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green eyes1
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Female Narcissists
I have not read much on the board about female narcissists. I believe they are very dangerous people in the sense that they mask themselves as friends to you and place you on this huge pedestal where you are bestowed with compliments, larger than life accolades and then once they devalue you, you are confused and broken as an individual, trying to seek a closure you will never get. I am a 45 year old married woman who had once befriended a female narcissist 4 years ago.She was gorgeous, charming, subliminal in her stares and affectionate behavior with me, fun and we bonded very quickly. She dumped me when she moved 30 minutes away,but before she dumped me she took birthday/housewarming gifts from me and invited me to her soirees at her house. I was devastated that she dumped me and it took a few years to get over her.
About 5 months ago, I met another female narcissist who befriended me. We also got close and our children played together well. Now she is distancing herself from me or rather devaluing me as she too put me on such a high pedestal... I want to end the friendship as well as I know which way it will end anyway, but yet I am drawn to her calling/texting me and it is a sick ride. Has anyone had a female narcissist as a friend and how did you cope with their mood swings, inconsideration, lack of empathy, etc? Did you end the friendship or did they?
Or are they still friends with you?
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Feb/4/2009, 1:30 pm
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1natura
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Re: Female Narcissists
Hi Green Eyes.
Yes i seem to be a magnet for N woman who want to be friends with me. Not sure why - I am a bit introverted but quietly confident and don't care much for superficial things like appearances, who's got the best house, car etc.. but I have a fun side, am adventourous and am good company I think.
So I know well about those N female so-called 'friends'. My advice is to lose them - distance your self from them at all costs - as they will seek to undermine you and ruin your reputation if they possibly can. But of course they can't do that - as it is probably your good reputaion among other things that they are attracted to. They also always think they are the more attractive one if you go out together - Ha! That's fine by me.
I left a job once because of the obnoxious behaviour of an N who practically pursued me to be her freind then kept asking me to vacume her office and treated me like her personal slave ( e.g. 'I just got the vacume cleaner out but I have go out suddenly - can you vacume my office and empty my waste bin" etc... and as I was new to the job - I did it for a while!). She was really creepy and now still turns up to buy things at my main job where I am the boss - but I just say Hello N and walk on by to do something else.
Re. your N - so-called friends - you have something they want - no doubt some great qualities that they are envious of. That's how Ns work - the 'friends' are the worst as they do 'being friends' by the book and so when they 'dump' us we feel that loss of their company. They were never our friends. Think about the nasty digs they make about your appearance, your possesions etc..they are so swift with the sharp comment that we don't have time to react. I take weeks to process things sometimes and so the moment has passed and it is hard to broach such things with an N - and it would never go well to do so.
Unfortunately I have an N on my board of trustees. I have sought advice from my professional supervisor (also a clinical psychologist) about the poor boundries of this woman ( wants to be friends with me - then slips in something nasty from time to time - indicating a mountain of envy and resentment). I feel manipulated by her, and am afraid of her and don't trust her and she has now seduced the chairman ( who is recently widowed)and he ( silly man) is flattered by the attention of a woman 20 years his junior. She has massive power and control issues etc..and is dangerously needy. My supervisor recommends keeping as much distance from her as possible ( so I just have to see her once a month at board meetings).
So - let's keep the N- 'friend' at a big distance from ourselves and be our own best friend first.
keep in touch with how you're doing.
natura
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Jun/10/2009, 1:16 am
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green eyes13
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Re: Female Narcissists
Hi natura,
So good to hear from someone who has an understanding of what I am going through. Unfortunately, since I last wrote this post, things have gotten worse for me with regard to this friendship. This female narcissist friend of mine has become very needy and dependent on my ability to always be helpful, available and just an all around sounding board for her to run her mouth off with all of her men, financial, whatever problems she has. She is very good at being charming and manipulative as well. She is very pretty and stops traffic. She is a mess, being secretive, lying when she can and now she has placed me on the back burner because she has found someone else who is more reliable than me. I already have gone through this once before with another woman who did the same thing to me but has since moved away. Of course I never did get closure. It is hard to break away from her although I am trying. Her kid is friends with mine. I am trying to downgrade our friendship from best friend status to acquaintance, but I am having withdrawal symptoms already from her calling every day to not calling or wanting to see me. It i hard to get through this adjustment. As much as I don't want to see her regularly I am co dependent on her appearance in my life. I don't truly know where to go with this. My therapist is useless and I would like to go to another one asap. Any further advice would be so helpful.
