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green eyes13
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Re: Female Narcissists
my first fn did exactly as you described to a "T".... if i disagreed with her in any way, shape or form, i would be in for a silent treatment, followed by a stupid desire for me to try and win her frienship back. for example, we went to this art show in a quaint town. she even told me ahead of time that we would have a blast together and she was really looking forward to it. i had babysitters arranged and everything to make it go smoothly. i met her at a local breakfast hangout where she invited a male friend of hers along. she introduced me to him (this was before she became a total s&^t and didn't introduce me to her other friends). I drove and we initially had a great time together. then she had to ruin it by putting time constraints on the whole thing as in "it's 11:30 and i would've been done with this area already." i told her that maybe we should go separate ways so that i could better enjoy myself and she poo pooed that she wasn't gonna budge, so i rushed through my areas of interest to please her.. and she said oh, we'll have a nice leisurely lunch and we didn't at all... she was always in control. i was sooo stressed from that whole visit to this place we had excitedly talked about.. after that day, she changed with me. she had found another temporary supply source in town. i should've dumped HER then and there, but didn't. and she dumped me... which made it worse for me to process, if you know what i mean. anyway, what i am trying to say is yes, i know exactly what you mean when you disagree with them and they crap all over you. they are not good people, but somehow we feel we need to protect them, take care of them and hope they will change and appreciate our such good-natured ways. they DON'T and never will, but we are soooo entranced by them we don't see it at all until a long time after they leave us.... that is truly the maddening part. i know you're still hurting and i did too for a loooong time. it does get better but it takes a while to feel whole again. we are living in a facade... and like i said before, i am doomed if i get too emotionally invested with this current one but i am afraid i already am invested... she is like a drug that i need to stay afloat. how sick is that?
Last edited by green eyes13, Aug/7/2009, 5:52 pm
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Jul/31/2009, 8:37 pm
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NEEDRECOVERY18
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Re: Female Narcissists
please give me some insight as in how long did it take you to feel whole again because it will give me a better estimate. every time i think i'm over it she creeps up again in my thoughts.
but yeah i don't find that sick at all actually because i have experienced it myself. maybe to someone who doesn't fully understand it or haven't been fully acquainted enough to know.that's why I'm glad we can discuss these things on here because we understand and been through similar if not the same trials and tribulations with these people.
i know exactly what you mean, i on the other hand at the time couldn't exactly put my finger on why i needed this person why i became as dependent on them as they once did of me. why i needed their approval and admiration, it's a sad ongoing cycle. I am very sorry that you've had to personally experience one of these people again. That's something that i am very afraid of as well. Finally opening up again to new friends and having the one type of person i would want to avoid at all costs.
that's why it helps to understand why N's have this radar on you that says supply source. I am questioning whether or not a certain parent of mine is an N to this day. They surely have certain N traits Hmmmm.
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Aug/1/2009, 12:00 am
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green eyes13
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Re: Female Narcissists
well, everyone has their own time frame of how long it took to get over their N, but with me, sorry to say it was at least a few years!! i also had never gone through this type of friendship. i totally transformed myself too with her and maybe that's why she had such a big impact on my life and it was hard to see that go... back then, I didn't understand or prepare myself as well as I do now and I desperately wanted closure as to why she dumped me when, even though we had our differences, she was receptive enough to have me over her new home and invite me to a party, then altogether dissolve into thin air after that... i was very sick and tired of her at the end of our friendship and i am sure she felt the same way. it was just the way she ended it. i now know that i did nothing wrong, that she was the one who had trouble keeping friends, except if they obeyed and kissed her a%% a lot....
i have a narcissistic father who I don't really get along with, so that may explain why i subconciously seek out those type of people whom i never got the attention or love from and repeat the pattern over and over again. which parent of yours do you think is a narcissist?
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Aug/1/2009, 9:20 am
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green eyes13
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Re: Female Narcissists
may i also add that please in no way think that it will take you a few years to put this behind you. your situation is fresh still and 6 months is not really all that long a time frame. you felt betrayed by someone you thought was a friend. it will get better for you. and it is hard to not be enticed again by another fn as they do have that radar that signals us to be their supply. i only can hope that this is the last fn for me as i hope to run the other way if another one shows up, no matter how exciting or great they make me feel, it is a warning to avoid them at all costs. i hope you are doing ok with all of this info we're sharing.
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Aug/1/2009, 6:45 pm
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NEEDRECOVERY18
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Re: Female Narcissists
Hi greeneyes13,
sorry for the postponed response i had just been in the moving process and recently gotten situated. But i really do hope that it won't take me years to get over this hardship, actually 6 months isn't really that long and i'm feeling better already. even though this was my first tragic "friendship" with an N it is getting a bit easier day by day if i can keep it going, the recovery process without looking the N up over the internet or anything.
I believe that my father is an N, that's why i probably have this feeling to love and nurture people who don't want to return the same feeling.
