freetofly
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 04-2009
Posts: 5
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
 19 Year Old P- Help getting stronger
I need some help getting my boyfriend help from the torment his 19yr old son is causing him. These control issues have been going on for a long time, and he throws fits to the extent of making his father have panic attacks. He knows exactly what to do to get his way, money, whatever he wants no matter if his dad can afford it. His dad won't tell him no out of fear of having an attack. This vicious circle needs to be broken, I'm trying to help my boyfriend, as I've been involved with other controlling people and got out. But this is a father/son relationship, different from boyfriend/girlfriend. This kid preys on his dad, no one else, and the verbal abuse is horrible. He threatens, his dad tries to get away from him in the house, he follows and continues until he breaks his dad down to a helpless state. He can't stand up too him, like he wants to. Does anyone have any ideas on how I can help my boyfriend be stronger, gain the strength he needs to break the cycle of abuse. His son is due to move out in a few months, go to school or work, something, and his dad is really looking forward to it, but I fear that the abuse and using him for money will continue no matter where this kid is. It's the only life he knows and he can get away with it with only him. Any ideas are appreciated.
Thanks and God Bless you all!
|
|
Apr/23/2009, 6:32 pm
|
|
femfree
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: 19 Year Old P- Help getting stronger
Hi. WOW.
This is a really sick situation.
I remember in my own case I was involved with an N (he was bi-polar in fact) and his son who was an N from hell. They were involved in the same business. The son would torment the father daily. They were it seemed joined at the hip. My role was as a third - the triangulation.
It was very sick to watch this but I too would just say "doesn't anybody say no to this guy?" (ie the son)
No. apparently nobody would say no to this son. I was to learn, over the years, of the dual mental illnesses of the son and the father and their need for each other as they were unable to leave each other due to their own mental illnesses.
If your situation is like mine - and I'm seeing a lot of similarities in your story, then there will be no end. It doesn't matter how much they separate themselves, they rejoin after a period of time. Sometimes the one who is subordinate will for a time become the leader and they reverse roles _ it's complicated but it's a sado-masochistic thingy that one finds.
I will give you some advice. Learn as much as you can as fast as you can and protect yourself financially and emotionally.
Please talk to others who have been involved in this situation previously.
I found myself involved in the craziest of situations.
Look at it this way. It is simply not normal for a father to put up with such nonsense from a son to the point where the father ends up with 'attacks'.
There's something really sick going on here.
A father with such poor boundaries isn't right.
Protect yourself and don't get too close to the fire.
---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
|
|
Apr/24/2009, 7:50 pm
|
|
freetofly
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 04-2009
Posts: 5
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: 19 Year Old P- Help getting stronger
Thanks for the info. I'm only thankful that my boyfriend/his father doesn't suffer from mental illness. I learned my lesson a long time ago about getting involved personally with that, I survived and came back from the hell that put me through.
I do see some similarities though in your writing, his father is just sucked into the hell his son is putting him through. I know I can't really do much, but he has recently told him that he's sick of his ways, sick of feeling like a prisoner in his own house etc. Unfortunately the kid laughed at his father, so I feel that the end result is going to be cutting him out of his life, and I don't think he's ready to do that, but I do know, at some point after you've clearly had enough, you will do whatever it takes to have peace in your life.
I do remove myself from the son and his ways, and my boyfriend doesn't want me and my kids around it either. He wants a life with me, his healthy daughter, my kids, but knows he's got to get his son out first. It's just hard on everyone involved, except of course his son...he for the most part gets his way. It's very, very sad. It's all difficult but it being your child I think is especially harder for parents, cause you can get away from a spouse/bf but your child, is your child and that's harder for parents to swallow. I view him as a person though, and he is driving everyone out of his life. He has a girlfriend, but I think torments her too. The lies, drugs, won't get a job, but did recently finish up his GED, but has no drive, no ambition, just seems lost in life but expects his every whim to be answered right now with money..spends whatever you give and is right there demanding more. He seems to like to talk about what he's going to do, says what you want to hear but lays around and actually DOES nothing. His dad is at his wits end and I was just looking for information on how to help him, do what he needs to do.
|
|
Apr/27/2009, 8:07 am
|
|
femfree
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: 19 Year Old P- Help getting stronger
For my 2 cents worth, I would insist that you keep your children as far away from this sicko son as much as possibleas the last thing you want is for your sane children to get dragged into any mess that this crazy son creates.