Last edited by green eyes13, Aug/7/2009, 5:57 pm
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Jun/10/2009, 2:27 pm
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1natura
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Re: Female Narcissists
Greeneyes,
Is there something that you really like to do - such as a hobby, special talent etc..?
Something you could excel at with a bit of effort or just something you enjoy? this would be something the N 'friend' wouldn't like to do. Then go and make some regular plans to do this thing.
I don't think it matters if it involves other people or not - as long as it brings you joy and is engaging for you. Do not include the N in this activity. In other words just start to focus on things that feed you that do not involve the n - it will take time but it will become a habit eventually. Even the habit of being on our own reading does not involve the n - or just walking, going to art galleries alone or whatever takes your fancy.
I remember a horrible n women from my past - once rang me after 3 years of no contact and said how sorry she was for the way she and her sister ( both ns) had treated me. SHE was clearly the needy one- but I was at the time so grateful to have my friend back in my life to do fun things with again. Well needless to say she just treated me worse the next time - and while she was the one who yelled at me and finished things as friends - it was her who had behaved badly and so I felt no loss at the ending of the friendship.
I don't have a great number of friends as I am OK with my own company but having friends is great I know - someone to share problems with, have a laugh with , go to the movies with etc...I notice though when things go wrong in one interpersonal area I try to improve relationships in other areas - e.g. with my mother, siblings, colleagues etc.. so it seems natural to have a need to have fullfilling relationships of all kinds. I don't know much about co-dependancy GE - but I am thinking to label oneselves as this might get us stuck in always being this way? Why do you care what this N woman might say about you ?- someone who would bad mouth a mother to her child is a horrible person - other people will see that.
Do something or organise something for yourself this week that does not involve the n at all - make it a habit.
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Jun/10/2009, 3:44 pm
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green eyes13
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Re: Female Narcissists
Hi Natura,
My husband says the same thing you do about having hobbies to pursue or engage in instead of getting wrapped up in someone else's lifestyle. I have a difficult time in general finding a hobby and that is the main problem in my life; ie: relying on others to make me happy and complete and to top it off, I am relying on the worst kind of person, a somatic narcissist that is truly not good for me. I am very social and have many friends, although not many are available to hang out as some work, some are busy in general. I will try harder to find something that is for me only and that should fulfill a little of my time. I will need to tackle this issue slowly and day to day and as committed as I was to not having this happen to me again with a female narcissist, it clearly is happening and I need to work harder to take charge with control in my life. I spent over 9 months getting to know this person very well and closely and now it seems like it was such a waste of time....
.. gossip fades and so does beauty, which will happen for her one of these days.
Last edited by green eyes13, Aug/7/2009, 6:42 pm
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Jun/10/2009, 5:02 pm
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Gettingthere
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Re: Female Narcissists
Hello Green Eyes - I am so relieved to see your post - I too am in the situation you describe (except I have no family) if fact I joined this site for support thru this horrible time (I left a post about exactly this issue on the 'Practice Posting page'). Like you I'm trapped in a small community and am currently being devalued by my beautiful, clever N 'best friend' who is now dividing me from my social circle and one remaining good friend, herself an IN.
I think I attract N's and am drawn to them in turn because I was raised by them and therefore trained for the job of NS - the lifelong urge to 'please my superior soulmate in order to be worthy of love' is unconscious and at times overwhelming. To me, the N in any room is the one person most in focus, whereas someone with healthier responses would be more likely to spot something wrong earlier and steer clear, lacking the emotional 'receptors' onto which the N latches. (My N 'best friend' was herself the daughter of a N parents, and I have seen her drawn to involvement with Ns equal in power to herself - at which point a battle always commences as to which one is going to be the NS - it's an endless cycle of anger, abuse and retribution for both parties as neither can give way.)
