femfree
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Avoiding the Narcissist's Rage
"Remember - No matter how hard you try or how
right you are, sometimes the dragon wins."
anon
A male [baboon], one who does not willingly
share, caught an antelope. The female edged
up to him and groomed him until he lulled
under her attentions. She then snatched the
antelope carcass and ran. Lewin, 1987
________________
At the end of a relationship the Narcissist faces the potential exposure of his abusive behaviour, your leaving and loss of expected NS (Narcissistic Supply), ensuing divorce, financial repercussions, can result in narcissistic injury and subsequent narcissistic rage. His targets find themselves on the receiving end of the Narcissist's relentless abuse, smear campaign, endless legal battles and other creative cruelties. This narcissistic rage may be, in fact, much worse than what you experienced within the relationship.
Victims may have experienced severe physical or psychological abuse. That abuse, of course, is hidden behind closed doors. Seldom is there proof or witnesses.
Biased or ignorant courts may pathologize the victim and fail to recognize N tactics and victims may find no justice in the legal system. Some victims will now be dealing with the ‘sport litigator’s' endless courtroom abuse. This N will not hesitate to pay top dollar in legal fees to obtain the benefit of the high-octane spotlight of attention the courts provide. He will not be concerned in any way with your financial/emotional need or needs of the children. The preservation of his image and NS is now all-important.
It may avert a narcissistic rage if he feels that you can still be tapped in future to provide him with quality NS to protect his defence mechanisms. Any 'face-saving' techniques you can use are essential with narcissists.
Take notice of your N doing something good, then layer on the NS, praise his good behaviour, his custody 'suggestions' (which he will likely never comply with anyway). This praise is best done in front of other people for added NS. If the N gets sufficient high-quality praise and attention by being co-operative he will be co-operative. If he finds the quality of NS better by being a sport litigator that's what he will do. Ns seek that valued attention - if they can get it being good/co-operative they will do that. I'm sorry, I can't offer guarantees of full success here (or any particular strategy), but it's definitely worth considering. Your goal is to change the direction of that spotlight of attention he gets.
We are not dealing with a normal person. We are dealing with a mental disorder. We need to keep that in mind. It can be absolutely essential to reinforce the defence mechanisms (control, power, uniqueness, grandiosity, special entitlement, image) of the N to thwart unleashing hell on you. Attacking defence mechanisms of the personality disordered can be downright dangerous.
We succeed best by reinforcing the N's defence mechanisms. When done publicly by you, the N will then receive bonus NS. Put blame on yourself for the breakdown in the relationship and make that known to others. With his image protected and NS sources available, your N may be amenable to a fairer settlement.
If the N is acting up due to being unable to have contact with you, consider a short meeting in a public place (they behave better there) as a way of allowing him some of your NS - but only if he's being a good boy.
The N will get his NS one way or the other. This will include you, his target, and he will enjoy an extra double-dipping of additional NS he generates from his new "OW" and those he targets with his lies and tales of abuse he falsely claims to have suffered because of you. This of course, is done to hurt you and maintain his 'image'. Your N will very much enjoy the abundant NS he gets by being both the sadist and appearing to be the victim. You face his lies in the court, lies to friends, family, employer, social network, and even children. The N's attitude is 'win at any cost' with no regard for anyone else.
© Author: femfree 2001 DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
CONTINUES BELOW....
Last edited by femfree, Mar/7/2009, 1:21 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
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Oct/27/2008, 10:59 am
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femfree
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Registered: 10-2008
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Re: Avoiding the N's Rage
Page 2
Many members find themselves facing a narcissistic rage and it may be necessary to 'reverse engines' and your challenge will be to find a way to provide NS in a way that supports his defence mechanisms. You know your Narcissist better than anyone and you know in what areas this may be most successful. It may be possible to do this in gradual incremental stages by letting your N be heard and praised for his ideas, acquiesced to in acceptable ways, mirroring him (reflect his grandiosity back to him and others), and allowing some form of contact and/or control over you and providing for and understanding of his particular 'needs'. It may help to enlist others who can be counted on to provide NS to him when he shows co-operative behaviour. Ns don't care how they get NS, but only that they are getting it. The N will take the path to easy NS. However, this will not be an easy task and with a decreased likelihood of successful outcome. The best chance of success is when this is done early in the game of leaving the N.
