femfree
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Narcissistic Parents - Words from Their Children
Narcissistic Parents
"It seems a little strange to me that I logged onto these boards in response to a threat from my XP only to find I am discovering more about my childhood than anything else!!"
"I come from a dysfunctional background. My mother is a raging N, and, quite honestly, I have great difficulty understanding as an adult when I'm being treated in a way that is just wrong."
__________________
"When you are little and defenceless, around 6 years old, you need the safety of a mother's loving arms when you get frightened. You are sent on an errand by NPmom and you are walking on top of the levy, you are getting close to where the town's hobo is standing in the middle of the levy.
Since it's winter, he has his big coat on, and as you get near him, he whips his coat open, and his privates is hanging out. He grabs it and starts waving it at you, while walking towards you. You've never seen one before, you don't know why the hobo is shaking it at you, you get terrified. You turn around and run like hell home to your NPmom. You arrive breathless, crying, and tell her what happened. NPmom gets very upset, hollers at you, because you shouldn't have looked, you are a bad, dirty girl because you looked. She is so frustrated by you, so upset, because no matter how hard she tries to make you into a good, obedient, nice child, you go ahead and do something like this.
She tells you it's all your fault, if you were a good child, you wouldn't have looked. Only bad, dirty girls do. How she is overwhelmed with worry about you and your future. You just listen and try to understand it all. You feel guilty, you feel bad, you feel like a miserable failure and have no clue where you went wrong. And it hurts that no matter how hard you try to be a good little girl you never succeed, you always do the wrong thing, you always upset your NPmom. Everything is always your fault It hurts so much to know how bad you are. " How to demolish a child for life, lesson 101." 65 years later you sit with your therapist and cry over it. It still hurts."
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"My therapist and I discussed how the N is my mother.
As a child I was unvalidated by my mother.
When a child is not validated by a parent, sibling, etc. they tend to repeat that quest for validation in relationships. Most healthy relationships you don’t need validation.
However, as we all know validation from an N does not happen, because they only validate themselves.
Part of my obsessiveness in wanting to contact him is for validation. It is about the voice, not the person. I don’t love him. There is no romantic idea about him. It is about needing his validation as a throw back from my childhood. And as he continues to abuse me, I continue to seek this validation from the parent figure (N). This quest for validation can be found in repetition compulsion."
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I am finally able to admit and recognize that my mother was the N from H*ll. Which explains to me why my relationship with my xN happened and still is happening."
"I am 47 and I just realize what is wrong with her. I've know forever there was a problem, but always blamed myself. Last night after I got off the phone with her I felt awful as usual. Go back downstairs to watch tv with my husband and he looks at me --"What's wrong? Did you just talk to your mom?" He said he has never seen anyone who could have that kind of effect on a person just by having a casual conversation. He tried to help but I realized he was right."
"Anyway today after some weeks of not being in contact (that's how it is for us) we had a chat (her talking at me) and after her telling me all about her woes and other peoples woes, she asked about me "so how are you?". I went to answer and got out "you know, just plodding along...", then she totally skipped over me and told me she'd just bought 2 t.v's, 1 new flat screen for her lounge and one for her bedroom for when she is ill. She totally forgot what she'd asked me, she then carried on telling me other stuff about other people. She's done this the whole of my life."
"I am a child of an N parent (Dad). In my case, my Mom leaving my N Dad was the best thing for us."
"My mom makes me crazy and I feel like I need to tell someone about it just to get it out of my system, but when I finish I usually get these stares and comments that make me feel sad, guilty, whatever for talking badly about her."
"You are so right! Usually when I do find someone who I think might understand and tell my sad story, I end up feeling silly for even mentioning it. What gets lost in the short story is the history of what has happened over the years. Just when I think I have learned how to deal with her I hear about someone's wonderful mother and what they have done for them. How do you handle that?"
"Take it from me, I learned this some time ago, that people with normal parents and parental love, do not understand those who say negative things about their mother. I am quiet about it for this reason. People just dont believe that mothers would treat children or grown adult children the way the Ns do."
"I am writing out of desparation. After nearly 40 years of being under my fathers thumb, I have decided to break free. How it tears me apart to realize that his demeaning, demoralising power over me was not love. It has been so painful to face reality."
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"I am 36 & an only child. I never had major conflicts with my parents until I was married 6 months and my wife became pregnant. My parents accused my wife of plotting to exclude them. When she denied this they refused to listen. Over the years they kept making more severe accusations and never accepting my wife's answers. They babysat for our 2 yr old and he woke up crabby at their house. They started a huge fight, berating us for bringing him to their house asleep, an obvious effort to make their time with him miserable. After another incident in June my parents threatened to end our relationship. They still blame my wife for all our problems only this time they attacked me. I told them, "If this is what you want I will not stop you." No contact since. I wish I would have been more blunt a lot sooner. I should have said years ago-- Either stop making accusations and get along with my wife, or we won't see you! The outcome would be the same but I would have saved years of frustration & stress on my marriage."
"My experience is with my N parents who are 72 and 70. Getting older definitely does not help! If anything they are less empathetic and less open to other viewpoints. For the past 7 years my parents have systematically destroyed our relationship but are yet blameless. They are never wrong. No matter how many times I tried reasoning, they persist. If anything, over the years their destructive behavior has increased in frequency and severity. 4 months ago they ended our relationship, but somehow they are the victims. Amazing. They are never wrong and never responsible for anything! Family friends hear their side and condemn me and my wife. No, age doesn't help!!"
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"It is hard for those who have not experienced NPD coming from our parents to understand what it feels like. Same for those who are victims of N husbands or wives. For me, the real kick in the ass has been the idea that these people who I thought loved me unconditionally really never did. I was merely a source of N supply."
"It took me years to recover from all the abuse. I still struggle with the pain of rejection from my own father because that is what it is."
"My dad couldn't be bothered to attend my college graduation and got his nose out of joint when I was honored with several awards. He told me that didn't mean I could forget where I came from. That I was still a farm girl and would always be a farm girl. That I'd never be smarter or more successful than him."
"My parents used to brag about me, but never congratulate me on anything, just use me for their own selves. Even after I got disabled she would use me for NS, saying about how much of a genius I was, never to my face though."
"I no longer have contact with any relatives. It is very sad at times, particulary because of my little nephews who loved me and I loved more than anything (this is now making me cry). But I think everything was so, so toxic."
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
Last edited by femfree, Feb/27/2009, 11:59 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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