femfree
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Abuse Management, Holiday Coping Tactics
ABUSE MANAGEMENT
When you absolutely, positively must have contact.
"Queens never make bargains!"
Attr: Mary Engelbreit
RULES OF COMMUNICATION
Be assertive, brief and precise, not aggressive. Speak calmly, slowly, gracefully without anger or emotion.
Don't provoke hostility, avoid sarcastic comments, threats, character assassinations, anger or putdowns statements.
Avoid being 'nice' to an abuser - they will see this as weakness.
Ignore nasty comments and questions.
Asking them about 'feelings' is annoying to them.
Avoid hot topics - they'll see that as an attack. Don't push their buttons.
Recognize their attempts to bait you and push your buttons to get a reaction. Don't reward his attempts.
Few words and black/white utilitarianism communication works best (yes/no, if/then, either/or) problem/decision-based communication style. That's the language he understands.
Calm indifference is effective "Yeah, whatever" Avoid overloading - mention one thing at a time.
Don’t let your abuser change the subject. Keep refocusing on the topic. Walk away the instant he uses insults, sarcasm, criticism or the blame game.
Boundaries are non-negotiable. Don't be a willing participant in your abuse.
Remember - they are pathological liars. Asking questions is inviting lies. Assume everything is a lie to avoid disappontment.
Learn to spot the differences between statements and questions. Don't respond to statements (or insulting questions).
Don't criticize or contradict. Try repeating his last 3 or 4 words phrased like a question, and encourage him to talk - you may be rewarded by what he discloses.
Don't reveal things about yourself. Never show vulnerability.
Pay attention to projection. You may learn what your abuser is up.
Know what turns his crank – is it intellect, appearance, sexual, technical ability, past accomplishments? Give credit where credit is due. Narcissists need to be sprinkled with 'supply'.
The art and science of boundaries includes letting some things slide, but zero tolerance of abuse.
If you are a submissive person, learn assertive skills.
Don't hesitate to say “No”, with no explanations. "That's my decision" is sufficient explanation. Practice saying "No" until you can say it as easily as 'good morning.' It can be done nicely being assertive, not aggressive. If you are not used to speaking like this you'll be glad to know you only need to rehearse it.
Expect him to try to wear you down in creative ways. Enjoy the show.
If ‘correction’ is needed, try the sandwich approach. Praise, followed by a gentle corrective statement, followed by praise for past good performance. In public, acknowledge good performance – most effective when done in front of an audience.
Anticipate his many possible reactions. Be prepared with countermeasures. Suggested responses: "I need to think about that." "I'm sorry you feel that way" "yes/no" "What is your question for me?" "I understand you're angry but I think we need to discuss this later when you aren't angry." "That must be frustrating for you." "I'm sure you'll find a way to fix your problem."
Abusers hate asking questions, don't let them off the hook.
Keep your sense of humour and perspective. Expect immature behaviour
Involve police at every indication of danger or violation of your rights
Never ask him for anything, never offer or do anything for him, and never accept anything offered.
Don't volunteer yourself, make them ask and say 'no'. That's our secret weapon.
Abusers are clever actors, appear pitiful and in need of help, and the gullible fall for this. Don't feel sorry or pity him - he's amazingly self sufficient.
Don't be ambushed by an abuser's demands for a response.
Getting the silent treatment? “Let me know when you feel like talking." Act like no big deal. Expect childish behaviour
In negotiations, state something he must do first before you do your part
Prize your financial and emotional independence. Make it your goal
Alert friends, neighbors/employer that you are having difficulty ending a relationship, adding that your abuser may try to harass or contact you through them
Why be involved with an abuser at all? There's a guaranteed poor outcome. Who wants to live with endless chaos, continual verbal armwrestling and soul-destroying putdowns and criticism? Life’s too short
Play ball when necessary to avoid unleashing a narcissistic rage. His wrath can be severe. Find ways to make it look like the abuser will win by co-operating.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
Why engage in battle with the mentally disordered at all? Exposing their defence mechanisms is dangerous. He will protect those viciously. The best strategy is to get him out of your life, and you out of his.
Do you allow him to treat you badly and then complain when he does? Remaining in contact will only make you look crazy.
He can only win if you are easily intimidated. emotionally or financially vulnerable.
Use others to have contact. Another male works best with misogynistic abusers or, someone he won’t want to appear cheap or nasty in front of. Deal with him in public where he’ll perform for his audience.
If you are emotional don't fight. Our emotions will make us look ridiculous. Go for a 10 minute walk to get a fresh perspective.
Recognize evasiveness or a silent treatment is a verbal baiting trap set for you.
Use recording/documenting/witnesses at every opportunity. Look up some websites on effective arguing.
If he wants to do a divorce deal 'to save money' - refuse! The cost of doing so will be enormous. Let the lawyer/accountant deal with him
If engagement is unavoidable, use the following weapons only
Mirroring – act like he does. Let him see how he looks. Refuse to bargain or negotiate.
Don’t argue with crazy people.
Let at least 48 hrs. go by before responding. We get amazing clarity in that time.
Instruct him regarding what you expect. Provide precise details - he won't know otherwise.
Knock off the emotional stuff to level the playing field. NPs target emotional people, but find emotions scary. Keep that out of discussions.
Mentally devalueing/discarding your abuser will give you a good mental edge.
