femfree
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Advice from a Stepparent
Advice from a Stepparent...
"There are times when parenthood seems nothing
but feeding the hand that bites you."
Peter De Vries
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My 15-year-old stepson has Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD). However, until he is 18 years old he cannot be “officially” diagnosed nor treated as such. Consequently, he is not being treated at all. Not that that makes much difference. There does not seem to be any hope for him. Everything I read says it is basically incurable and untreatable.
I was the first one to realize the truth when he was about 12. Having been, in the past, a practicing psychotherapist, certain behaviors caught my attention; lack of appropriate emotional response, unwillingness to take on any responsibility, ability to manipulate, lack of social skills and immaturity, lying and blaming. I hoped it was something else. But, as time passed, it became undeniable. Finally, we took him for intensive testing. Off the record, our suspicions were confirmed. On the record he was diagnosed with “conduct disorder”. Over time, his behavior has worsened.
He is now textbook ASPD with the exception of displaying cruelty to animals (although he cannot be left alone with my small grandchildren, even for a few minutes, because he will hurt them if he is). Since they cannot make an official diagnosis of ASPD until he is 18 they refuse to "officially" treat him as such. He smokes pot, fails every subject in school and refuses to do schoolwork, steals anything we don't lock down, lies constantly, blames everyone else, displays strange sexual behaviors, cons anyone who will buy it, refuses to obey any rules at school or at home, and has already been arrested 3 times. He honestly does not believe rules of any kind apply to him. He sees any attempt to place limitations on his behavior as a challenge to prove he cannot be controlled. He has no real emotions (doesn't even grasp the concept) and seems to truly not comprehend there is a problem. As long as no one crosses him or requires anything from him he is charming, witty and pleasant. Otherwise he is either acting like we are the problem children he must tolerate or he becomes angry and verbally aggressive. We feel like his prisoners most of the time.
There are other, less threatening associated problems; poor memory, poor planning skills, inability to project consequences to behavior, boredom due to bland emotional life, leading to thrill seeking. He does not comprehend the connection between work and reward and believes he will succeed in life simply because he wants to. He believes anything he wants is “owed” to him. He is incapable of comprehending “others” as separate from himself and is oblivious to their wants or needs. He knows no boundaries and does not recognize the rights of others nor respect them. He doesn’t understand why others find his behavior intolerable. The hardest thing we had to accept is that this child is incapable of loving. He does not love us. Not in any true sense.
Initially, no one wants to accept he is ASPD. We have been through numerous therapists. They waste a great deal of our money and time while we wait for them to finally come to the same conclusion everyone else eventually comes to. Then they refuse to attempt to treat him. We have gone through the same thing with his schools. He is the master at identifying and latching on to a co-dependant teacher of counselor and exploiting them most of the school year before we finally get the call of resignation and agreement that he is indeed ASPD. We have repeated this over and over. We begin every school year and every first counseling session the same way; begging for them to address this for what it is as opposed to trying everything else that has already been tried unsuccessfully. We usually have put up with the attitude that they know better. We have been told they are sure he does have emotions, he just suppresses them. We have been assured they can get to the bottom of it all. Most of the time they are a little arrogant about it. Most of the time they treat us as if we are horrible for believing such a thing about our son. But, eventually, they admit defeat. Then they act like something must be wrong with us to have birthed such a twisted kid. (In fact, he is adopted).
