femfree
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Coping Snapshots
COPING SKILLS SNAPSHOTS
Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers
1. Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.
She rarely says right out that she thinks you’re inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you’ve done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn’t live through her abuse would never believe the connection.
Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers
http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists.htm
"The only protective mechanism for child victims of emotional abuse is to cut themselves off from the situation; subsequently, their identity erodes, the deep core of their soul dies. Everything left over from childhood is perpetually reenacted as an adult.
"Even if all abused children don't become abusive parents, a destructive cycle has been created. Each one of us can act out our inner violence on someone else. Alice Miller shows us how over time, children or victims of control forget the violence they suffered -- the will to know must be erased -- but the syndrome either reoccurs in them or is taken out on others."
Marie-France Hirigoyen, Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity
If I asked you what children need in order to be psychologically healthy, you would probably answer: love and attention. Of course, you would be right--love and attention are essential for every child. But, there is a third psychological need critical to the emotional well-being of children: "voice."
Giving Your Child "Voice" by Dr. Richard Grossman
http://www.voicelessness.com/parenting.html
He does not require – nor does he seek – his parents' or his siblings' love, or to be loved by his children. He casts them as the audience in the theatre of his inflated grandiosity. He wishes to impress them, shock them, threaten them, infuse them with awe, inspire them, attract their attention, subjugate them, or manipulate them. He emulates and simulates an entire range of emotions and employs every means to achieve these effects. He lies (narcissists are pathological liars – their very self is a false one). He plays the pitiful, or, its opposite, the resilient and reliable. He stuns and shines with outstanding intellectual, or physical (or anything else appreciated by the members of the family) capacities and achievements.
The Narcissist and His Family FAQ #22 - By: Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq22.html
How do you feel after you have been with your parents?
Do you feel confused and hurt?
Do you feel angry and frustrated?
Do you feel guilty?
Do you doubt your own reality?
Do you hate yourself?
Do you have an urge to do something
special for them?
Do you do it?
(former n-courage website)
If you have a boss, a roommate, or (heaven help you) a parent with full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, your attempts to develop healthy self-esteem will be severely challenged. There are four ways to go about dealing with such people. Each approach may be useful at various times, and understanding all four will give you a range of responses to your own least favorite narcissists.
THE OBJECT OF MY AFFECTION The Narcissists in Your Life: How to Handle Them By Martha Beck “O” Magazine, August, 2003)
http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200308/omag_200308_beck_d.jhtml
As a child, I used to be dazed by my narcissistic parent's public demeanor -- I wanted to take that person home with me or else live our entire family life in the protection of the public eye -- so attractive, modest, and sweet that even I could hardly believe that this same person could be the raging fiend I knew at home and had seriously thought, for a while when I was about ten, might be a werewolf.
Aftermath – Joanna Ashmun
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/aftermath.html
The fact is that there is next to nothing anyone can do to modify a narcissist's behavior and the only useful advice I ever got (first from my non-narcissistic parent, later repeated by my Jungian analyst) was "Get out and stay out." But that's much more easily said than done. We're still members of families that have been damaged, corrupted and corroded by narcissists' pathology, and we can't totally remove ourselves from the narcissists' sphere of influence without also forsaking other family members and old friends. Parents sharing child-rearing or custody with narcissists, or who have narcissistic children, can't just get out and stay out. Aftermath
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/aftermath.html
Genetic Causes
Some scientists believe that there is a genetic aspect to NPD. These researchers implicate that NPD is carried from generation to generation via a high-frequency recessive gene, not a dominant gene. What this means in layman's terms is that narcissism may be manifest in some of the genetic carriers' (the parents') offspring but may not be apparent in all of their children. If both parents have the recessive gene, these researchers believe the likelihood for the children to develop the disorder increases.