Until dad learns to say no and cuts the ties and lets the son go and face the consequences of his own actions and I know this is always hard for any parent then this is a good situation for you to stay very very far away from.
It's a sad and tragic mess these people create.
Be strong. It will likely never have a good outcome.
Hugz
---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
|
|
Apr/27/2009, 9:09 pm
|
|
freetofly
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 04-2009
Posts: 5
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: 19 Year Old P- Help getting stronger
Thanks! I agree and do keep my kids away from this kid, no matter what, he's not allowed at my house. I tried, but after he stole from me, and my kids, and drove a wedge between them to hate each other, I knew it was time to go and he couldn't come back. If I lose my boyfriend, so be it, me and my kids are more important than sitting back and helping to enable this behavior like his father does. This kid flips out then turns around and is very nice towards his dad, a vicious circle of drama, that his father has to break and I know until he reprograms how he deals with his adult child, nothing will change. He says he's going to start demanding responsibility from him and he's due to be moved out in 42 days (I'm counting) so I take the "we'll see" approach, I don't believe all the talk, I have to see action and progress to make me a believer. I honestly feel when he's out on his own, he won't be under his dad=good, but the emergencies, lies to get money(he pays no bills now...why will he then if he doesn't have to?) will continue until he cuts him off...will he? Who knows, but I'm not investing my money into his poor life choices. Everyone in his family has given up on him except his dad, and he's at his wits end with tickets, lawyers, (3 cars in two years) he tears up everything or pawns it for cash, and treats everyone like he pleases, flipping the bird, yelling calling everyone bad names. Nothing has meaning to this kid, and he looks pure evil, like he's always up to something. I certainly don't think the enabling helps and I can't seem to get through to his father, that he continues to enable his behavior. It's like the dad is scared, and I can't figure out of what, I've told him he has far more to gain than to lose. What are parents afraid of?? The kids will learn quick to respect you, they'll know they can't manipulate you any longer, they have more chance of surviving in the real world, with these lessons taught at any age...I can't understand what they are afraid of. Once he's on his own, he's going to be held accountable by society, the laws we all abide by...
Even though he's 19, technically an adult can you get them help ie: anger managment, treatment, something?
|
|
Apr/30/2009, 9:33 am
|
|
midnight dasher
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 391
Karma: 9 (+9/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: 19 Year Old P- Help getting stronger
My daughter is 19; my best friend's son is 20. We both can totally relate. Today, I just had DD sign a notarized note for the security deposit and first months rent of her first rental. She lived in dorms and managed to have a successful first year of univeristy. After I had my friend at the bank, witness and have me sign a certified check for her, she told me I was lucky she called me Mom. It was my duty as her mother to help her through school. And this has always been my dream...except she is so verbally and emotionally abusive. I watched the mouths drop of my friend at the bank and my other friend, an accountant, where we printed out our new agreement. They have only seen how she treats me in public!
Last summer, I paid for her university dorm and tuition fees on my credit card, with the condition that she would pay me back when she got her Trust fund Scholarship check set up by my parents. She tried to skip out on the money I had fronted her to avoid late fees. So, although I want to help her, and she's found 2 part time jobs and an apt. to share with 2 other students,she spent most of my day, between gardenning, bullying and trying to manipulate me into just handing over the money. She drove home today with a friend to demand money. She wanted me to give her half, and to start $50. month payments after Christmas. I said no. So I forwarded her money to move in (certified check), and she can pay me back within 7 days or see me in court. By all logic, I should have given her zip. When you are dealing with a narcissitic, borderline it is a constant, draining fight for instilling your, boumdaries and refusaing to get defensive about it. I guess I have a long way to go but I did want my daughter to have the chance to get her own place before fall, and she has found 2 jobs. It wouldn't have mattered if I had just given her $800. cash, or said no to loaning money period, considering the abusive and bullying manner she went about getting it. Dealing with an impulsive, compulsive, manipulating, entitled 19 year old is a constant contest of the wills. ND bullying me until I tell her I'm hanging up now, and not picking up for a long time knowing she wants something whenever she contacts me, and she won't take no for an answer.
