femfree
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Engaging the Enemy
Engaging the Enemy
"First they ignore you, then they laugh at
you,then they fight you, then you win."
Mahatma Gandhi
"Contrary to popular myth, abusers do not
suffer from anger management problems.
They manage their anger just fine -- whenever
there are witnesses."
S.C. Elgin
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If you remain with a personality disordered person, learn as much as you can as fast as you can and protect yourself financially and emotionally, or be prepared to live with the consequences of failing to do so.
Safety in Abusive Relationships
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f13.t39
Avoiding the N's Rage:
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f17.t98
Communicating with Narcissists by Steve Becker, LCSW
http://www.powercommunicating.com/articles/Suggestions%20for%20Communicating%20with%20Narcissists.pdf
When you come across someone and nothing works with him, cut your losses. Don’t waste any more effort trying. This is a big world full of wonderful people and a few bad apples. Concentrate your attention on the good people and waste as little of your attention as you can on the ones who bring you down. You can do it a little at a time and it will improve your attitude. And if it improves your attitude, it’s good for your relationships with your family and friends, and it’s good for your health.
The Bad Apples
http://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/self-help-stuff-that-works/bad-apples/menu-id-1558/
How to Talk to a Narcissist
http://www.psytalk.info/articles/narcissist.html
NEVER tell an N/P anything about yourself - NOTHING!!
Q. I'm afraid if I use verbal boundaries he'll become enraged. What I can do about that?
A. We suggest anticipating this reaction by saying something like "P, you sometimes become angry when we discuss [topic] P. If you get angry P that just proves my point. Can you remain calm while we discuss this P?" Using this tactic you establish the need for a rational, calm discussion, and by asking a Yes/No question you establish your control of the situation. At all times we keep our voice at a normal conversational level, remain very calm, show no emotion. Speak slowly without anger or aggression. Remember, although intelligent in his occupation, he is emotionally equivalent to a 5-year old's tantrum and the key is to ignore hurtful comments "We'll discuss this when you aren't so upset". P still raging? Calmly leave the room. P's rage because of their disorder. They want a reaction. Don't give them one.
How to Win the Word War
http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.aimoo.com/Category/Topic-1-312056.html
"I respond only to emailed yes/no questions about custody, and I'm always in protect mode to deflect abusive comments which I save as evidence."
You probably become deeply disappointed each time you are faced with your partner's cheating, lying, distorting, and misleading. There may also be some frustration, anger, dismay, and hurt that your partner would treat you this way. However, these are your responses, and these you can work to change.
Excerpts: Loving the Self Absorbed - How to Create a More Satisfying Relationshp with a Narcissistic Partner
by Nina W. Brown, Ed LPC NCC
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f29.t48
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Dr. Vaknin write...
“It is possible to have a relatively smooth relationship with a narcissist, and it's possible to maintain it for a long time. The first requirement for this, though, is distance: this simply cannot be done with a narcissist you live with. Given distance, or only transient and intermittent contact, you can get along with narcissists by treating them as infants: you give them whatever they want or need whenever they ask and do not expect any reciprocation at all, do not expect them to show the slightest interest in you or your life (or even in why you're bothering with them at all), do not expect them to be able to do anything that you need or want, do not expect them to apologize or make amends or show any consideration for your feelings, do not expect them to take ordinary responsibility in any way. But note: they are not infants; infants develop and mature and require this kind of care for only a brief period, after which they are on the road to autonomy and looking after themselves, whereas narcissists never outgrow their demands for dedicated attention to their infantile needs 168 hours a week. Adult narcissists can be as demanding of your time and energy as little babies but without the gratification of their growing or learning anything from what they suck from you. Babies love you back, but adult narcissists are like vampires: they will take all you can give while giving nothing back, then curse you for running dry and discard you as a waste of their precious time. “It is also essential that you keep emotional distance from narcissists.”
