femfree
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Boundaries & How to Win the Word War
BOUNDARIES and How to Win the Word War
"Saying no can be the ultimate self-care". Claudia Black
A "No" uttered from the deepest conviction is better and greater than a "yes" merely uttered to please - or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
Mahatma Gandhi
"This, to me, is the ultimately heroic trait of ordinary people; they say no to the tyrant and they calmly take the consequences of this resistance."
Philip Dyck
When you stop rewarding manipulative tactics by ceasing to cooperate, comply, please, acquiesce, apologize or respond to intimidation or threats, you will unilaterally alter the nature of the manipulative relationship."
How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life,"
by Dr. Braiker
"I said no to outrageous actions the way I thought anybody would, and it still mystifies me that so many others could say yes.”
Paul Rusesabagina (inspiration for Hotel Rwanda)
"Let any rifraff knock on your door, and we throw it open. Anger shows up, and we let him in. Revenge needs a place to stay, so we have him pull up a chair. Pity wants a party, so we show him the kitchen. Lust rings the bell, and we change the sheets on the bed. Don't we know how to say no?"
Max Lucado, author of books on Christianity
No! That's what this is all about. No! That simple two-letter word that, regardless of how bad I am, you simply cannot say.
Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" The Introduction: The Habitual identity By Dr. Sam Vaknin
Ken Heilbrunn, M.D.
http://samvak.tripod.com/kenintro.html
"We need to not just say No, but HELL NO." Dr. Phil
How strong are your boundaries? take the quiz
http://www.strategicperceptions.com/boundaryquiz.html
How to Deal with Annoying People
http://www.askmen.com/fashion/how_to_100/114_how_to.html
Handling Emotional Blackmailers - based on Dr. Susan Forward's book Emotional Blackmail
http://www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html
When Words Become Weapons: Verbal Abuse, Participant's Guide
http://www.oznet.ksu.edu/library/famlf2/GT346A.PDF
How Verbal Self Defense Works, Suzette Haden Elgin, PhD
http://people.howstuffworks.com/vsd.htm
http://people.howstuffworks.com/framed.htm?parent=vsd.htm&url=http://www.adrr.com/aa/
How to Deal with Power Freak Relatives During the Holidays
http://www.prweb.com/releases/2002/11/prweb49806.php
How to Deal with Emotionally Explosive People
http://www.albernstein.com/id98.htm
Boundaries
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Articles/boundaries.htm
Coping With Toxic People
http://breakups101.com/toxicpeople.html
Boundaries
http://www.patiencepress.com/samples/boundari.html
http://www.skysite.org/boundaries.html
Setting Limits in Relationships
http://www.cyberparent.com/women/limits.htm
People Pleasing? Having Trouble Saying "No?"
http://www.kalimunro.com/article_pleasing.html
Ways to Say No
http://or.essortment.com/waystosayno_rqjd.htm
Stock Phrases
The unhealthy people in your life often try to catch you off guard, or will try to ensnare you in a hopeless problem. The response to both tactics is to memorize some stock phrases. Some examples: "Hm. Interesting." "Wow, that's too bad." Or my favorite: "Huh. What are you going to do about that?" The last one is very effective, since these people want you to fix their problems. This response turns the tables on them.
http://www.heart7.net/emotional-detachment.html
How to Deal with Power Freak Relatives During the Holidays
http://www.prweb.com/releases/2002/11/prweb49806.php
CONTINUE BELOW TO "HOW TO WIN THE WORD WAR"
Last edited by femfree, Mar/30/2009, 9:31 am
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Oct/26/2008, 11:42 am
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femfree
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Re: Boundaries
HOW TO WIN THE WORD WAR
"Abusive and blaming people use provocative hostile language. Don't take the bait of their verbal finger-poking tactics."
Frequently-Asked Questions of VERBAL BOUNDARIES 1
HOW WE CAN BULLYPROOF AND ESTEEM OURSELVES FROM THE PSYCHOPATHS IN OUR LIVES!!
