femfree
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NO CONTACT, No Contact Contract
NO CONTACT
"Without question, it is this focused, goal-oriented approach to life that distinguishes winners from losers."
Phil McGraw, PhD
"Self discipline is Self Esteem."
Unknown
"What! Wouldst thou have a serpent sting thee twice?"
William Shakespeare (The Merchant of Venice)
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"We want closure which is never going to come in a way that we want but we can find closure by No Contact. We want to be heard, want them to know the pain they've caused but they are never going to listen and if they do, they don't hear the words. What we often miss is the beauty of "No Contact." You are finally saying No More. It is your voice without the words but they hear it loud and clear as if you screamed from the top of your lungs - "Go to the Devil." No Contact is your pure and sweet rejection. It is empowering. It is your last word. It is your closure. It is one of the most hurtful narcissistic injuries you could inflict. They have finally come to understand you know just who and what they are. They know the tricks do not work anymore. They know you are no longer prey or a pawn in their game. It is your last word."
"No contact is so essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it."
"My therapist very rarely "advises" me, as such - preferring to help me see the right answers for myself. But the one thing he's been absolutely emphatic about, ever since I told him about it, is that I must NOT contact my N, under ANY circumstances."
"We don't want the NP back in our life... we only want them when we are hurting."
When I was quitting smoking and doing it cold turkey, I came across the following quote. I think the same applies for NC: "Dig way down inside and find the place that says, no more not ever never again and then just don't, no matter what."
"I hope you don't think this No Contact thing is just to teach him a darn good lesson. If you do, you've missed the whole point altogether."
"The no contact rule was the best thing I ever did...please stay strong."
"He was so cruel to me. I just called him to tell him...."
The opinions of society are brutal when a target states she's been abused and then she contacts her abuser, I can honestly tell you that such behaviour is viewed as utterly stupid, dangerous, ridiculous and silly to the outside world. It's glaring bad judgement. The courts see mutual pathology and friends and other people just roll their eyes, turn away in droves muttering 'she's as crazy as he is,' They'll assume she lied about his abuse in the first place. It's a huge factor in how they win."
From the BPD Central Site - a Must-Read on Leaving
http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm
"My therpist told me it was completely unhealthy to engage in useless talking to him and to STOP ALL COMMUNICATION!"
"NO CONTACT is the best to be hoped for; and this principle of recovery must be held to with tenacious trust that this is the best thing we can do for ourselves --- AND the N!"
"We must all let go of people who hurt us whether we understand why or not."
"You have the upper hand with no contact. Hang on to it for dear life."
"Keep that list of horrors he'd done and print off those articles that really zing in on what he really is and read them both with your breakfast cereal. This helps reinforce our No Contact commitment and keeps the malignant optimisms/magical thinking we're often prone to away."
"I have no contact with my brother who is a P he still tries the manipulation through emails and my mother is a P. She tries through letters, same words, same game. It is very hard not to respond, you just have to keep reminding yourself what would happen to you if you did respond. It is as though they still have part of your mind and it takes a lot of strength to break free and not respond."
"I used those Olympic-class thinking tactics to picture how I'd react when he came up to me on the street. Well it worked. I just said "I have to go now, goodbye" and walked away. No payoff from me! I gave myself a Gold Medal in detaching."
"The No Contact rule is definitely it. I feel any contact with him is like sticking my hand in a snake pit."
"I was coming out of a 18 year marriage. He saw my vulnerability a mile away!! I cannot stress the no contact rule enough."
"Unfortunately as long as you stay with or talk to an N you will remain a form of supply for them whether it be good, bad or ugly. The only way you can achieve any type of victory over them is to walk away with your head held high and have no contact. The longer you stay, the longer you will miss out on your own life."
"They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt."
"I notice your N makes no effort to even acknowledge how his behaviour has hurt you. Expect him to blame you and tell you that you are the unreasonable one the whole way down the line. They deny they do it, deny they are the problem and lay the blame on someone else. That’s why the no contact rule is the only way out of the frustration and extra hurt. Waiting for an N to validate your experience or change the N behaviours could mean you will be trading emails at 90 and still not get any further going round in their crazy circles."
"You deserve a rich full life. An N will rob you of that. Stay clear. No contact."
"There is power in our silence. The power we gain during the No Contact period can't be emphasized enough.
"Use the power of silence."
"There is only one message they hear and that is the silence of No Contact."
Time and no contact is absolutely the only way, because anytime I have anything to do with him other than leaving notes for him when he comes to see the kids, it creates a "feelings setback" for me."
"But after a while, something amazing will happen... you'll wake up one day with a renewed sense of clarity, parts of yourself that you've long ago buried will begin to emerge and you'll begin to feel strong again. If you continue to maintain NC, your energy will shift, your thoughts will support you instead of harm you and you'll feel a sense of liberation, the likes of which you haven't felt in years, if at all. NC is the key to our freedom."