How to Deal with Narcissistic Personality Disorder
http://wiwi.essortment.com/narcissisticp_rwmn.htm
Your involvement with the NPD individuals is characterized by an ever-increasing effort to please and gain approval. However, like the Wizard, the narcissist’s approval is rarely given. Instead, you are more likely to see the unpredictable anger and rage over the smallest infraction or mistake. Great sensitivity to criticism, or intolerance of anything perceived as less than a perfect performance, can cause the NPD individual to unleash an outburst of sharp and hurtful rage. At times these experiences leave you feeling helpless, unable to do anything but crawl off to a corner to figure out what happened. Over time, these behaviors insidiously lower your self-esteem and set you on a path of consistent and increasing self-doubt.
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor D. Payson, MSW
In developing the Narcissistic Personality, it is important to consider the parental history. A highly critical family environment dominated by extremely demanding parents generally marks the childhood of the Narcissistic character. In such a family the child's primary function is to enhance the mother's or father's self-esteem: the child as accessory. When the child in such a family fails to live up to such stringent parental expectations (which are inevitable), the child will be the target of criticism, either direct or indirect, and suffer rejection. The damage occurs during the child's formative years, a time when nurturing and the discovery and fostering of a functional personality are crucial.
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/473
The narcissistic parent regards his or her child as a multi-faceted Source of Narcissistic Supply. The child is considered and treated as an extension of the narcissist. It is through the child that the narcissist seeks to settle "open scores" with the world. The child is supposed to realise the unfulfilled dreams, wishes, and fantasies of the narcissistic parent.
Narcissistic Parents by Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq5.html
Understanding why your parent acts the way he or she does is an essential first step toward being able to manage the challenges of an aging Narcissist, but what may be more difficult for you is actually accepting these truths. This is because to accept the truth of your parent's primitive internal world means giving up hope of ever being recognized and valued as a separate person."
Narcissism and Aging - The Mirror CracksWhy is it Always About You - Author Sandy Hotchkiss
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
CONTINUES BELOW...
Last edited by femfree, Mar/4/2009, 10:54 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Oct/26/2008, 6:54 pm
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femfree
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Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
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Coping Snapshots 2
Page 2
The destructive narcissistic parent is very adept at knowing sore spots, emotional triggers and exactly how to induce shame and guilt. Some are emotionally abusive under the guise of being helpful. For example, the parent who takes the carving knife from you, saying they will cut the roast as you are so clumsy you’ll wind up cutting yourself and ruining dinner. That does not change the negative impact of the emotional abuse, which seems to continue even into adulthood.
Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina W. Brown
As the grown child of an NPD parent, you are perhaps well aware of the repeating pattern of interaction that leaves you feeling frustrated, humiliated, manipulated, or simply unrecognized. After your encounters with your NPD parent, you may also feel angry with yourself that you weren’t clever enough to avoid taking it on the chin one more time. Growing up in the sphere of an NPD parent has created your inability to recognized that once you enter the domain of the narcissist, the one-way street has no exit.
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor D. Payson, MSW
As the adult child begins to recognize the truth of her own wounding with the NPD parent, she can begin to heal and grow. Healing and growth will be reflected when: The adult child can validate and empathize with the thoughts and feelings that are expressions of her authentic self and mourn the loss of these opportunities in childhood. The adult child can develop protective boundaries – asserting limits on the entitlement demands and devaluing behaviors of the NPD parent.,, The many lost opportunities to explore and know the self are important to grieve.
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor D. Payson, MSW
Being a Rainy Day Person on occasion is a good thing. Making it a way of life is stupidity at best - suicidal at worst. It’s an empty existence, where one lives vicariously through others, finding identity in their admiration because you were taught that complete selflessness was your gift to the world and anything less made you worthless. That is what a narcissistic parent teaches you. You only have an identity when you do something they can admire without being threatened by it. This is why Narcissists often produce other Narcissists. The child is taught that what matters above all else is how others see you. My mother stated this often; she also had another stipulation - what she thought was more important that what anyone else thought. In other words, her view of her children was suppose to be the only one that mattered, but we also had to give her something the rest of the world could praise her for. My mother’s needs were paramount. Nothing else took priority.