When we've finally had "ENOUGH"
"Saying no can be the ultimate self-care". Claudia Black
"This above all, to refuse to be a victim."Margaret Atwood
N/P=Psychopath Narcissist abuser
Assessing the potential for violence. If you are in an early stage of learning about Ps there can be a tendency to underestimate or be unaware of the potential for violence. We cannot stress enough that before using any verbal boundary techniques you correctly assess whether this could put you in a violent situation. If that is a possibility, get away from the P as quickly as possible. End all contact. The following FAQs about verbal boundaries are useful when we are involved with Ps who are verbally manipulative/abusive.
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Q. I'm afraid if I use verbal boundaries he'll become enraged. What I can do about that?
A. We suggest anticipating this reaction by saying something like "P, you sometimes become angry when we discuss [topic] P. If you get angry P that just proves my point. Can you remain calm while we discuss this P?" Using this tactic you establish the need for a rational, calm discussion, and by asking a Yes/No question you establish your control of the situation. At all times we keep our voice at a normal conversational level, remain very calm, show no emotion. Speak slowly without anger or aggression. Remember, although intelligent in his occupation, he is emotionally equivalent to a 5-year old's tantrum and the key is to ignore hurtful comments "We'll discuss this when you aren't so upset". P still raging? Calmly leave the room. P's rage because of their disorder. They want a reaction. Don't give them one.
Q. I know I'm a nurturer, a fixer, maybe co-dependent. The thought of using verbal boundaries makes me nervous. I don't want to become one of those nasty people everyone hates. I'm afraid I'll turn into what he is.
A. CONGRATULATIONS. Nurturers are the terrific people that make this a wonderful world. Unfortunately, it can be the characteristics targeted by the P. Here's the good news. Because of your nature you are not a hostile person and can ACT (Assertive, Calm, Tactful) using these boundaries in a calm, controlled, focussed way. We don't need aggression, anger or yelling. We say them with grace and dignity always tactful and diplomatic. You will earn respect. You will esteem yourself as you never have before. You will notice our suggested responses (page 3) are short and easy to learn. Being assertive, not aggressive, will ensure you will not turn into a nasty person nor will you become like them.
First, give yourself permission to say "No" (with no explanations!). We know it's hard. It was hard for us all in the beginning. Like riding a bicycle we learned bit by bit until we can do it without hesitation, confident in our ability. We need to rehearse and practice over and over. Picture P in your mind. Practice first by silently mouthing the word "No", then progress to a whisper, then your normal speaking tone. The words are far more effective when spoken in a normal conversational tone of voice. Now let's play with the words. Say something like "No, I don't think so P" or "No, I don't want to do that P. ". Try changing the inflection by putting the emphasis on different words, something like "No, I don't THINK so" or perhaps "No, I DON'T think so". Practice over and over. Try others like: "No, I haven't decided yet P", "That's my decision P" "No, it seems like we may not agree 100% of the time P", "You'll have to cope with your feelings P, but my decision is "No". Develop some of your own phrases. Practice with a friend. It is a myth we will feel guilty using boundaries. In fact, we gain self confidence and our self esteem increases tremendously. Resist the temptation to elaborate. This is a change in the control structure in your relationship. You'll need to stand up to their pressure against this.
Q.I'm not ready to use these "bottom-line boundaries" Can you suggest some phrases that can accomplish stopping the manipulatiion?
A. Yes, as nurturers we are usually all too willing to please or help the manipulative P. So, we refocus on our needs. If the P is wanting something financial try saying "Actually, I'm going to need money for my car P." If it's emotional manipulation try something like "P, I need to spent more time with my [family]." "I would prefer to not get involved in this P", I need to..." Define and focus on your needs. Let the P solve his own problems. We all need to assume self responsibility, become more 'selfish' and have our needs met. We can soften our delivery techniques by keeping a smile on our face, ****ing our head to the side or with a quizzical expression. We can use other softening techniques like adding "mmm" "uuhhh" for example "mmm No, I don't think so." Situationally, when he wants something, try "That's an interesting challenge for you P, let me know how it turns out".