As far as getting your boyfriend's son help, you can call 911 and have him arrested or 51/50d if the cops can witness his scene. So if he is prone to making verbal threats, phone or email threats,or blackmail behavior, you can call and make a report each time for evidence later. I actually called the cops twice last month to report threatening calls. ONe was from xNP; the other, a neighbor making threats. I tape recorded and documented their voice mails and made a police report for each. I let them know I had recorded these converstations and voice mails. Other than that, it is terribly frustrating trying to seek mental health help for a 19 year old that doesn't see any need.
If you are willing to work with your poor boyfriend, you might look up Tough Love, an organiztion in most counties throughout the states. I used to meet with a group once a week, set an action plan with my group, then daughter, and report back. It didn't work for DD, but helped me at least have a support group of very nice parents who felt like parenting failures due to their children's abuse of them. They also shared many support systems available for desperate parents.
Good luck..and stay close right here. Ther is so much help on this site!
---
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"
|
|
Jun/15/2009, 9:28 pm
|
|
freetofly
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 04-2009
Posts: 5
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: 19 Year Old P- Help getting stronger
I'm so glad I found this site, you all are so very helpful. Update, there is a little peace only because my boyfriend came to live solely with me, his son isn't allowed at my house, so it's sort of a safe house for him, a buffer so to speak. I refuse to have the son around my kids, in my house. He is now staying with his mom, has secured a job. However he stills wants to control his dad, or atleast tries when he can, but thankfully his dad is starting to see these things and tells him no, doesn't play into the games and is actually starting to enjoy his own life. His son still calls, sometimes comes by and all he does is complain to everyone, about everyone and has this evil look like he hates everyone in his path. So there's good and bad, I'm just glad my boyfriend is starting to see his son and sees how it affects him. I refuse to be a part of any of it, I'm there for my boyfriend, but he knows I don't feel sorry for evil, ill mannered, mean people, cause it's a choice, from verbal abuse, to busting out windows, doors or anything else he feels justified doing to pay someone back. His son has stopped verbally going on rampages that last for days, because his father has removed himself, and it was the best thing he could do for himself. He wants his son to go to school and do something with his life, so I'm trying to get him to see that it's his son who needs to want those things in his own life for them to actually happen, he can't make him do anything, he's 20 years old. He still feels guilty, and I guess any parent would to some degree. I'm not sure there's an end, but atleast there's now some distance and my boyfriend knows for sure he'll NEVER be able to live with him again. Staying strong...and honestly thinking that we should move out of town, and let the son be, you can't be there for people like him, cause he sucks the life out of you.
Peace to you all!
|
|
Jun/19/2009, 12:47 pm
|
|
freetofly
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 04-2009
Posts: 5
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: 19 Year Old P- Help getting stronger
Update, it's been 2 months, had to let them all go. Although while the dad/my finance was living with me, his son decided his dad needed to leave (now 20yrs old) and live with him and his girlfriend. I was at the point where I couldnt take it anymore, packed his stuff, helped him leave. Some things will never change, this site has been very helpful in gaining the strengh I needed to let ALL of this go and move forward, protect my kids. As sad as it is...within a few days, I was feeling better, it's been hard not to go back, but I was left no choice, if I go, it will be the same eventually. I tell myself, it's not an option for me if I want to be happy. You don't realize til you're out and away, just how jacked up it was.
|
|
Oct/14/2009, 10:28 am
|
|
Add a reply
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: Nov/30/2009, 7:27 am
|
|
|
