HopeYet
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 706
Karma: 12 (+12/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Traits of my N
20/11/2008
Together 19 years – married 10. Here are the traits I have noticed. I may add to this as I think of more. It's theraputic to get it down on paper and it might just help someone else.
He isn't the violent, name-calling, 'obvious' N. Maybe these are worse, because you can live with them for many years and not be aware that your identity is slowly disappearing into his dark world.
He appears outwardly friendly, helpful, generous and jovial.
(I have often said half-jokingly, ‘Can I have some of that?’)
He thrives on praise and admiration.
(He is happy to let people believe he is the ‘main achiever’ in our business, even though I set it up and continue to be the back-room brain.
He claims he always tells people it’s definitely a ‘joint’ effort, but I have no way of knowing this. Not a big deal – just a bit annoying.)
He exaggerates to people he bumps into in the street. If we’ve got 6 employees he’ll say we’ve got 10. If we’ve got 6 vehicles, he’ll say 9. etc etc.
He reacts aggressively to any type of criticism or contradiction.
(Not physically violent to me, but will snap, shout, bang down cups etc)
He thinks nothing of ‘shouting me down’ in front of people.
(On numerous occasions I have told him not to do this. He just says, ‘I can’t help it. I have to react in the heat of the moment.’)
He has thrown a bread-board at me - a phone which hit me and he's whacked a door onto my elbow. But he says proudly 'he would never hit a woman.'
He will go out of his way to assist virtual strangers – sometimes at the expense of his own family.
(I’ve long felt this is to feed his need for ‘praise’.)
He always exaggerates the ‘positive’, and play down the ‘negative.’
(He’ll pass off an incident that really upset me as ‘trivial’, and ‘add on’ a bit more each time he recounts something positive about him).
He will always put himself in as the ‘good guy’ whilst casting anyone else involved as ‘bad’ , including me– twisting and manipulating the facts. He is extraordinarily believable at this and I can’t think of anyone who would not be taken in.)
He won’t take the blame for anything.
On the odd occasion, he might (after a good bit of time has passed) give a grudging apology but then add it was really someone else’s fault that made him do it/say it anyway.
He blames his ex wife for their marriage break-up even though it was him that left her for me. (It’s a long story)
(His accusations get worse every time he tells it.
It started off with him saying she was meeting a man in the park during the day, to ‘she used to run around with all sorts of men - so he HAD to leave.’)
He treats my adult kids with tolerance at the best of times but mostly with contempt –
(EXCEPT when we argue – THEN he treats them normally and with respect)
He has abnormally close relationship with his 30 year old daughter (NOT suggesting anything physical – but he has always talked inappropriately about sex from an early age.
Early in our relationship when he was staying at his mother's and then when he got a one-bedroomed flat, he would allow her to sleep in his bed. She was aged 13/14/15.
I think of them as the ‘Needer and the Feeder.’
He gives her elevated status – like that of a wife – and more, and has a lifelong history (her life) of giving whatever she wants/needs without question, limits or boundaries even if this is done in secret. Pattern is continuing with her children.
I now realise he has been deliberately playing me off against her all this time (trianglation)
Except for very early in the relationship – there has been no actual intercourse.
He prefers more remote methods of satisfaction rather than intercourse (in fact he can't manage it - for which he blamed me for being 'too big' which was rubbish according to a gynocologist I got checked out by)
He used to ‘stare’ at me. It was a bit uncomfortable, but I assumed he was looking at me with love/longing. Pah!
I used to say, ‘What are you looking at?’
He would say, ‘Can’t I look at you.’
He also told me that when he stared at (whoever – woman colleague) she would tell him it made her go ‘all funny.’
He thinks he can mesmerise women by staring.
In a conversation about breast cancer, I once asked him, tongue in cheek, how he would feel if I had to have one of mine cut off.
He said, ‘Well, it hasn’t happened so we won’t talk about it.’
He flirts continuously with ANY female. It works on some – not on others. If it doesn’t work he will persevere until he gets a result, or he will not want to know the person any more and even run them down. If it works he will ‘tease’ them, leading them on to think there’s a chance
If I challenge him about this behaviour, he will accuse me of jealousy and say they’re just friends.
I have said, ’You are giving (whoever) the wrong impression.’
He says, ‘Why are you worried. You know I wouldn’t ever do anything.’
He told me quite early on that he had been abused as a child by the scout master - I was the 'only one' he had ever confided in.
When we argue, he says I’ve never got anything GOOD to say about him. I only pick out the bad things.
Note – this has never got anything to do with why we are rowing in the first place – which invariably is never resolved.
He pretends to like animals, but has been known to kick our dogs (for which I went mad at him).
He admits he doesn’t get ‘emotionally attached’ to animals. He has no problem taking a dog to the vet to have it put down.
I should have seen a Red Flag when he once told me that he used to have a Jack Russell but he had to have it put down because it kept crapping on the floor.
He does’nt like me working on the PC in the evenings. He sulks unless I go and sit with him to watch TV.
Even if we do not talk all evening and just watch the box.