Q. He twists everything, changes the topic, he's even threatened suicide. How do I handle that?
A. If he threatens suicide tell him to get to a hospital and request a psychiatric evaluation. This is where Ps can be intimidating and cause fear. That's what he wants. Suicide threats need to be dealt with by professionals. Your job is easy, don't fall for this tactic. Call 911 if it appears imminent.
Expect him to twist everything. He's verbally shooting wildly now hoping to hit something you'll react to. Any reaction you provide is his payoff so don't give him the satisfaction. It's best not to get into any discussion with a P. They are far too manipulative and cunning and they know our triggers and weaknesses all too well. They will use the 'blame game' or 'woe is me' tactics. Just let them rant and rave for however long it takes. Emotionally detach and ignore his words. You can use simple phrases such as "I'll have to think about that" or "I'm sorry you feel that way P" or "There are times we just don't seem to agree on everything P". "I want [need] you to stop blaming me P".
At the end of his tirade you can refocus by saying something like "What is your question for me?" Now he will have to stop and think about what he's after. This is likely apparent anyway but will serve as a basis for later asserting your position. Then you answer with something like "I'll have to think about that P" or more positively "No, I don't want to do that". Explanations are not necessary.Give yourself permission to do this. A suggested response might be "No, I'm not going to discuss my reasons, that's my decision P". Let P figure it out himself. Putting the emphasis on different words can change the tone of the sentence. Maintain a confident body posture. If you can, be standing while the P is sitting. You can do this by saying something like "Have a seat P, I'm going to get a glass of water". Set a time limit that you're willing to listen. Then if he's still at it leave the room "This is annoying P, I'm busy and this is taking up too much of my time, we'll discuss this more when you aren't so upset".
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You've been asked to go out, but you don't really want to....
AGGRESSIVE: "Why don't you just go and leave me alone!"
PASSIVE: You do not say anything and agree to go out even though you know it is too much for you.
ASSERTIVE: "I need to be alone right now."
Hint - Focus on using "I" statements.
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Artwork Courtesy of DMAT Awards
Graphic by Ice Queen
© Author: femfree 2001
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CONTINUED BELOW
Last edited by femfree, Jun/19/2009, 10:54 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
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Nov/4/2008, 1:44 pm
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femfree
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Re: Boundaries
PAGE 2
Q. Can you suggest some other responses so I don't look like the 'heavy'?
A. We suggest 'representing a group'. Try sentences like "P, the family feels that..." or, "Some of us have discussed this and we feel that..." "People have been saying that I should..." If he pressures you for an explanation give yourself permission to say nothing or "That's our decision P" or "I'm taking the advice they gave me P". If he asks who 'they are'. Simply say absolutely nothing. Give him the 'look' or say "I'm not going to say who they are P, so don't ask".
Q. Do I have to make direct eye-to-eye contact? His eyes are so cold and malevolent.
A. No, it's often best NOT to look predators in the eye. Work on a cuticle or quickly glance at his ear or the top of his shoulder. Look back at your cuticle. Make as few body movements as possible. Act as confident as you can and use eye contact only if you are comfortable doing this.
Q. Sometimes I get tongue-tied, I can't speak the words, my mind freezes and I need to get away and calm myself down and think about all this. Any suggestions?
A. Yes, we all experience that. We can't be strong all the time. That would be expecting too much of ourselves. There are many ways to convey a message using simple facial gestures or body language. Wrinkling your brow can convey confusion. Adding pursed lips indicates annoyance. A shrug can indicate indifference. A wave of your hand is dismissive. Checking your watch frequently is another. Leaning forward can show you are encouraging him to speak. Leaning back and looking elsewhere can give the impression you are bored. Semi-verbal responses might be "hmmm" "huh?" or "Oh". Practice those that reflect your personality and the message you want to convey. Concentrate on your deep breathing, thinking 'in/out'. Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom to clear your thoughts. Keep a copy of verbal responses you think will be helpful in your purse or pocket where you can refresh your memory when he isn't looking. When we get stuck, remember to say "I'll have to think about that P, I'm busy right now". Recognize the triggers in yourself. Your P will know them and so should you. A wise option is to get someone else to speak to the P.
Q. I haven't seen him for weeks now and I dread running into him. I'm not sure how I'll react? What's a good way to handle this?