To get a reaction, your abuser will make bizarre comments or questions then wait until you speak. Don't fill the gapping hole of silence in the conversation. Your silence is more effective
Always be on mental red-alert when dealing with an abuser or don't deal with him at all. If you are ambushed do not respond to any statements, accusations questions state once only "I have decided to end our relationship so I need you to stop contacting me." Be pro-active in imposing No Contact. Hang up if he phones, don't answer the door, let other people know your need for protection, ask their help. Call the police 1000 times if needed. Hang up if he calls you.
Exchange the bare minimum information required in a custody agreement.
Recognize intimidation and bluffing tactics. Expect any attempts at discussion and reasoning with the Psychopath/Narcissist to fail. If you do continue to interact with your abuser, people will begin to think that you are both crazy and love the excitement of the follies a deux interaction with the mentally disordered.
Give him enough rope and he may provide you with the opportunity to record abuse. Courtroom needed proof of abuse is worth the wait. Be prepared - he won't give you a 2nd chance
Holiday Contact? Keep a sense of humor and minimize contact.
Be alert for attempts to bait you - it's an abuser's most effective weapon. It is essential for us to maintain self control, no contact and never abuse our abusers and find personal accountability for our own behaviour.
DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY?
ESSENTIAL READS:
Engaging the Enemy
http://abuserecovery.synthasite.com/bonus-1.php
Dr. Vaknin's COPING TOOLKITS
Coping With Your Abuser
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse3.html
Abuse Recognition and Management
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abuse.html
Dynamics of Spousal Abuse Series
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/abusefamily.html
How to Win The Word War
http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.aimoo.com/THE-TARGET-Healing-Survival-Tactics-Read-Only/How-to-Win-the-Word-War-1-312056.html
"I said No effectively. All I got was the infamous N rage every time I put my foot down. It is no way to live. You cannot reason with the N because they refuse to have any type of normal conversation. A relationship is supposed to be a reasonably fluid journey, not a situation where you are in 'shields up' mode all the time, and where you have to become the manipulative one. Not healthy at all. The only possible N relationship is NO N-relationship. Despite having no financial security, not even a roof of my own, I could not live in that marriage."
Narcissism Book of Quotes
http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewwork.asp?id=7246
We have used the male gender - your abuser may be female
Graphics by Sweet Design, former MSN Group
© Author: femfree 2001
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
CONTINUED BELOW TO
HOW TO DEAL WITH POWER FREAKS DURING THE HOLIDAYS...
Last edited by femfree, Mar/7/2009, 10:01 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Oct/26/2008, 11:09 am
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femfree
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Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
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Re: Abuse Management
HOW TO DEAL WITH POWER FREAK RELATIVES DURING THE HOLIDAYS
With gratitude to David L. Weiner,
http://www.prweb.com/releases/2002/11/prweb49806.htm
If we have normal, balanced families, we look forward to returning home for the holidays. If we have relatives who display power freak characteristics, our feelings are usually mixed.
Most of us have an emotional drive to return to familiar territory. We want to see our family, particularly those who are fond of us, yet we fear humiliation.
When we return home to family, we are usually enveloped in warmth. Once it wears off, power games that you have experienced in years past will begin to return. A parent may be envious of your successes, so they find ways to make you feel like a failure. When you are with a power freak parent, you cannot win. If you are hesitant about coming home for the holidays, they make you feel guilty. They want you home; when they browbeat you, it gives them a high. Maybe a sibling begins needling, if this has been their pattern.
At holiday gatherings, power freaks work hard to control the conversation and display their superiority. They brag about their kids, or the money theyre making. They lie if necessary and their spouses usually support them. If you mention your successes, they convince you they were just luck.
David L. Weiner, author of Power Freaks: Dealing With Them in the Workplace or Anyplace (Prometheus Books, $19) can advise you on how to deal with Power Freak relatives during the holidays: (Note: click on the link above for ordering information.)
1 Accept and expect disharmony. Develop your strategies for getting through the holiday ahead of time and then work to act them out, as if you were on stage. You need to play a role.
2 If there only occasional barbs thrown your way, try to absorb them and divert the perpetrators attention elsewhere as quickly as you can.
3 If the attacks are continuous, be assertive, but not aggressive. Attempt to draw a line in the sand, create a boundary with diverting remarks that contain some humor, if possible:
Look, I came home to relax. If you keep this up, Im going to get my boss to pick on you the way he picks on me."; Earl, if you keep this up Im going to have to start telling stories about you that you dont want me to tell."; Okay, I admit Im not as successful as all of you; I am no good at all. So can we all talk about the weather now?"
4 Try to take the high road and dont make it personal. Remember that people who incessantly attack you or never give you credit for anything are probably mentally disordered. Think of yourself as visiting an asylum.
5 Dont take rigid or confrontational positions. Make your opinions vague. Nod your head a lot. Remember, you are simply trying to get through the weekend.
6 If you initiate conversation, find innocuous subjects. Otherwise, stay as quiet as you can.
7 Dont act too happy or look downtrodden. That will invite attack. Try to maintain a calm and neutral demeanor.
8 Mute your successes. Dont brag about yourself or anything youve done. Attribute any success you feel impelled to talk about to good luck. Do this before they insinuate it.
9 During unpleasant conversation, try to divert your mind. Think of things that make you happy. Try to remember scenes and dialogue from one of your favorite movies. Dont remind yourself youre not the favorite." Fortunately, our minds can only think of one thing at a time.
10 Practice calculated avoidance. Take long walks or go to a local health club. Bring your laptop, close the door to your room and make excuses that you are checking on e-mail or working.
11 If you can, make excuses to return home early.
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Dec/7/2008, 8:23 am
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