"There is a point where you re-find yourself (well at least that kick-start moment towards self-knowledge and emotional freedom...It's a neverending process), and life becomes an open field, your soul breathes again. No contact and time spent alone out of the crazy-making environment will help you greatly. My, you just have to stay stoic 'til you're out. Make sure that you give yourself every chance to recuperate your senses and not have your mind invaded by anyone."
"Were the Amish with their shunning on to something? I think so."
"After the worst of it was over, what I found to be key was to have no contact with him. None. Do not say go to hell. Do not say I love you. Do not, above all, try to sit down and have a dialogue, to reason with him. No response of any kind is the answer."
"The best therapists tell us to stick like glue to that self-imposed No Contact rule. No contact works, but we need to give it a chance".
"The more time I stay in NC...the stronger I get."
"My no contact was my sabbatical, my retreat. I got to write out in my journal all the issues. I was able to ferret out the source, the root of all the problems. There's something very therapeutic about writing them out. Committing them to paper seems to capture the essence of it all."
"It reminds me of quitting smoking, hang in there long enough and the urge for contact will pass."
"Make a No Contact contract and write like mad in a journal. It really does get clearer and easier with time."
"Any contact you make can and will be used against you.
Conduct yourself accordingly."
"They are tricky. Here's one example. A mother co-parenting with an abuser called her x about a custody situation. He told her he was busy, call me again. She tried several times to call him and he filed harassment charges against her. She was set up. He did this deliberately. She failed to anticipate this response from him. The court ordered joint counselling, which of course was just wonderful NS to him. A lot of gullible people learn that the hard way.
"Beware of the Contact Trap. So many of them turn our hope into hell claiming THEY ARE BEING HARRASSED OR STALKED - by us!! Imagine your N's chortling glee watching you squirm in court."
___________________________________
Starve the Vampire by Sandra Brown M.A.
No Contact
http://www.lovefraud.com/12_leavingAsociopath/sociopath_no_contact.html
CONTINUED BELOW TO NO CONTACT MANAGEMENT AND THE NO CONTACT CONTRACT...
Last edited by femfree, Mar/30/2009, 11:38 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Oct/29/2008, 6:10 pm
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femfree
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
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No Contact Contract
No Contact Management
Settle all critical business before you begin no-contact. (if you have children - decide via YOUR LAWYER how contact between the parent & child will take place and visitation. Do NOT engage in any conversations with the other parent aside from BUSINESS ONLY!!)
This means business only... no personal exchanges
To keep my sanity and end the nonsense, I must maintain NO CONTACT.
THE NO CONTACT CONTRACT
1. I will tell this abuser once only that my decision is to end contact. If s/he calls me, I will hang up immediately, or not answer the phone at all. I will never contact him/her and I will involve the police if the abuser attempts contact. I will eliminate every possible way he has for contacting me.
2. No contact includes every single form of contact: mail/email, phone, fax, his websites, IM, texts - EVERYTHING. This also includes...do NOT ask friends/family about him/her and do NOT let friends/family tell you about him/her. I will get rid of every item that reminds me of him.
3. I will record if possible any and all contact attempts for police use. I will remind myself that my abuser will be recording me too. (Anything s/he says is done to draw me back into the insanity.) I will not allow myself to be provoked into responding.
4. I will replace any hopeful reunion fantasy with a Clear Memory of a time that I was insulted, manipulated, lied to, belittled, made to cry, used my children, friends or family to demean me, embarassed me in front of co-workers, family or friends or used sex or love as a way to intentionally hurt me.
5. If I feel like I am about to reach for the phone to call him/her, write, email, page, fax or text message him/her, I will count to ten and clearly ask myself silently, why am I doing this? I will know that weak times come and go and I will wait for my strength to return to get me through this.
6. If friends and family are not supportive of my efforts to remove myself from this relationship, I will not discuss my personal life with them and will ask them sternly not to offer their opinions. My decisions about this are my own. This is My Battle. I will realize that others cannot know the abusive that a personality disordered person causes.
7. If I find that the urge to speak to him/her or see him/her has overwhelmed me and I slip off the course, I promise to be kind to myself and patient with the situation. I will seek professional therapy if I am not progressing.
8. I promise to be good to myself, forgive myself and allow myself to move on and not dwell on this for ever.
9. I will stop creating chaos in my mind & environment.
10. I will accept reality - The facts.
11. I will accept others for who they are. I will not try to change others.
12. My hands are off others responsibilities: I will tend to my own, focus on me.
13. I will refuse to believe any lies about how wonderful his/her life is now. Basing the truth on the past, I will assume him/her to be lying.
14. I will distrust every time he/she has a "change of heart"
15. I will journal all my positive and negative feelings.
16. I must accept my own responsibility in this relationship.
17. I will strive to find what it was that he/she invoked in me that created MY behavior.
18. We must love ourselves.
19. Take time off before beginning a new relationship. At LEAST a year.
20. Find out what we need in a relationship, and go after that in a person that is worthy and has GENUINE substance, morals, and ethics.
Accept nothing less for yourself.
No Contact - TheRight Way/The Wrong Way
http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm
Last edited by femfree, Mar/30/2009, 11:39 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Oct/29/2008, 6:13 pm
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