A. We all dread the sudden 'street corner' encounter. We've taken major healing steps and we know we've got a way to go yet. Using visual imagery, picture just such an occasion. Practice and rehearse simply saying "Hello P". Let P do the talking. Practice a poker face and then after he's been talking for a few seconds, look at your watch and say something like "Excuse me P but I'm late. Take care of yourself P, G'bye". In your visual imagery, picture yourself doing this successfully. Remain focused on who he really is. Mentally 'devaluing and discarding' him will give you a boost of self esteem and reality-check reminder.
Q. I feel there must be more to it. Is there anything else I could be doing?
A. Yes, lots of things we need to do. We must be 100% self reliant. We must never, ever ask the P for anything. The good news is we don't do anything for them either. We must be financially and emotionally independent. Stick to your guns and stick by what you said. We must never change our decisions. Changing your decision will start a new round of manipulation. We need to learn how ignore nasty comments, to ask Yes/No questions and only respond to those questions from the P. We need to develop clairvoyant skills to see where their words are leading. We need to be on the watch for the 'statements' he says presented as questions and not respond. Other techniques can be repeating his last 3 or 4 words back to him, presenting them like a question. Don't give P an answer, just say 'I'll have to think about that', giving yourself time to think about what he's really up to (allow 48 hrs.) In a custody situation, have the P send you emails with his requests. Record for evidence. The P may be recording you too. Is he asking for a change to the custody agreement? Then negotiate something you want. Try saying: "I'll have to think about that P I'm busy right now. Call me next Tuesday and I'll let you know my decision." Put the onus of performance on him (ie the call). Let the P be the one asking. Now think about what you want. If he asks why you're busy, give yourself permission to not answer. He's being intrusive. Just say "Goodbye P" then hang up. They are pathological liars. Asking them questions is just inviting lies.
Q. He keeps talking and verbally hammering trying to wear me down. Do you have some suggestions?
A. Yes, this is to be expected. Take some steps to end this. Look at your watch, stand up and firmly, but calmly say something like "P, this is becoming annoying. I've given you my decision P, and I won't change my mind." Leave the room. Work hard on your ACTING so you don't appear upset. As we have stressed before, we say this in a normal speaking tone of voice showing no anger. ACT (Assertive, Calm, Tactful).
Q. He's making decisions that ignore obvious disasterous consequences. He disregards my warnings. What do you suggest?
A. "Bad judgment' is a notorious characteristic of Ps. Watch out that you are not being manipulated into being the "fall guy". If all goes well, the P takes the credit. If not, you get the blame. We suggest you might try "Have you thought of the consequences P?" (don't offer any, let him figure it out) or "I don't want to get involved P" or "That's an interesting situation P, let me know how it turns out". If he doesn't have someone to use and blame he may rethink his plans. Don't take the bait!!
Because we are nurturers we want to jump in with suggestions or actions trying to help. STOP!! Don't fall for this. Now he may try a tactic such as saying "I don't know what to do". Be careful of this trap. That's a statement, not a question!!! But, it just begs for a response from us. These are the tricks they use. The best thing we can do is to not get involved at all. Make sure you are not vulnerable to the consequences. If he asks a direct question, try something like "I have no idea P." Ps must assume responsibility and accountability for themselves. We must do the same for ourselves. We all need to stop feeling guilty when we don't get involved.
Q. He's trying to involve me in his little schemes, is there a softer way to tell him no?
A. We suggest you try someting like "You'll be glad to know P that you won't have to involve me in your plans. I'm sure you'll be able to take care of it yourself. I'Il look forward to hearing how it turned out." Here is an opportunity to watch his use of words and how he uses the "we" word.
From: Without Conscience, The Disturbing World of The Psychopaths Among Us byDr. Robert Hare, Ph.D.