Why would anyone want to do this? Our objective is to get the N out of our life as smoothly and quickly as possible. In fact, it's a way of offering ourselves up as a sacrificial lamb to announce to the N and others, that we are the guilty party and that the N is indeed, a wonderful, kind, generous, fair person. Given this scenario, your N may be more willing to settle matters with less conflict and extinguish the early sparks that can ignite into a narcissistic rage conflagration. Consider doing this when beginning to end the relationship and during any divorce mediation sessions where everybody can cheer, clap, take notes, record and praise the N for his 'original-thinking, brilliant creative custody/settlement suggestions. Once he's out of your life and divorce documents or custody agreements are signed we can breath a sigh of relief in having 'pulled one over on your N'.
quote:
Dr. Sam Vaknin writes.
The other way to neutralise a vindictive narcissist is to offer him continued Narcissistic Supply until the war is over and won by you. Dazzled by the drug of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist immediately becomes tamed, forgets his vindictiveness and triumphantly takes over his "property" and "territory".
Under the influence of Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist is unable to tell when he is being manipulated. He is blind, dumb and deaf. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.)
Vindictive Narcissists
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq75.html
Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.”
Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.
Narcissism by Proxy, FAQ#42 By: Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq42.html
I wish things were different. It can seem grossly unfair to be abused and then to have to 'praise' our abusers. Retaliating against the narcissist plays right into his NS needs - As Dr. Vaknin says 'I love to be hated' and your N will obtain NS from your fear or anger and his ability to financially/psychologically hurt you. I wish I had better options to give you. I don't. You are dealing with NPD.
quote:
Dr. Ernest Wolf explains the dangers of trying to help the N by telling the N he has NPD. The N's freightening defence mechanisms kick in....
Dr. Ernest Wolf on the Narcissistic Rage:
The narcissistically injured on the other hand, cannot rest until he has blotted out a vaguely experienced offender who dared to oppose him, to disagree with him, or to outshine him. It can never find rest because it can never wipe out the evidence that has contradicted its conviction it is unique and perfect. This archaic rage goes on and on and on. Group Helplessness and Rage Ernest S. Wolf, MD http://www.selfpsychology.org/papers/wolf_2001b_group_helplessness_and_rage.htm
Narcissistic rage is a horse of a different color. Sometimes conditions occur which make a person feel totally helpless and powerless. This is an unbearable experience and results in that individual’s unlimited rage to destroy - destroy any opponent, anyone who is not for me is against me, destroy the world, etc. Unfortunately, this narcissistic rage does not disappear when the helplessness or powerlessness have disappeared. Rather, this type of rage goes on, and on, and on, and only very gradually sort of wears itself out. Disruption-Restoration (also from Ernest Wolf, MD)
http://www.selfpsychology.org/disruption/_disruption/00000016.htm
Be financially and emotionally free of any Narcissist.
Tip: Nancy shares co-parenting. During visitations she picks up the kids at N's house when he 'summons' her. He always has people there he wishes to impress and her N needs an NS feeding, so Nancy launches into a discussion with the kids such as "I bet you had a great time with daddy, you always do." and bringing particular attention to dad's extra generosity getting the kids a haircut. Others overhear this; the N soaks up all the NS. She has managed to maintain a relatively smooth custody arrangement and receives the needed child-support payments. The N sees the kids only 10% of the time so 90% is spent away from the N. It's called making the best of a bad situation.
© Author: femfree 2001
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
Last edited by femfree, Mar/7/2009, 1:22 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Nov/2/2008, 2:12 pm
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