If you've been brought up to rely on Ns to 'give you back yourself' for validation, then their withdrawal feels like 'loss of self' and it's very frightening indeed. I'm unable to eat or sleep properly at the moment because of the stress levels. There's also the feeling of being the only person who can spot the games: this in itself is an isolating experience as you find yourself wondering whether you are in fact the crazy one. I see her for example 'installing herself' into our mutual friend (again another woman who attracts Ns) and I'm watching my other friend's views and values distort, just as my own did: for example upon N's instruction she is breaking up with her boyfriend (to become single like the N) because he's 'not interesting enough' and has surrendered her recent plans to buy herself a new kitchen in favour of buying a flash new car like the N's (which N will help her choose). The N plans, in effect, to become equivalent to a new partner.
Like you I simply don't know what to do about my situation: I lack the energy, stamina and skill to take on this 'Alpha Female' at her own game, I don't want to be ostracised from my social group (who now think I'm 'weird' 'menopausal' 'slightly mad' and a 'bad friend' thanks to her machinations) yet nor can I tolerate being her doormat for much longer - I find myself reacting and fighting back in stupid, graceless ways despite plans I make not to do so, mostly because this person will not allow me to set boundaries: she views them as a personal challenge. I feel as though my soul is being corroded by her toxic company as bit by bit she calculatedly attempts to take my power from me by emotionally blackmailing me into situations where she knows I'll be uncomfortable and then sitting back to enjoy the show.
On a more positive note, I can tell you that she is the last N in my life, (our social group formed many years ago when our kids were small, long before I understood all this stuff) and now that I can spot Ns I'm able to avoid them without any problem - so there is hope! To answer your initial question as to who ended the N friendships, I mostly allowed them to (and then was unfailingly polite and kind to them as if I still liked them so as not to look like a challenge) because it's the only way they'll leave you alone - pride is a small price to pay for getting these toxic people out of your head.
Natura, your advice to follow our own interests exclusive of the N is very sound, and perhaps it is the only way through. As we come to self-validate more, the power the N has over us lessens.
Best Wishes, G
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Jun/30/2009, 7:23 am
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green eyes13
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Re: Female Narcissists
Hi gettingthere,
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your very insightful response to my post. I don't check this site as often as I would like, but I did tonight and saw your comments. It is truly good to know that I am not alone with this situation. I found out in therapy years later that I am attracted to narcissists because they represent what I didn't get as a child of a narcissistic parent... we subliminally seek out people who are familiar like our n parents because it is the kind of love and attention we never really got.... and I also find women narcissists a very dangerous type of friend, because they do lure you in their web with praise and shallow "you are special to me" surroundings. I have gotten better in reading the FN but seem to have a hard time letting go. Things are not much better with her... I am still friendly but find myself tiring of her neediness and drama-ridden life.... How are things with you and your friend since you last wrote on this site?
Last edited by green eyes13, Aug/7/2009, 5:39 pm
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Jul/22/2009, 7:44 pm
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NEEDRECOVERY18