Set firm ground rules: Although power struggles with a psychopath are risky at best, you may be able to set up some clear ground rules, both for yourself and for the psychopath, to make your life easier and begin the difficult transition from victim to a person looking out for yourself. For example, this may mean that you will no longer bail him or her out of trouble, no matter what the circumstances.
quote:
Mom would always grab hold of me by the arm "I want you to come and say hello to ___ and please try to be nice." She always had some sarcastic remark to make. So this one time I dug my heels in and said "Let go of my arm" No anger, no yelling. "You always want to cause trouble for me don't you." she said. I ignored her and just kept repeating "Let go of my arm." Of course, she had no choice and she let go. I said I would see them a bit later but I was busy just then. Looking back, this was the day things finally turned around. I wish I'd done it sooner.
© Author: femfree 2001
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CONTINUED BELOW...
Last edited by femfree, Mar/1/2009, 7:51 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Nov/4/2008, 1:47 pm
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femfree
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Re: Boundaries
PAGE 3
Q. He left but he keeps coming back telling me he's changed and is sorry. Why?
A. Say "I do not want you to contact me any more P". He is using target-practice again. Stop allowing him to have contact with you.
Q. I want to keep him talking to try and find out what he's after. How can I do that?
A. We suggest you try something like "I'm confused, what are you getting at P?" "This is interesting P, tell me more" or "I'm not sure I understand you P." or play into his ego "How interesting, how did you do that?". You may wear him down or he may disclose more of what he's really up to. Also, this is a terrific little way of observing his skills at verbal manipulation. As we get the P to talk we can watch out for his little tricks like statements posed as questions and how he is focussing on things that he knows will bait you. We can learn a lot about ourselves and how we react. It can become very empowering for us to control our emotions and reactions now.
Remember the old saying "Whose money is it?." We would be well advised to think strategically and remember ... What's the problem? and whose problem is it? Categorizing this way saves a lot of headaches.
Q. He makes vague and specific threats. Is he serious?
A. Yes. The personality disordered are dangerous and unpreditable. Take steps to protect yourself.
Q. The school needs Ps social security number for the kids' field-trip records. Whenever I ask him anything he delays, asks needless questions, says he'll 'get back to me'. It's so frustrating. Is there anything I can do?
A. Yes. We suggest you get someone else to ask him. This is not weakness, it's a strong tactic to have someone else call him. Because they are misogynists, we suggest getting a male who is willing and helpful to do this. Preferably someone he will not want to appear cheap/nasty in front of. In fact anytime we are dealing with Ps it is often an excellent tactic to ask the help of supportive friends and family. We are not strong all the time. We need help. Ask for this type of help.
Let's call you Joan. Have your friend Mark say something like "P, I'm calling you because Jr's. school needs your social security number on a form that Jr. brought home from school. It's for their records for Jr.'s field-trip insurance forms. They need this information by [deadline]. I have the form here P, what's your number so I can note it on the form?"
P has a right to see the form and while remembering the deadline, arrange to take the form to him or have him come by. Ask him when it's convenient for him thus getting him to commit to a time. If he hassles Mark too, you have no choice but to return the form to the school noting that you repeatedly contacted him and he was not co-operative. Give his phone number to the school and request they contact him. This prevents him from having the satisfaction of hassling you. Now you have 3 people who are aware of his lack of co-operation. Do keep copies if you need to send this type of note to the school and of course, records of all conversations. Make others aware of his abuse.
Q. Why does he say "That's not what I meant, you misunderstood".
A. He's backpedaling and twisting his words to bait you. Expect this. Try a good old-fashioned "shunning (totally ignoring)" the P. His 'payoff' is the satisfaction of getting a reaction from you. Realizing this is your strong suit.
Some Tips, Tricks and Tactics
Pay close attention to what he says. Make sure it's a question (they hate asking questions) and NOT A STATEMENT. Never reply to statements. Watch for "I'm wondering how I'll pay for the..." - this is a statement, not a question, but it begs for a response. Don't take the bait.
Don't try to be a therapist to the P. Let some things slide. Expect that it will be difficult to stay non-defensive. Try not to say "I'm sorry", instead try something like "You may not agree P, but [everyone has been advising me that...], [I need...], Say NO "I've given you my decision P." Try answering a question with a question "Why are you asking me this P?". "What did you have in mind P." As you practice and rehearse, try to anticipate his comments and your options about how you will respond. Again, when we get stuck, remember "I'll need to think about that P."