Holding the Mirror (The Life of One Narcissistic Enabler) By Miranda Shaw - Chapter “Rainy Day People”
http://www.angelfire.com/home/mirandashaw/index.html
A declaration of independence will be effective only if you have an internal commitment to work hard to obtain independence and a willingness to accept the consequences. Simply declaring independence isn’t enough, especially if you cave in because you cannot tolerate the consequences. Your parent will also be working against your obtaining independence.
Children of the Self-Absorbed, Nina W. Brown
Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents
http://www.voicelessness.com/loveenough.html
There are, however, some other things it is pretty safe to say about the normal children of narcissists. One is that they are likely to tolerate narcissists. When you grow up with things, you have no way of knowing that they are abnormal. You think that some people "are just like that." You're trained to tolerate it, because to do anything but is a sin. You're even brainwashed into thinking it's your fault. You have no way of knowing that everybody's home is not like yours, that you are growing up in a home headed by somebody who belongs in psyche ward.
The Important Stuff – The Children of Narcissists
What Makes Narcissists Tick by Kathleen Krajco
http://www.operationdoubles.com/narc/index.htm
When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you experience trauma and pain from your parents' actions, words, and attitudes. Because of this trauma you experienced, you grew up changed, different from other children, missing important parts of necessary parenting that prepare you for adulthood, missing parts of your childhood when you were forced into unnatural roles within your family. For some of you, it has led you to attempt to flee the pain of your past by alcohol or drug use. Others of you feel inexplicably compelled to repeat the abuses that were done to you on your own children or with your own spouse. Others of you have felt inner anxiety or rage, and don't know why you feel as you do.
When You Grow Up in a Dysfunctional Family by George A. Boyd
http://www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctionalfamily2.html
Words from ACONs
"It seems a little strange to me that I logged onto these boards in response to a threat from my XP only to find I am discovering more about my childhood than anything else!!"
"I come from a dysfunctional background. My mother is a raging N, and, quite honestly, I have great difficulty understanding as an adult when I'm being treated in a way that is just wrong."
"I handle my Nfather this way: Only Christmas and Birthday Cards. No visits unless it's for a specific purpose e.g. meet him at a family wedding. Never leave my children alone with him, ever. I am always polite and if I'm ever baited I ignore him."
"We are attracted to Ns because they are like our fathers, and we want to resolve unresolved conflicts we had as children with men like our fathers. We also feel comfortable with these men as our fathers were our role models as to what a man was".
"We have to break out of our patterns and learn what a healthy relationship is."
"I read the suggestions in Verbal abuse book that Patricia Evans wrote and try to follow them. One of them is to say... "Well, there she goes again, just mom being mom, no big deal.. sure am glad I know she has NPD and this isn't about me, this is just the way she is." I find that by doing that it makes it less of a big deal in my mind."
"From 0-14 I thought he was the bee's knees and mum an awful burden to him when it was the other way round. Objectively he never gave us time, support or pulled his weight financially but I wasn't adult enough to see the problem and forgave the charismatic brilliant one all. Next he encouraged me to rebel against and hurt mum and to leave home prematurely. In my 20s I realised his self promo was false, that mum had had it hard but put it down to him being a little unbalanced and was forgiving. As I got more sophisticated I could identify the seriousness of his emotional abuses to us all and acknowledge now that he is a pretty ******* evil bastard."
"This is truly the one thing that makes me purple with rage: we're adults and have the ability to walk away. Children can't: they're just stuck with their N parents."
"I remember the first time I stood up to my Mother N. I must have sounded like Katherine Hepburn's most shaky voice but I overcame my fear and did it. (And my Mother N was a truly violent person) And you know what, she was stunned into silence."
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
Last edited by femfree, Mar/4/2009, 10:55 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Oct/26/2008, 7:00 pm
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