mamiwata
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Registered: 07-2009
Posts: 85
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
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I am letting you go...
I am letting you go
Not because I want to, but because I have to
I am letting you go
Wishing you would say something to make it better,
Knowing that you can’t
Because what could you say
After everything that’s happened?
What could you say to make abuse okay?
I’m not sure I can forgive you (yet again) – though I want to.
And just saying that sounds stupid and weak.
You’re not that great, smart, handsome or well-heeled
And even if you were
I don’t want to be dead – or suffering through some slightly different version of the past 7 years.
And certainly, one or the other is inevitable - if I stay
So even though it makes me sad and scared to be alone
I am letting you go
Knowing that if you read this, you’ll never recognize your part in this play
No narcissist or sociopath ever does
And I’d only be hurting myself
If I deluded myself into thinking you would
Or that you would care if you did
I am letting you go
Because right now, I am the one with the problem
Obsessing
Wishing for things that won’t be
Knowing how you will always be
Wreaking havoc, causing chaos, bruising flesh, smashing dreams, irreparably damaging
Hearts, spirits, bodies, self-esteem
With your hands, fists, your indifference and your words
No matter how hard I try
I can’t rationalize this into something right or good
God knows I’ve tried
God has shown me all the signs
God is shaking her head in frustration at me
Wondering what it’s going to take for me see
Do I have to end up dead in order to be free?
I see.
So, I’m letting you go.
No kind words left to impart.
No slightly cracked door to offer you a way back in.
The porch light is on
But not for you
You can and probably will
•snicker at my weakness, ridicule my strength
•Tell me it’s all my fault -- and look what I gave up, what I’m missing, what I messed up
•Threaten my well-being
•Taunt me with descriptions of my younger, richer, prettier and sexier replacement
(And yes, I know – he or she - yes I said it exactly that way -- he or she was always the concurrent game you played. I always knew. Shame on me – I always knew.)
But that’s okay.
Because I can finally definitively say –
It’s NOT okay
For me (or anyone else for that matter) to be treated that way.
So
I’m letting you go.
And eventually
I know
I will not only be okay
I will be better.
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Jul/28/2009, 8:37 pm
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Mountaingirrl
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Registered: 07-2009
Posts: 1
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
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 Re: I am letting you go...
I am so sorry... I know your hurt. One day soon we will not be so sad. You are doing the right thing and I think that now we have decided to leave we will feel better once they are out of our lives. Be strong. We deserve love and not abuse.
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Jul/30/2009, 6:07 pm
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