they can't trust me to decide what is best for me now. All that's important to them is keeping the family together. They wanted their family intact no matter how miserable I was. I would love to hear from some of you who suffer the same alienation from children/family. Thanks.
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Jan/26/2010, 3:52 pm
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Valeria50
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Re: New Here? Make This Your First Stop
First of all, I apologize for my English mistakes...I am from Brazil and unfortunately I cannot count on the kind of support provided by this very helpful forum. My sincere congratulations for all you. I am being consumed by a doubt I´d like to share and be warned by someone. I´ve been involved with a guy at first for both romantic and commercial purposes. Now I am quite sure he is a sociopath who, in the past, knew how to exploit my loneliness feelings very well. So the romantic purposes are gone. However before realizing with whom I was dealing, 3 months ago I gave him a great amount of money to help him with his business (he told me lots of "sad" stories about how "mean" was his partner, so I gave money to him to get rid of her and "be happy"...everything was a big lie of course...he spent my money and is still with her) and make my new furniture - that is never ready, of course. I am SO pissed at me and at him...I have no paper proof (i trusted his words) I´ve already paid for the furniture besides the extra money I gave to him. I think it´s so unfair to leave him with my money and let me with no furniture...obviously he has no intention of making it. However if I take some paper from him I have means to retaliate...my question is: in which situation I´m going to feel less humiliated? By ignoring him and loose lots of money I cannot replace easily and stay with no furniture or by punishing him somehow? No matter I am a victim, I do hate to feel I am so powerless and a bastard like him may walk free with no punishment! By the way, now I know he uses to con not only clients but also his workers...poor men work for him and he does not like to pay for their work! His business is probably illegal...I am so tempted to make him pay somehow...but at the same time I´m so afraid of being obsessed by that human garbage! I am aware my life is a messy...maybe he is no longer a big self-destructive kind of distraction to avoid me to do something for helping myself?
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Feb/17/2010, 9:13 pm
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lgyver
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Re: New Here? Make This Your First Stop
I have been with an alcoholic/substance abuser, narissistic bipolar SO for a lil over 5 years now. My life has been completely wrecked, I am so very wrenched within my soul from this relationship. Good for you that you got out, and after so many years. I too, am trying to get away, keep away and find what's left of who I once knew to be me. It's very difficult however when the phone keeps ringing & the door bell chimes. Nevertheless, I am trying very hard, even though I still feel love within myself. I too ask myself why and how can I still love this person? I don't understand it at all. My emotions are manipulated easily,I guess. I just joined now & hope to find sort of peace & strength here. Thank you.
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Mar/4/2010, 9:24 pm
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lgyver
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Re: New Here? Make This Your First Stop
I am the same as you. Involved for 5 years w/ a Nar addicted to drugs & alcohol. My life has been turned upside down & inside out. I do NOT recognize myself anymore. I spend 95% of m time alone, qietly hurting. My life was so very different. I had lots of friends & money, social dinner parties & bond fires almost every month. I had a great job & worked hard on my home constantly. I was generally content & happy.
Before this last relationsip, I was cheated on after 7 years of loyalty. 9 months later I picked myself up off the floor, went out & BAM!!!! I was swept away....SAVED, or so I thought. I fell for a fake!
Soooo, soooo many terrible, out of control things happened. I wish I could tell you all of it, but it's so very much to type. Also, this site is not letting me type very fast for some reason.
My phone is still ringing & my door bell still chimes. IT IS SOOO HARD TO IGNORE THEM but, whenever I respond I'm always torn to shreds with such cruelty. How & Why?? I ask myself. How is it possible to still feel for a person that claims to love me so deeply yet, hurts me so intensionally & brutally?
This time is for the healing, I know. I just don't know where or how to even begin. So, here I am, with some sort of hope for a better tomorrow.
Last edited by lgyver, Mar/4/2010, 9:36 pm
Mar/3/2010, 4:26 pm Link to this post Applaud Smite
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Mar/4/2010, 9:47 pm
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primrose8
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Re: New Here? Make This Your First Stop
Just remember that the distorted approach taken by the N means that even the tiniest thing they can criticise you for can become the major focus of their attack. They have no balance to their outlook and cannot take into account anything good you may have done. You're not dealing with a realistic person.
My issues are between me and my N brother who influences my aged mother so I do understand the difficulties of the family ties - your family is your family whereas a marriage partner can be anyone and I feel it can be easier to move on.
I find it helps to deal with the basic true facts and not let any of the embroidery of the N influence you.
All the best - look after YOU.
Primrose
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Mar/15/2010, 4:17 am
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