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Re: Female Narcissists
HI GREENEYES13,
YES I HAVE DEALT WITH A FEMALE NARCISSIST WE WERE SUPPOSED FRIENDS FOR ALMOST A YEAR, IT HAS BEEN 6 MONTHS SINCE OUR ALTERCATION AND I STILL CAN'T GET OVER IT. IT STARTED WITH HER SEEMING LIKE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, CHARMING, FUNNY, AND RESERVED PERSON EVER. WE WENT TO THE SAME SCHOOL. WE EVENTUALLY BEGAN TO HANGOUT, SHE WOULD COME TO MY HOME ALMOST EVERYDAY AND USE MY THINGS, SHE WOULD CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT GIRLS THAT SHE DIDN'T LIKE FOR NO APPARENT REASON, SHE WOULD TALK CONSTANTLY ABOUT HER BOYFRIENDS (WOULD HAVE LIKE THREE TO FOUR AT A TIME), AND MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE CONSTANTLY AND TALK ABOUT HOW SHE WAS BETTER THAN OTHERS SPECIFICALLY PEOPLE SHE DIDN'T LIKE, SHE WOULD LIE CONSTANLY FOR THE LITTLEST THINGS. I ALMOST FELT SORRY FOR HER EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS PRETTY SHE LIVED IN A CLUTTERED ONE BEDROOM BASEMENT APARTMENT EVEN THOUGH SHE WOULD CONSTANTLY BRAG ABOUT HER OLD HOME AND AS IF HOW SHE LIVED WAS OF SOME SORT EXTRAVAGANT. SHE WOULD TELL ME HOW SMART I WAS, AND HOW I WAS PRETTY.UNTIL EVENTUALLY SHE BEGAN TO TURN ON ME AND MISTREAT ME SHE WOULD COME OVER MY HOUSE TO DO HER HAIR, I WOULD LEND HER THE SUPPLIES AND THEN WHEN HER HAIR WAS DONE SHE WOULD CALL ME NAMES, AND BRING ME DOWN (IT WAS ALWAYS THE SMALLEST THINGS) IT WAS EVEN TO A POINT WHERE SHE WOULD FLIRT WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR THE ATTENTION. I WAS TIRED OF HER CONSTANT ABUSE SO I SENT HER A LETTER THAT SAID I COULDN'T BE FRIENDS WIT HER AND REASONS WHY. SHE WENT ON TO CALL HER OTHER FRIENDS TO TALK TO ME IN A DISRESPECTFUL MANNER I WOULD JUST HANG UP ON HER. UNTIL ONE DAY I CALLED HER PERSON TO PERSON AND TOLD HER HOW I FELT AND CONSIDERED MAYBE JUST MAYBE SHE WOULD UNDERSTAND. THE CONVERSATION ENDED HORRIBLY I WAS JUST LEFT FEELING LIKE THE PIECE OF CRAP THAT SHE MADE ME FEEL EARLIER, SHE JUST WENT ON TO BRAG ABOUT HOW SHE WAS DOING THINGS THAT I WASN'T SO IT COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE HER WITH THE PROBLEM. I EXPERIENCED WHAT I BELIEVED TO HAVE BEEN POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER I WAS TERRIBLY HURT, CONFUSED, AFRAID, HALLUCINATING. SO I FIGURED THE BEST THING TO CALM ME DOWN WOULD BE TO JUST BECOME FRIENDS WITH HER AGAIN.THAT WAS A HORRIBLE DECISION BECAUSE THEN I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT EVERYTHING SHE WOULD SAY OR DO ABOUT ME THAT I WOULD TOO BE AWAITING TO SPEAK TO HER OR GO HANG OUT WITH HER IN MY BEST CLOTHES AND SHOES SO I TO COULD BE OR FEEL AS IMPORTANT OR GAIN AS MUCH ATTENTION AS SHE RECEIVED WHEN WE WENT OUT TOGETHER.I KNEW I WASN'T HAPPY BEING FRIENDS WITH HER, BUT BEING WITHOUT HER WAS MUCH WORSE FOR ME PHYSICALLY AND PSYCHOLOGICALLY. IT WASN'T UNTIL MY EX BOYFRIEND CHEATED ON ME THEN BROKE UP WITH ME THAT HE DECIDED TO SPEAK TO HER AND TELL HER THAT I WOULD SAY THINGS ABOUT HER AND SO I MUST HAVE BEEN JEALOUS OF HER. THAT'S WHEN SHE CALLED ME AGAIN, AND I TOLD MYSELF I WAS TIRED OF HER SO I TOLD HER THAT I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO EXPLAIN TO HER AND THAT SHE SHOULD JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.THAT'S WHEN SHE HAD HER OTHER FRIENDS CALLING ME AND THREATENING ME, SHE EVEN LEFT HORRIBLE VOICE MAIL MESSAGES ON MY PHONE. NOT ONLY WAS I COMPLETELY IN TOTAL SHOCK OF WHAT MY EX DID BUT ALSO OF WHAT SHE DID I WAS SO STRESSED TO THE POINT WHERE I COULDN'T EAT, SLEEP, OR THINK STRAIGHT ANYMORE. I AM SLOWLY TRYING TO RECOVER FROM HER ABUSE, SOMETIMES I ANONYMOUSLY SEND HER MEAN MESSAGES ON HER EMAIL BUT I KNOW THAT ISNT GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING. I AM STILL HURT AND CONFUSED, IT HAD BEEN 6 MONTHS AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE I CRY MY SELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT, ANGRY AT HER AND AT ME FOR BEING SUCH A COWARD AND IDIOT.