Ten Do's and Five Don't Dos if you INSIST on Staying with Him
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Tips – by Sam Vaknin, PhD
http://samvak.tripod.com/npdtips.html
How to Cope With a Narcissist - Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq4.html
Coping with Your Abuser – Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html
"I had the best luck when I would (1) compliment him and (2) explain things to him step-by-step like he is a three-year-old and I was his mother."
Coping Strategies from NAMI
http://www.namidupage.org/support/coping_tips.html
No Contact
http://thenarcissistandpsychopath.synthasite.com/no-contact.php
Managing No Contact
http://thenarcissistandpsychopath.synthasite.com/managing-no-contact.php
Dealing with Control Freaks by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D.,
http://www.ec-online.net/Knowledge/Articles/control.html
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Being firm and learning to say no (without explanation) seems to work when patients are manic and they can think faster than the physician or therapist
The Canadian Journal of Diagnosis, Volume 20, No. 3, Spring, 2003
How Can I Help Patients, Dr. Chris Gorman, Psychiatrist
Hint - These types of abusers don't ask questions, so, don't agree to do things when you aren't spedifically asked. They'll whine and bellyache and beat around the bush about their needs and troubles expecting you to volunteer but don't take the bait. Learn to make 'social' responses like "How interesting" "I'm sure you'll find a way to take care of this" or, no response at all etc. Wait until he actually asks you, then say no. Of course, be absolutely financially and emotionally independent of these abusers.
Stock Phrases
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
The unhealthy people in your life often try to catch you off guard, or will try to ensnare you in a hopeless problem. The response to both tactics is to memorize some stock phrases. Some examples: "Hm. Interesting." "Wow, that's too bad." Or my favorite: "Huh. What are you going to do about that?" The last one is very effective, since these people want you to fix their problems. This response turns the tables on them.
The person you're detaching from can be very abusive. Often, the reward they seek is to see the hurt in your eyes and the feeling of power they receive from being the cause of that hurt.
Recognizing this fact will give you unexpected power. The verbal jab is blunted when you know it's only meant to hurt you. And you can deny them the pleasure they seek. Eventually, they will stop attacking you. Bullies like an easy target.
Lessons About Emotional Detachment
http://www.heart7.net/emotional-detachment.html
How to Handle Narcissists by Dr. Martha Beck
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f29.t563
BullyProof Yourself
http://thenarcissistandpsychopath.synthasite.com/bullyproof-yourself.php
Tips and Traps - Divorce, Custody, Workplace and More
http://abuserecovery.synthasite.com/tips-and-traps.php
"I had to feed him occasionally by saying things like "You're absolutely right that's brilliant, why didn't I think of that."
If you absolutely, positively must have contact:
Try to take the high road and don’t make it personal. Remember that people who incessantly attack you or never give you credit for anything are probably mentally disordered. Think of yourself as visiting an asylum.
How to Deal with Power Freak Relatives During the Holidays
http://www.prweb.com/releases/2002/11/prweb49806.php
Verbal Self Defence by Suzette Haden Elgin
http://adrr.com/aa/
"People who attack you with words are almost always doing that to start a fire in you. They don't want a conversation, they want a fight. When you take their bait, you feed the flames -- and you reward them for attacking you by giving them exactly what they wanted."
Suzette Haden Elgin
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Do you really want to live this way?
Member's Quote...
"I said No effectively. All I got was the infamous N rage every time I put my foot down. It is no way to live. You cannot reason with the N because they refuse to have any type of normal conversation. A relationship is supposed to be a reasonably fluid journey, not a situation where you are in 'shields up' mode all the time, and where you have to become the manipulative one. Not healthy at all. The only possible N relationship is NO N-relationship. Despite having no financial security, not even a roof of my own, I could not live in that marriage."
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Graphic Tag: http://public.fotki.com/BBWMISTY/
Last edited by femfree, Mar/28/2009, 7:36 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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