femfree
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Life for the N is a play by LynnS
Life for the N is a play
by LynnS
The curtain goes up and he is center stage. When a target can't quite get her head around that idea, I think it's due to the fact that she is trying to figure out and make sense of her own role in his life, or in N terms, his play, then and now. She doesn't understand that it is just that to him: nothing more than a play.
Even his play is a distorted reflection of life. The sad truth is that for the N, there are no other human roles, no leading ladies; there is nobody else who gets a bit part even. It isn't and never was about anyone else but him. He is the leading character in his own play. Everyone else is but a stage prop, a mirror, and an audience.
Taking that analogy to a more concrete level, in spending time figuring him out, the betrayed is really trying to figure out her significance in his life, I think. That is very normal when a target comes to the realization that she is disposable and replaceable to a Narcissist. The questions start. Did nothing matter? Or did it matter in some twisted way you don't understand? The wound there is feeling like you did NOT matter and that hurts.
If you are plagued with why's of this nature, you must realize that your significance to him was and is chiefly in terms of what you did to prop up his image of himself. You were the audience or perhaps the stage adornment. If you're still involved with him in any way, you still are. The whole world is an audience. He simply assesses who can provide him the best audience and help the applause meter go up as he wanders through life. He determines what 'props' get him the best supply, make him look best in the mirror, or at the very least make him visible, and he shifts his focus around accordingly.
Really, the bottom line in regard to N's is, whatever the question, the answer is usually 'supply'. He seeks attention and admiration. He seeks a response. He exists as long as someone is affirming the false image he has of himself. When that stops, he fears he will no longer exist, and the pursuit begins anew.
The image could be famous or infamous, but the end result is that he needs to know that he has the power to influence and evoke a response. It does not matter what it is or from whence it comes. It's all 'currency' to the Narcissist, as Dr. Vaknin has said. Yes, your attention, or anyone's attention, is merely currency he converts into reinforcing the false image he seeks to maintain and to which he desperately clings. Without that image, he does not exist.
You'll never figure out a way to change his intentions and motivations to 'normal view' so that you can understand him. They're not. There is not a 'hidden person' underneath who is playing the part he plays. That person never was. He was lost to his disorder long ago. He is not really even an actor playing a role. He is the character he's playing. Very sad, but I think it's as close as any of us will ever come to 'getting it'. There is no more than that there.
So, where did or do you fit in his play? That's the question targets seem to be trying to understand on some level. What is your role? Well, he cannot see you as a separate, thinking, feeling person. He doesn't have that capacity. The world revolves around him. You are at best, an extension of his inflated image, again, merely a prop or an audience. His view of 'where you fit' and 'how you mattered' in his grand production is the product of a disordered mind. That is why it's so hard for us to understand. We don't think that way, but we sometimes try to apply how we would feel or think to what he does. That will result in nothing but confusion because it doesn't apply.
We all seek to understand. We all have been there. At some point, we have to leave the theatre and walk out into the sunshine of life where real people do not treat others as props. The N's life and our role in it stops being a mystery and a 'whodunit' to figure out when we realize that on a very basic level, it's not a mystery at all. It is what it is. His life is a tragedy.
LynnS
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Last edited by femfree, Mar/5/2009, 9:28 pm
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Dec/18/2008, 3:43 pm
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