Last edited by NEEDRECOVERY18, Jul/28/2009, 10:56 pm
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Jul/26/2009, 10:07 pm
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green eyes13
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Re: Female Narcissists
Hi Need Recovery,
So much of what you say is true about these female narcissists. I had a friend before this FN, who was also beautiful, very confident externally that is, internally, very insecure and distrustful of everyone... we hung out with each other all of the time, inseparable with our kids and each other. I knew she was going through a divorce and moving, so I kind of knew I was being used until she finished biding her time with me. She made me feel horrible about myself, even when I tried to help her... so ungrateful and she was good at getting me to do things for her without even asking!!! She had a lot of charm, but only to those she hand picked, like me... the rest of the people she wasn't interested in were treated very cooly and not shown as much reception. So, I am unfortunately the kind of giving, kind, sincere, loyal person these FN's look for and know how to work....
I know how you feel when someone like this takes advantage of our good nature and then become mean when they don't get their own way. Your words are all too familiar to me and I am sorry that your ex boyfriend made it worse for you with her... I would recommend seeing a therapist, not all are great by the way in understanding why we are attracted to Narcissists. I read somewhere that the reason some of us are easily led by them is because we don't like to be alone and being with them, at least in the beginning, is euphoric and fun, exciting.... a breath of fresh air.. that's how they hook us in... we should know better but we are taken in by their very charming, exuberant presence!! I think with me that's why I keep getting hooked by them.. They are sooo filled with drama and ridiculous expecations, without taking any account of their own actions... Yuck.... I am still struggling with my own FN issues but feel a little better there's this board for us with people like yourself discussing it. Please feel free to respond... Hang in there too it will get better... it does screw up your head for a long time. I felt crazy and trying to find closure for a looooong time when my FN dumped me like that!!! I am a little better prepared now but it still hurts when they discard us and treat us like crap, when we would do the world for them!!
Last edited by green eyes13, Aug/7/2009, 5:42 pm
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Jul/27/2009, 5:30 pm
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NEEDRECOVERY18
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 Re: Female Narcissists
YES I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN SHE WAS VERY POOR SO WHEN WE WOULD GO OUT I WOULD BUY THINGS AND FEEL OBLIGATED TO GET HER SOMETHING AS WELL EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THE RICHES.THANK YOU FOR MAKING MORE SENSE OF MY SITUATION THAT'S EXACTLY ONE OF THE REASONS WHY I WAS SO ATTRACTED TO HER SHE MADE ME LAUGH ALL THE TIME, THAT'S WHY IT APPEARED TO MY FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND BOYFRIEND THAT I WAS SO HAPPY WHEN DEEP DOWN INSIDE SHE MADE ME FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF GUM ON THE BOTTOM OF HER SHOE ONE MINUTE, THEN ALMOST CLOSE TO GOOD THE NEXT. BEFORE SHE AND I MET I WAS VERY LONELY, I HAD JUST MOVED INTO A NEW NEIGHBORHOOD AND SCHOOL PRACTICALLY AND SHE BEGAN TO START VISITING ME. WHEN SHE SAW I HAD THIS AWESOME SPACE OF MY OWN (SORTA BASEMENT APARTMENT) AND HARDLY ANY FRIENDS AT SCHOOL (I AM VERY SHY AND QUIET IN SOCIAL SETTINGS) SHE SAW IT AS PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR N SUPPLY. SHE EVEN INTRODUCED ME TO THE BOYFRIEND OF MINE WHO CHEATED WHO MIGHT I ADD ALSO HAD A DIAGNOSED CHEMICAL DISORDER. WE ALL HAD FUN TIMES TOGETHER EVEN THOUGH WHEN MY EX WASN'T AROUND SHE WOULD TALK NEGATIVELY ABOUT HIM LIKE SHE WANTED US TO SPLIT UP AFTER WE WERE GETTING SO CLOSE, I COULD NEVER REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT. I AM JUST SO GLAD THAT OTHERS CAN RELATE TO ME, IT'S LIKE A BREATH OF FRESH AIR. I DON'T KNOW THE FIRST STEP TO TALKING TO A THERAPIST AND TO BE HONEST AM A LITTLE AFRAID. 
Last edited by NEEDRECOVERY18, Jul/28/2009, 10:57 pm
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Jul/27/2009, 7:44 pm
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