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15 year marriage but divorce only made hell worse

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sweettink28
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Registered: 03-2009
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15 year marriage but divorce only made hell worse

When I got married in 1991, I had no idea what narcissism was other than a greek myth. I went through it, and still didn't know what it was until I divorced it 3 years ago.

My ex is a textbook case. He was charming when we first got together, to the point that I thought my life with him was going to be wonderful. He was going to buy me a big mansion and luxury cars, and we were going to have a dream wedding with a big princess dress and everything. The wedding came and went and was a rushed trip to Las Vegas. Our rich life was living with my parents for the first 6 years of our marriage while he looked for a job only to be fired from 3 jobs in one year, but none of those were his fault. His bosses had it out for him. I had 4 children during our marriage (the oldest I fear has taken on many of these qualities herself), and stayed home to take care of them. This is the world's most thankless job anyway, perpetuated by the myth that I don't do anything all day but sit around and eat bon bons and watch soap operas. My daughter swears that I never even changed her diapers or fed her. She's been doing everything from housework to feeding, changing and caring for her brothers since birth.

My husband expected me to do all the housework, all the childcare, and when he said jump, I was supposed to say how high on the way up. I regularly had hand shaped bruises on my left arm from him grabbing me, but I was so used to it I didn't even notice. He hit me a couple of times, threw me across the room, but convinced me that it was my fault every time. The worst part was the abuse that is hard to prove, the one that doesn't leave visible bruises. He degraded me in from of friends, family, etc, but did it all in the name of teasing. "How come we never do what I want to do?" "You never give me any." and other comments that made him look deprived. Whenever he gave me a gift, and granted, he gave me some nice gifts, he wanted the world to know about it. After a while, it seemed like he was giving me things more to impress others than for me. It was hard for me to get a simple pair of jeans, and yet he'd go out and buy me tons of expensive lingerie. He'd send me to expensive spa treatments for my birthday and then ask, well, what did your friends think of your gift? He never asked if I liked it. Then he'd turn around and tell me I was ungrateful if I didn't give in to his every whim. There was always a danger of being hit, but the greater danger was in being rejected. His whims were often degrading, and usually sexual in nature. I was dying inside but I didn't know why. I should have been grateful for what he gave me, but I just couldn't be. He told me that I wasn't attractive enough that enyone else would have me, and I believed him, until I went to work, and discovered that there were many men that found me attractive. I didn't cheat on him at that point as tempting as it was, but I began to question him. I asked why he told me I was unattractive when other men disagreed. He accused me of cheating with all of them. I asked for a divorce, and he took away my access to the car (he drove me to and from work), took away my internet access, and took away the phonebooks and locked me out of the bedroom. He took the children out until late at night and then locked them up in the bedroom with him so that I couldn't see them. He told them that they were not to spend time with me even on my days off and sent them to a babysitter without my knowledge. I finally fled without my children, because I was basically a beggar at this point, begging for scraps. I haven't seen my kids for a single holiday since my divorce, because even if it's supposed to be my holiday, he makes plans with them, and keeps them away from me. I have filed motions with the court, but he's better at lying than I am at telling the truth and I've lost every time. It doesn't help that our judge has a tendency to rely more on hearsay than on proof of the facts. Just a couple of months ago, she held up that I owe him extra child support that I don't have the money to pay because of a typo in the divorce decree. I'm frustrated and at my wit's end with this. My children believe everything he tells them, and nothing that I say even though I tell the truth. It seems like nobody believes the truth.

Mar/29/2009, 5:43 pm

wearenotmissing
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Registered: 07-2009
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