We have managed to learn a few things that may be helpful to other parents of ASPD kids.We have learned:
the definition of true powerlessness. We cannot “fix” him or help him.
it is not our fault or a failure in out parenting abilities.
to deal with him unemotionally. ASPD’s find emotional people scary. We also refrain from using “feeling” words in our conversation as these words mean nothing to him.
to never show any real depth of feelings for him beyond being pleasant because he interprets this as weakness and will exploit it. We only deal with him matter-of-factly.
to not try to project our own feelings or those we believe he should have on him. The best he can do is imitate those emotions for the purpose of exploitation.
to be absolutely consistent. He sees inconsistency as weakness and will exploit it. Consequences must be swift, immediate and without emotion and without fail.
to describe possible consequences only in what he has to gain or lose. He has no concept of right or wrong except in relationship to his own discomfort or pleasure. Guilt is beyond his abilities. Shaming him only annoys him.
to not waste our time explaining why we must say “no”. Our explanations only provide him an opportunity to look for a loop-holes or argue in an attempt to wear us down.
not to expect him to learn much from experience. He won’t.
to act the same toward him when he is being charming as when he is not. We try to maintain a consistently even response at all times.
to acknowledge but not reward good behavior. If we reward it, he sees it as a new method of scamming.
to suspect underlying motives to sudden charm or helpfulness. There always is one.
to avoid feeling sorry for him. It makes us weak and he exploits it.
to be tough and to not allow others to malign us for our "harsh attitudes".
to remember we cannot “hurt his feelings.” Sometimes harsh words are what will get his attention, at least temporarily.
to deal with him with our own best interest at heart because nothing we do will change him or his behavior. We can only protect ourselves and others.
Although this is not his fault and he is mentally ill, he is also dangerous to those around him and their protection must come first.
to accept that this child is a predator. He will use and abuse anyone to get what he wants without any concern for the victim.
to understand that, although he appears to be, he is not evil. He is only concerned with doing and getting what he wants. He is oblivious to the harm it is causing others.
to love a child with ASPD can be deadly both to them and to us.
to disassociate from love for him as much as possible for our own survival. We have had to except he will, most likely, end up in prison or dead and can only hope he doesn't hurt too many along the way.
we can only do the best we can because there will be very little help for us along the way and probably none for him. We cannot possibly expect others to understand. Unless you have been there, it’s almost impossible to comprehend. More than once we have had to deal with others who see us as the monsters. More than once we have had to defend what little sanity our methods provide against “caring” people who want to come to our sons ”defense” , projecting their own emotions on to him.
We are sure he will leave us as soon as he can. We stand very much in his way of what he wants to do and refuse to cater to him. We won’t try to stop him. Socio-paths rarely maintain a relationship with anyone they cannot use. He will move on to the next “sucker” who will support him. It seems the best we can hope for is he will end up as a con-man as opposed to a rapist or murderer. We have grave concerns that he will be released on society and probably do much damage to others before (if ever) he is stopped. We also fear what will happen if he marries and/or has children. We feel helpless to protect whatever future victims he may encounter. We can only protect our family and ourselves.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear. I know you would rather hear that something you could do would make a difference. I wish I could say that is the case. But, so far, it has not proven to be so. I have not tried to give you hope. I have tried to give you strength and courage and to let you know you are not the bad one and you are not alone. Most of all, I have tried to share the tools that have helped make our lives with a sociopath more manageable; a way to survive until he is old enough to go. A day we are looking forward to.
...elektra, stepmother
Tag: Mysticcreations at Fotki.com
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
Another Story from a Stepmother Continued Below...
Last edited by femfree, Mar/18/2009, 12:05 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Oct/26/2008, 8:59 am
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femfree
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Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
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Re: Advice from a Stepparent
Stepmom’s Story
I was a basket-case and right in the eye of the storm of the P when I was writing to you when you suggested counseling. I could not see the forest for the trees during that time, just like many other times through all of those years. I also was in my thinking mode of "He is the one who needs help - not me" and this was before the counseling. I now can look back and see the progress counseling has done for me. I was so lost and helpless feeling along with all of the other feelings that a person has who has a P in their life. This is one of the "Steps" I told you about. There are many, and they aren't named or numbered, they are each private to the survivor and each made by the survivor in his or her own situation. This came from my own experience, I didn't read it in a book. It is coming directly from me regarding my own situation and life as I see it and go through it. I am saying it as I look back on how desperate I was to get out of my life with the P, and the changes that happened after counseling.
