femfree
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Coping with At-Risk Children
Tips for Coping with the At-Risk Child
"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
to have a thankless child!"
Shakespeare
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The Voices of parents....
"I feel guilty for bringing one into this world to prey on others. And there isn't a thing I can say or do to help him. I don't want to sit by and watch him lie and manipulate his way into someone's life."
"By two we wondered why she was so sad and nasty. We were so blind and always made excuses, just knowing that she would outgrow it or would get better with each stage of her life. Instead, it almost seems to have gotten worse. What a hard time it is to have people with this disorder in our lives!"
"We have come to the painful realization we are living with a little monster who will probably only continue to get worse. It hurts. It's painful, but we now see that to believe otherwise will only destroy us."
"When my son realized the depth of my love for my granddaughter she became the best weapon he would ever have to use against me. I wasn't about to let that happen. Another thing having this child has done is to help validate that I am a good mother, that the way he has turned out is not my fault."
"I have had to work so very hard to distance myself emotionally from my own daughter. I would do anything to make it "right".My husband and I have done everything in our power to help her. We can do no more. I still love her, but I know that she is who she is, and that just about kills me."
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"You have to create some emotional distance between you and the person you're trying to help, and you've got to do it at the moment when he or she needs you most. If that's not one of the most annoying facts of life, I'd like to know what is."
Linda Richman, I'd Rather Laugh: How to be Happy When Life Has Other Plans for You
Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook
Advice from a professional psychiatric nurse.
“I am a psychiatric nurse and have often worked with this type of client [Narcissistic PD} on our admission unit. They are considered to be one of the most difficult to work with. As the discussion mentions at the base of this is poor self-esteem and an inability to accept consequences. How do we work with this type of client? Focus on the behaviors that are acceptable and not acceptable. Set limits. Family members should agree on what they are and be consistent. Set up consequences and work as a group.
It is strongly suggested that we do not ignore the behaviors for two reasons. Firstly, the person learns that there are not consequences for what he says or does. Secondly, this could lead to and "acting out" (act of verbal or physical aggression). These behaviors should be totally unacceptable and the family should make that clear. Set limits. Agree upon what is ok and not ok and all members should do the same thing. Example: Asking the person to leave, giving a firm "no" and ending the discussion. When the behaviors are neutral or even pleasant, point out that that time was positive. When they are not, point them out in a non-judgemental fashion and set the limit. The prognosis is poor for this type of personality disorder. Often these people are rejected and alone over time. Of course these are my thoughts and not everyone will agree with me.
Hope whatever I added gives some help."
Bi-Polar Disorder is one of the most difficult psychiatric and medical conditions to treat. The severity of manic, depressive and mixed states cannot be over emphasized. While obviously harmful to the patient, these conditions can be equally as damaging for their loved ones, sometimes more so.
Being firm and learning to say no (without explanation) seems to work when patients are manic and they can think faster than the physician or therapist.
The Canadian Journal of Diagnosis, Volume 20, No. 3, Spring, 2003
How Can I Help Patients, Dr. Chris Gorman, Assoc. Professor, Dept. of Psychiatry, University of Calgary
If I asked you what children need in order to be psychologically healthy, you would probably answer: love and attention. Of course, you would be right--love and attention are essential for every child. But, there is a third psychological need critical to the emotional well-being of children: "voice."
Giving Your Children Voice, Dr. Richard Grossman
http://www.voicelessness.com/parenting.html
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Thoughts on Parent Management Training Parent Management training: Evidence, Outcomes, and Issues by Alan E. Kazdin, PhD
J. Am. Acad. Child Adolesc. Psychiatry 36:10 1349-1356.
Positive reinforcement is the key concept and consists of providing social (attention, praise) and sometimes token reinforcers (points or stars with backup value) for behaviour. Mild punishment is also used as a consequence (eg, brief time-out, loss of tokens or privileges), although for several reasons (eg deleterious side effects of punishment), these play a subservient role to positive reinforcement.
Characteristics of Treatment – Treatment is conducted primarily with the parent(s) who implement several procedures at home. The parent(s) meet with a therapist, who teaches them to use specific procedures to alter interactions with their child, to promote prosocial behaviour, and to decrease deviant behaviour. Parents are trained to identify, define and observe problem behaviors in new ways. PMT has led to marked improvements in child behaviour on parent and teacher reports of deviant behaviour, direct observation of behaviour at home and at school, and institutional records (eg school truancy, police contacts, arrest rates, institutionalization).
Factors that Contribute to Treatment Outcome - Considerable attention has been devoted to identifying parent and family characteristics that contribute to outcome. Family socio-economic disadvantage, marital discord, high parental stress and low social support, single-parent families, harsh punishment practices, and parent history of antisocial behaviour predict (1) who remains in treatment; (2) the magnitude of change among those who complete treatment; and (3) the extent to which changes are maintained at followup. Those families at greatest risk often respond to treatment, but the magnitude of effects is attenuated as a function of the extent to which these factors are present. Among child characteristics, more severe and chronic antisocial behaviour and comorbidity predict reduced responsiveness to treatment.
