Seven9
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How can I stop?
I am new to the boards. I think have known for a long time that my boyfriend and father of my two children is a P but never put words to it and convinced myself that if I loved him enough I could fix everything. Our relationship has been rocky at best, constantly leaving each other, kicking each other out, but I keep going back to him. Even now he quit his job and left the country and I still want him back. What is wrong with me?
Long story short how can I get over him? How can I stop calling him and asking him to come back? Are there any self help books?
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Jul/22/2009, 9:35 pm
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NewHabits
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Re: How can I stop?
Hi, Seven! Sounds like our stories have a lot in common. I have two kids with my exNP that I didn't marry.
Because of how awful he was, we could never live together long, but for years he'd be in and out of my life- showing up whenever he wanted (or I begged) and leaving anytime life got real.
When he was gone, I idealized him- wanting "our family" to work. What helped me leave is his violence to our four year old. Even after that, I found myself making excuses for him and wanting to see him. I took some time and made a list of all the reasons I don't want him. The lies, the hookers/stds, never remembering my birthday, the verbal and physical abuse. It started out as a narrative and now it's a bullet point list. I've promised myself to review that list every time I want to talk to him, and pretend I'm advising a freind. What would I say to her if she wanted to step back into the nightmare? It's helped, since I'm still a better friend to others than I am to myself. It's a slow process, but as you heal the horror of who he is, and what he can never be will erase all the romanticizing of the good times.
Good luck!
E
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Jul/23/2009, 11:33 am
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Seven9
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Re: How can I stop?
Wow, thank you. That is exactly what I do, I rationalize his behavior. When he is not around I only think of the good things and idealize him. I thought I might be the only one. I am going to try to make the list. Just hearing that I am not the only one helps alot. Thank you very much.
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Jul/23/2009, 12:05 pm
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ClearBlueTopaz
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Re: How can I stop?
Hi Seven9, I'm new too. This is my first post. I dated my P for almost 4 years. We broke up so many times and faught so much I was always crying.
I tolerated behaviors from him that I would never have tolerated from anybody else.
I made excuses for him all the time.
We have only been broken up for a month now. I have not made contact with him. He has with me, said he just wanted to be friends, I answered back with a big NO.
I have to tell myself every day that our relationship is over, do not contact him, etc.
I can't believe that I have been sitting here pining away for him after everything that he has done!
I have been reading all day today about Ps and it has helped alot!
Finding this board today was awsome.
Soon, I hope, I will get myself back and start doing the things I used to do before the P entered and took over my life.
Topaz
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Jul/28/2009, 10:26 pm
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done4good
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Re: How can I stop?
The only way to stop is No Contact!! I found this forum in December, 08 when I was in a terrible place because of my NP. Last time I talked to him, I told him that the police would get involved -- i met with them that morning. Not a word since. I know it's not easy, and my NP was happy to go on his way -- move onto the other women he was messing with.
If you are in danger, you have to call the police. But if you just want to hear from him, and Lordy, I know how hard that is, come here and vent. It's kind of an addiction, to think he wants you so bad, right? But it's a bad addicion. And it will pass. Trust me!
Peace be upon us!
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Sep/12/2009, 4:06 am
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done4good
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Re: How can I stop?
The only way to stop is No Contact!! I found this forum in December, 08 when I was in a terrible place because of my NP. Last time I talked to him, I told him that the police would get involved -- i met with them that morning. Not a word since. I know it's not easy, and my NP was happy to go on his way -- move onto the other women he was messing with.
If you are in danger, you have to call the police. But if you just want to hear from him, and Lordy, I know how hard that is, come here and vent. It's kind of an addiction, to think he wants you so bad, right? But it's a bad addicion. And it will pass. Trust me!
Peace be upon us!
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Sep/12/2009, 4:07 am
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jen6421
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Re: How can I stop?
The number one thing i can tell you is NO CONTACT, none. Your head will not be clear for a while when you've been so abused you don't know what's real. I literally moved to another state. This was extreme but i had to or I was going to get sick,and my p was always trying to put me in jail on made up charges, for some reason he always wanted me in jail, he also threatened many times to kill me.He told me the man i'm with now he will have his throat slashed and have me arrested for it! It's hard at first because you keep thinking it's YOU, because they told you it was....it takes time to sort logic from fiction.You are a survivor of abuse.
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Sep/12/2009, 7:04 am
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abelladawn
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Re: How can I stop?
I am new here too..I have been reading so many responses that are almost mirror images of what my relationship was...(that is so hard to write..was not is)Am I crazy to miss him so much, I am intelligent, educated and now know I cannot change him. I loved a man that was a myth, a mirage, a fantasy...who I do not think is capable of loving me or anyone. It hurts so deep, but I have to be strong as the pain caused during the bad times of the relationship hurt me deeper. The temper tantrums over something insignificant that would make him storm out the door, saying he was leaving for good, staying gone for a day or two till I begged him to come back. How did I allow this to happen, to become so dependent, so addicted to him?
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Oct/21/2009, 12:31 pm
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trueimage
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Re: How can I stop?
Another newbie here too. It has been a month since the NP left me and this time I have not begged him to come back. This was the fourth time in a year he had left but he always stayed in his truck (during break ups) since he is an over the road truck driver. This time he got his own place and is done with me for sure. Despite all the craziness and D&D over the past four yrs I still miss him and struggle each day not to call. I am angry, sad, and in disbelief. I have very little self esteem left and my spirit is broken.
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Oct/28/2009, 9:29 am
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