Situationally, try the sandwich technique. First some praise for the P showing how pleased you were when he... then we say our "No" comment, followed by another 'praise phrase'. This is effective in reinforcing your appreciation at their good behaviour.
Stay focused on one issue at a time. Ps will try to shift the issue away from what you need to discuss. Don't take the bait, we suggest "First we need to decide...P" Try a little 'assumed compliance' such ;as "I'm sure you'll agree P that..." Make it seem like his idea. "I'm sure I remember P you once felt that..." or, "I remember you once mentioned P, that..."
Give 'em enough rope...As Mom told me "never miss a good opportunity to keep your mouth shut". Make sure you record what he says. Humour can play an essential role.
NPs have poorly-defined concepts of boundaries.
The best thing you can do for you and them is to clearly state boundaries and limits.
Q. He tells horrible lies and accusations about me to other people behind my back.
A. We know how horribly cruel and hurtful this is. Here we must be extra strong. DON'T TAKE THE BAIT or he will say "See, I told you how [angry], [hostile] she was!". They are experts at projecting (accusing us of doing what they are doing) and pitting one person against another. When you hear this, hold up your hand (the stop-sign position) and say "I don't want to hear anything about P". People will stop and begin to reassess what they've been told. In time, people will figure things out and eventually it will backfire on him. Another thing they do is to flaunt their new girlfriend etc. in front of us. It's the nature of the beast. We know how much this hurts. Now go ahead and punch that pillow!! The Smear Campaign of the Abuser
Q. Am I on the right track in thinking I can use some of his characteristics to get co-operation?
A. Absolutely. We suggest you begin a conversation by praising his looks, accomplishments or intelligence. Do this in front of other people if possible. Make sure P acknowledges this praise in some way. Be precise in what you are asking. Learn what his payoffs are. Focus on the benefits he will obtain from compliance with your request. Mirroring (saying things to P they want to hear) does not always need to involve sugary praise and compliments. We can smile or nod our head whenever the P boasts about his accomplishments, superior qualities etc. It can be an excellent tactic while biding our time. Anticipate the Ps mood changes. Contradicting him or saying he is weak, incompetent or needy could provoke a hostile reaction. Avoid this.
Q. Wouldn't it be better to get completely away from the P and not have to use these responses at all?
A. Yes. Wherever possible, end a relationship with a P. However, for many of us this may not be possible. The P may be a parent, child, co-worker, custodial co-parent, in-law, neighbor etc.
Q. The P in my life is at work. What should I do?
A. We strongly recommend the superb website of Tim Field: http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm
© Author: femfree 2001
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CONTINUED BELOW...
Last edited by femfree, Mar/1/2009, 7:47 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Nov/4/2008, 1:48 pm
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femfree
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Re: Boundaries
PAGE 4
Q. I dated a man who is showing 'red flags'. I'm concerned he may be another P. How can I tell him nicely I'm not interested?
A. We suggest "I've started some new projects that will occupy my time for quite a while P. I'll call you when I have more time. Thanks for calling P. Good bye for now." If he asks what the projects are, he's being intrusive, give yourself permission to not answer. Just repeat "Thanks for calling P. Good bye for now." Hang up. If he calls again try saying something like "Any free time is taken up now P" or, "My time is still taken up now P. I'd prefer if you didn't call me". If he calls again say "P, this is becoming annoying P, please don't call me anymore, Good bye P" hang up even if he's still talking.
ANTICIPATING THEIR RESPONSES
Your boundaries don't end it. Manipulators are well prepared for your boundaries. So expect them to have any number of verbal comebacks up their sleeves, including using the silent treatment. The trick is to not let them touch off any trigger points. Expect them to do this. Learn to ignore his words and don't take the bait. Here are some suggested responses. We use an assertive, calm, normal, conversational tone of voice. Ps relate best to binary-type thinking (if/then, yes/no, either/or, in/out, win/lose, for us/against us, on/off) avoid fuzzy thinking 'grey' areas. Deal with one issue at a time. Give up all attempts to relate to him on an emotional level. It is important to not defend yourself. Practice them until you know them by rote. Practice with a friend if you can.