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The only thing you can do to prevent your son from emulating his father - is to present to him another role model of a NON-narcissist - YOU. Hopefully, when he grows up, he will prefer your model to his father's. But there is only that much you can do. You cannot control the developmental path of your son. Exerting unlimited control over your son is what narcissism is all about - and is exactly what you should avoid at all costs, however worried you might be.
How Can I Save My Child? By Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/4.html
The only study I am aware of that examined genetics and narcissism suggested that 64% of the variation was accounted for by genetics (Livesley WJ, Jang KL, Jackson DN and Vernon PA, Am J Psychiatry 1993 150(12):1826-1831). Of course, studies using other measures of narcissism are necessary in order to confirm or modify this figure. Nevertheless, narcissism and narcissistic responses to stress and trauma likely have significant genetic bases….If our children experience voicelessness during childhood, the risk of narcissism (for those predisposed), depression, and anxiety rise commensurately later in life. However, if we can find a way to give our children “voice” and the implicit respect that goes with it, we can lessen the chance of a generalized narcissistic response to people and the world at large.
A Note About Narcissism and Genetics Dr. Richard Grossman
http://www.voicelessness.com/narcissismgenetics.html
A favourite tactic of the bully in the family is to set people against each other. The benefits to the bully are that:
a) the bully gains a great deal of gratification (a perverse form of satisfaction) from encouraging and provoking argument, quarrelling and hostility, and then from watching others engage in adversarial interaction and destructive conflict, and
b) the ensuing conflict ensures that people's attention is distracted and diverted away from the cause of the conflict.
Bullying in the Family
http://www.bullyonline.org/related/family.htm
I'm starting to read books about becoming a stepmother and they have a little section on how to deal with a PEW (psycho ex-wife). It basically said to keep my finances separate from my husband's and stay away as much as possible and keep in mind that when the children become adults, she will no longer have the same amount of control over them.
The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace (Paperback) by Sally Bjornsen. (quote from a member)
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
CONTINUED BELOW...
Last edited by femfree, Mar/18/2009, 11:58 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Oct/26/2008, 8:54 am
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femfree
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Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
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Re: Coping Snapshots 1
Coping Snapshots 2
My advice to you is to immediately stop engaging in "unconditional love". Narcissists sense blood where others see only love and altruism. If – for masochistic reasons, which are beyond me – you still wish to engage this young person, my chief advice to you would be to condition your love. Sign a contract with him: you want my adoration, admiration, approval, warmth, you want my home and money available to you as an insurance policy? If you do – these are my conditions. And if he says that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you anymore – count your blessings and let go. Omar al-Khayyam, the famous Persian poet once wrote: when you want to have the bird – set it free.
Adolescent Narcissist A Case Study FAQ #16 By: Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq16.html
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A mother's message about child with RAD - please do get professional parent training to assist you in implementing any tactics.
When she gets whiny/cry-ish, "I'm sorry, I can't understand when you're talking like that. Please come back later when you're able to talk in a big-kid voice."
Basically, put positive reinforcement into high gear, and combine that with practice conforming. The conformance exercises are what really kick the kid back into the right place, mentally. Ex, out of nowhere, telling child "do 20 jumping jacks." "Touch your toes 10 times" randomly throughout the day. Mid-conversation, while getting dressed, whatever they're doing they have to stop & do a short exercise stint for you, then go back to what they're doing. It gets them in the habit of doing what you ask w/o thinking. THe kids see it as a game, don't realize they are having their defiance tendencies undercut We had really great training, and to this day still use it."
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A survivor's quote...
From a step-mother of three mentally ill/disordered daughters
“I wish I could offer you any encouragement with your loved one, but in the 11 years I've dealt with them in my life, I've only known grief, lies, distorted realities, schemes, police, chaos, courts. I often feel like they sit in the eye of a self-created tornado and watch their loved ones circling around in total chaos, and if the winds ever die down, they find a way to get them whirling again. I have always felt like they did this on purpose - like they were the most cunning people I've encountered to orchestrate all this turmoil but through this website, I've come to learn that I'm wrong and that there truly are deeper reasons an N acts out like they do. The key for you is to learn as much as you can as fast as you can, and protect yourself financially and emotionally. Not too many people survive the devastation of a tornado.”
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Words from Mother Theresa...
"I once picked up a woman from a garbage dump and she was burning with fever; she was in her last days and her only lament was: ‘My son did this to me.’
I begged her: You must forgive your son. In a moment of madness, when he was not himself, he did a thing he regrets. Be a mother to him, forgive him. It took me a long time to make her say: ‘I forgive my son.’
Just before she died in my arms, she was able to say that with a real forgiveness. She was not concerned that she was dying. The breaking of the heart was that her son did not want her. This is something you and I can understand."
Mother Theresa
http://www.ewtn.com/motherteresa/words.htm
quote:
"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat."
Mother Theresa
Last edited by femfree, Mar/18/2009, 11:59 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Nov/3/2008, 4:03 pm
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