SPSII
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They Never Forget You - memoir_of_a_season
They Never Forget You
by memoir_of_a_season
There's so much injustice in a relationship with an N, not only during the relationship, but also when it ends. The rage/wanting at least the vengeance of making him hurt a little stage is something you go through to get back to yourself, like detoxifying all his poisoning of your self-esteem. It's only after it that you experience the acceptance that everyone talks about, i.e. it doesn't matter if he goes crazy or not. Where you are now is a tough place. What helps is thinking about trusting the managers and those who have passed this stage that eventually you will come to feel the same--that you won't even care about what he "feels" in time (or if you do care, you'll most assuredly care far less and be okay that he's reaping what he's sown).
To help you in the meantime, remember that most N's are highly motivated by envy and have big fears of abandonment, and they will either drive you to abandon them, or, if that doesn't work, abandon you first so that they can feel they've controlled the situation (you). This is part of their facade of grandiosity. They're so sure that they're worthless under all the bravado that they have to reinforce their construct by acting as if you're unimportant to them.
Where that logic breaks down for us is in looking at the whole scheme of how an N functions. All these people he uses are critical to him. If they weren't, he wouldn't be on a constant hunt for supply and thrills and chaos. Everything he needs he has to take from outside of him. This requires a lot of effort on his part, and so he will give his energy efficiently in places and to people who reinforce his construct of himself. My own little theory about this is that if he's feeling powerful and Godlike, he'll prefer adoring supply. When things fall apart and he wants to be punished for being such a bad little boy, he'll either D & D the new supply, or come back looking for someone who already has his number (secondary supply) so he can be yelled at and told what a louse he is--and summarily leave her, writing her off as a b**ch who's to blame for all that's gone wrong with his life. That done, he then gets to feel superior and all better all over again--on someone else's back, and at someone else's cost. Either way, it's win/win for their disorder.
And that's the thing that you'll really see once the heavy cloud of your anger has rained down all its energy--that it's ALL ABOUT HIS DISORDER and how he maintains it. It's when he falls from crest to trough that your NC will hurt him. It hurts him because it consumes his energy trying to find someone else to blame for the wreck that he is. It hurts him because in those minutes now or sometime in the future where he can't escape being alone with himself, he'll know how terribly apart he is from those who can love. As unbearable as losing who we are and what we thought we had is for us, this strikes them so hard that they absolutely can't face it without coming apart at the seams. Why do you think this disorder works for them in the first place? Precisely because they can't bear who they are alone. Every single person that they ever hurt adds to the weight they carry, and drives them more desperately toward crazy responses to problems that they'll never solve, until they become so aberrant that no one can tolerate them. It's like a snake eating its own tail.
He'll never forget you. He's making someone else pay right now for what he's done to you. That's how it works.
One last point is about time. Dollars to donuts your sense of time is accurate and the N's is just plain bizarre. I swear stuff didn't occur to mine for months (and a few times years, and in the case of my extremely NPD father, decades). That's part of it, too. It helps to concentrate on developing the virtue of patience within yourself. If you work on that a lot, by the time the N rears his ugly head again, or even if he never does, you'll be much more calm, indifferent and you'll have a new skill that will help you greatly in other aspects of your life.
tag: http://members.fotki.com/BBWMISTY/
With gratitude to the Author: memoir_of_a_season
Last edited by femfree, Mar/31/2009, 11:07 pm
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"Having looked the Beast in the eye, having given and received forgiveness, we shut the door on the past, not to forget, but to not be imprisoned by it" -Desmond Tutu
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Nov/11/2008, 1:40 pm
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