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Aug/3/2009, 1:24 pm
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green eyes13
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Re: Female Narcissists
Hi Need Recovery,
Yes, it is a constant struggle with trying not to think of these people and living without the up/down chaos, however exciting,that leaves us when they leave us....
i am still grappling with needing her in my life. as much as she drives me crazy, there's a codependency that we have with each other.... and if that goes away, i will have to deal with withdrawal symptoms which i am more mentally prepared for than before but i am still worried how that will make me feel again.
no, six months is not a long time to still think of the fn. that is why they are so good at picking people who still would welcome them back in some capacity...
if you find yourself still thinking of her, do a running tally of all the things she said/did to you that was not rewarding and then counter that with some of the positives in that relationship. you will see the negatives far outweigh the positives, but it is a start to see how they really are in our eyes so that we may begin to not miss the good times we had with them so much but to relieved to get out of their chaotic life.
it is only a start to a very stressful, complicated finish.... they consume our thoughts even when we think we are behind them and are rational, etc.... it is truly one of the most hardest things i have ever tried to rid of in my life.... the fact that i may be going through it again maddens me, but it is not all give/take.... i get some things out of her that make me whole, not a lot, but i feel sometimes it isn't all that bad, but i have to be careful.... and that is the hardest part... trying to be rational and not invest so much of my time/energy and build my life around her... that is the trying part to which i am not all that very good at as of this point... write soon!
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Aug/4/2009, 7:36 am
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NEEDRECOVERY18
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Re: Female Narcissists
I have to admit this was the hardest and longest it took me to ever get over a relationship. Even with an ex who i dearly gave my everything to i have never experienced this sort of withdrawal which is scary, and sad at the same time.
I know it's hard to separate your life from theirs especially when they have already molded you to be codependent on them in a sort of way. I find the only solution to that problem is to try to stay away from them as much as possible. I couldn't recommend for you to find the exact reasons why you feel like you need them, and then just look for that in others because then you would be in a way like them. and that's what we try hardest not to be like even when we're around them. what are the exact things that you feel make you whole from being around her or with her? maybe if we could figure those things out we can focus on the bigger picture.
Because we both know that you two can't be friends forever (unless you turn into an N yourself or devote your entire life around her,which i'm sure is not an option)so what we have to do is help make the withdrawal a little easier, you've already pretty much made it a little easier now since you know what she is. i don't even know if you can relate them to humans?..... They remind me of evil entities that are designed to destroy the world of good and the people in it.
I find it especially if not just as tough to separate from the female N, because you don't expect a supposed friend to hurt or use you like they can without feeling for your pain. It's so strange because you would think that women are suppose to be compassionate or the nurturers. I hope this doesn't seem sexist in anyway.can you relate?
Last edited by NEEDRECOVERY18, Aug/5/2009, 6:25 pm
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Aug/5/2009, 6:22 pm
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green eyes13
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Re: Female Narcissists
Yes, i can relate very much. the withdrawal factor is very intense and painful... i don't understand it either and can't figure out why it took me so long to get over a friend who clearly was not a good genuine person. she didn't even think twice about it... maybe you're right about distancing yourself from them. it's hard because they seem to be wanting our company a lot.
you brought up a very good question, i am unsure if i do feel whole around the fn, but i guess it's the whole connection to each other... can't really explain it, but in general, there's a lot of frustration because they expect so much from us and don't really see how they appear and don't behave in the same way as they expect us to be.
no it is not a sexist comment you have made about females... i in general have been disappointed by female friends throughout my whole life and now i am understanding that most of them are fn's... so it has come to no surprise that as much as i lower my expectations around them and not expect anything from them, they still preoccupy my time. but i do feel that female friends should be more supportive and nice. fn's however have no compassion or empathy for our pain/feelings..... it is what it is...
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Aug/6/2009, 10:04 am
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NEEDRECOVERY18
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Re: Female Narcissists
At the time i couldn't understand why my fn could just say f##k me and just leave me so easily without even asking why or even blinking twice. That is one of the things that hurt me the most, to see that she could care less if i was their or not. It hurt me even more because when i tried to escape her as nice as i could by writing her a letter with reasons i couldn't be her friend anymore and why (which i think probably was a big mistake)she was just ready to curse me out and start up drama again. When i on the other hand would've been willing to take her back as a friend if she at least showed a little compassion or understanding towards my letter. Then when i called her to speak to her maturely more one on one (she liked to call up everyone she knew when she had problems with someone) the only thing she could talk about was how nothing was her fault because she was doing this and that. Then she went on to say it's not her fault that i started drinking (which might i add i never mentioned to her) and how i was doing less than she was yadda yadda yadda. It hurt me that she couldn't even reason the least bit, but that was the first time. after the first time i had took her back anyway.
I know it's hard to explain what they do to make you feel that you need to be around them. But part of the reason i wanted to be around her was post traumatic stress, and paranoia. In a way i was almost becoming like her needing her approval, and when i didn't get to be around her i would go around my others friends and almost do the same things she would do when she was around me. That's when i knew i had a problem and that i needed help or at least to stay away from her and other friends so i wouldn't turn into her.
I think when you start to feel the need to be around her you should look into yourself and ask what is it that i'm looking for in a friend, or even what is it that i'm feeling right now to make me want to do this?
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Aug/7/2009, 2:08 am
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