I want to stress that I am by far from the place I want to be in my situation. I have a long way to go in counseling to get there, and I know I will. It is a very hard thing to do. I am only a few steps from where I was, and that is so very important to let someone know who hasn't taken any steps yet.
After 15 years of living hell with the step-son/P/S, I couldn't take it anymore. I was depressed, cried at inappropriate times, lost my temper, lost interest in everything but my life, missed work and the list goes on and on.
My husband and I tried everything we could think of during those 15 years to make things better. We did not know the step-son was a P until after I made that decision a couple of years ago to get him out of my life for good. I was at the point where I didn't want to leave the house not even to go out in the yard.
My husband and I got into a big argument over this, and I came out looking like the bad guy as usual. I had had enough.
During those 15 years, I was afraid I would lose my husband through divorce if I refused to let the P in our lives anymore. The P is his son. So I told myself that I am going to put this as my number one priority and do nothing else until I can come up with a solution or answer of some kind. We have a shed out behind our house that I keep my garden tools and crafts in. I stayed out there for 5 days except to come in the house to sleep at night. It took me 5 days to come to this decision. During those days, I did not comb my hair, brush my teeth, bathe, change my clothes, watch t.v.. listen to music or talk to my husband. I slept in the other bedroom those nights. On the 5th day, the answer came to me.
Once during those 15 years, I told my husband he had to make a choice between his son and me. He said I can't ask him to do that, and that he won't do it. I came to the conclusion that if the only way to get the PS out of my life is to get my husband out of my life and that would end my marriage, then that is what I would have to do. That's how bad I wanted out of this hell.
Since I can't ask my husband to make a choice, I decided to make that choice for myself and not for him. (I sat there for 4 days waiting for something to come to me, but nothing did. I almost thought this was going to be hopeless). This decision was very important to me and was going to change my life one way or another, so I had to make sure it was what I wanted plus I knew once I made the decision, I would not go back on it....not ever. I told my husband that I made a choice for myself and not for him. I want to cut all ties with his son. This means the son is not allowed in the 2 places I live which are our home and our business. I told him I was going to leave it up to him whether we stay married or not, and that would mean if he agreed with me or not. I told him I didn't care if he spent time with his son or went to his house for holidays or whatever - just keep him away from me. My husband agreed to it. The son hasn't spoken to him since.
The next day at our shop, the P came to the back door to talk to one of our employees. I went back and told him to leave and not come back. What he did after that is another story for another time. He hasn't been back since except to stalk and harass us outside in his vehicle. This has gone on for 2 years until I learned not to react to it. This is not the end of the story. It's only about my "decision". There are so many many things he has done to us, but that is in the past and I have to accept that it has happened and that there is nothing I can do about it now.
I don't dwell on this like I used to, because of the counseling I have been going to for it. I am more prepared though for future strikes from him. To read what I just wrote may sound easy or too easy to do for someone. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, because the steaks were so high - I could lose everything including my husband. It is not easy. Nothing is easy when dealing with PS. I've been through hell during these past 2 years with the stalking and harassing and the police not believing me and you know the rest of what goes along with it. I have taken a step out of this hole by making that decision and another step by going to counseling and another for acting on the advise from my counselor. It truly is one step at a time in this manner of speaking. I look at it as 3 steps forward and not still where I was. Each step brought inner peace to me that I never knew existed. I feel for each and every person who has to deal with a monster like this. I can relate to what they say. I can only repeat it again - it is a very hard thing to do to take that first step and the ones after it are also hard. All you need to do is take one step and the rest will come with some work. I am aware that there are many other things to deal with, and I am going to have to face each and every one of them. I just didn't have the tools I needed that I learned from counseling. I'm rambling on. Better stop for now.
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Our gratitude to our member for sharing her story.
Graphic from Serenity Backgrounds
http://serenitybackgrounds.aimoo.com/
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
Last edited by femfree, Mar/18/2009, 12:10 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Oct/26/2008, 9:02 am
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