To any silent treatment, don't react emotionally, calmly say "I know you're upset, let me know when you want to talk."
THE MENU
Responses to Psychopaths and Life's Other Spoiled Brats
Tip: Speak calmly and assertively, not angrily or aggressively. Use "I" statements. Practice saying them over and over, until you feel comfortable saying them.
"I understand I've done that before, but this time I can't. That's my decision."
"No, but thanks for asking."
"I'm sorry you feel that way."
"You're absolutely right." (you may not mean it however)
"I understand you're upset, but that doesn't change my decision."
"Let's talk when you're not so upset."
"What are your expectations?"
"Thanks for your concern, but I'd prefer not to."
"Crying/swearing/threats/shouting won't work anymore and it doesn't solve anything."
"No" (with no explanations) "That's my decision"
"I don't intend to answer your question. I'd prefer you didn't ask me." or "I understand you feel that way, but I don't intend to debate this P. My answer is "No".
"What is it you want?"
"What is your question?"
"What is the reason you called me?"
"I need to check things out a bit myself before we discuss this any further P".
"Since she isn't here P to give us her side of the story I think it would be best not to talk about this any more."
"Actually, I don't agree with you P."
"No I won't be doing that, I've changed my mind."
"You'll be glad to know that's something you can do yourself."
"That's a commitment you're responsible for P"
"I am not responsible for that."
"I know you feel differently, but it doesn't change my decision"
"Can we "I" count on your co-operation with this P?"
"It seems we see things differently"
"Are you willing to stop doing that?"
"In what way do you mean that P?"
"What do you mean?"
(adopting a Scottish accent: "You're in a wee bit of a snit today aren't ya")
"I need you to stop blaming me P".
"If I need your opinion, I'll ask for it."
"I don’t want to talk about it."
"I’ll get back to you later." (Preferred: "Please call me Tuesday and I'll let you know my decision then")
"That's your problem P I am not going to get involved.", "That's not my problem" "Whose problem is it P?" "Whose money is it?"
"That's enough of that P."
"What is it you expect from me?"
"This is becoming annoying."
"I won't discuss this when you use that tone of voice P."
"You'll have to cope with your feelings".
"I'll have to think about that P"
"You made the mess, you need to be the one to clean it up."
"I need you to leave"
"Have you thought of the consequences P?"
Mirroring Technique: Repeat his words and actions. Repeat/Shout (mirror) his own words right back at him. Mirroring can throw them off their high horse. Expect it to be difficult to avoid saying "I'm sorry, but..." Don't apologize.
Recommended Websites:
Emotional Blackmai (suggested responses
http://www.angelfire.com/biz/BPD/blackmail.html
How Verbal Self Defense Works, Suzette Haden Elgin, PhD
http://people.howstuffworks.com/vsd.htm
http://people.howstuffworks.com/framed.htm?parent=vsd.htm&url=http://www.adrr.com/aa/
A questions is asked of Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, How to recognize it and how to respond"
"You suggest I say "Stop judging me!" or "Cut that out!" or "Don't talk to me like that!". These responses sound like Ordering to me. Please explain why I should say "Stop that!" but he should not say, "Don't chop the onions like that!" or "Open that window!"
Patricia Evan's response: "Orders like "Don't chop the onions like that!" or " Open that window!" are abusive because they intrude on our freedom to act as we choose (as long as it does not harm another). Accusing, blaming, judging and criticizing are abusive because they assault our freedom and define our personal reality in an attempt to control us." (From Her website 'ask questions page")
In the end, my years of experience in counseling those who have survived Controller manipulations ultimately terminates against the same realization. The only effective way to deal with a Controller is to avoid him or leave him. Mirroring, restraint and camouflage can help you deal with them, if you must, but life feels infinitely better when they are out of your life -- or you, out of theirs.
ROMEO'S BLEEDING "When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong" By Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP
http://www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart6
© Author: femfree 2001
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
Last edited by femfree, Mar/30/2009, 9:52 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Nov/4/2008, 1:49 pm
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