Never reads a book. Not interested at all in the poetry I like to write.
When I first met him, it was in a mainly male environment.
I asked him once (we were asking each other) what first attracted him to me.
He said, ‘I did something none of the others (workmates) could do.’ Yes, I was looking for a compliment - he gave himself one instead!
He often says he never has dreams (meaning he physically does not dream in his sleep)
He is an extremely light sleeper and has to have either the radio or TV on to make him feel 'safe'.
In our many arguments about the amount of time he spends with his (grown up) daughter he says,
‘She likes my company.’
He has gone behind my back to give her money, buy her shopping and has paid her mortgage in secret at least 2 months running (£700 per time).
He has a 'selective' memory. He 'forgets' about the incidents which have deeply hurt me, or he 'rewrites' history in his mind to suit his version.
Jekyll & Hyde personality. Never know what mood he'll be in one day (or hour) to the next.
Has abandoned me in a pub (the worse for drink) when we were away for weekend, leaving me to find my way back to the guest house - just because I was enjoying myself and he wanted to go.
Since I left him he is doing his best to discredit me. He is saying I've 'gone a bit funny' or having a 'nervous breakdown'. He is saying I am jealous of his daughter.
He absolutely hates being on his own.
He's a 'know-all'. He'd rather spout a load of gobbeldy-gook than say, 'I don't know.'
Last edited by HopeYet, Feb/2/2009, 12:53 pm
|
|
Nov/20/2008, 2:12 pm
|
|
pinkdaisy6
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 121
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Traits of my N
Wow!
The flirting, leading on and the going to great lengths to help others is so familiar!
And I was always told I was insecure, jealous, not strong enough in myself.
I don't know how I let him make me doubt myself all the time!
|
|
Nov/20/2008, 4:48 pm
|
|
WillowWhite
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 440
Karma: 12 (+12/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Traits of my N
HY,
Thanks for your post. I was especially interested in the part about his being abused by his Scoutmaster as a child. I strongly suspect that my N was sexually abused as a child, given his weird sexual habits. I wonder if there's a pattern here-- think I'll post a question to Dr. Vaknin.
Willow
|
|
Nov/21/2008, 2:35 pm
|
|
me too
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 3
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Traits of my N
This is exactly the other stuff that my husband does! Didn't know that there were any other persons out there with the same traits as him! Read my story to see how this has gone for me in the last year or two. It's husband and mother are this under the member stories.
Last edited by me too, Nov/26/2008, 10:59 am
|
|
Nov/26/2008, 10:59 am
|
|
HopeYet
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 706
Karma: 12 (+12/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Traits of my N
Pink - the flirting is just SO annoying. He gets these women simpering over him - it's all about power.
But can I get a bit of affection? - Oh no, he thinks that means grabbing my boobies every time he feels like it! Grrrrr!
Willow - He told me about this quite early on in our relationship (that's something they do apparently - deep dark secrets to draw you in & find out if YOU have any)
He told me I was the first person he had told about this. Yeah, right!
Me too -
It's amazing when you read similar traits and it makes it all the more real. A lot of it would not seem odd to 'outsiders' who all think he's some sort of modern day saint!
I'm going to add stuff as I remember it.
I'll go and read your story.
X
HY
|
|
Dec/9/2008, 5:03 am
|
|
zlata2614
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 77
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Traits of my N
Hi Hope Yet,
I saw on the other thread that you are in business with your XN, and going out of it soon. Could not be easy,seeing all the things he does, must be annoying, or simply the stuff he says could"drive anyone crazy".
I am in business with my XH, who was not N, however pick up some nice skills from my NM, that he tried on me. We started as family business, investment, went to hell and back, and as all dust settled it was me and my then H.He went back to school to take MBA in finance, and took "extra curricular activity", which was a deal breaker. He was actually certain that because of business , security, home,I wouldn't be able to give it all up. As it happened he was wrong, and I suggested that All can be done.here are some of my experiences.
Going into separation we didn't have equal numbers of company shares,as we were working on separation agreement , XH assumed it would stay the same, of course I had LESS than him.I asked to be equalize, as he noted , who would have the control? I answered that either 50-50 or I would like 51%, he would give me that ( don't be so stupid look), I kept my cool,(very important) since it was not any longer about a marriage, it was about a business deal.
We have a clause that if we can't reach an agreement about something we will go to mediator, trust me, reach an agreement.
We get each salary for what each of us do, and as one wants dividents, both get them. I manage, and try to be as professional and business like as possible. He does accounting, which goes back and forward with kids (reduces the contact time). I stay away from e-mail and phone, and stick to notes at the end of each month, and avoid any un necesary contact. this has been going on for 7 years, and as he gets to pick up sons weekends, I DON"T use that time to chat, or interact, although HE had tried.If he asks for me I have trained him to call ahead and set a meeting ( usually once or twice a year). he still tries to show up with books not announced, if I have to I see him , thank , keep simple, and only engage if there is an issue that needs to be clarified. Never do I discuss kids, or any personal matter.
One thing , he wanted to be president, so be it, I am vice, although all communications with outside world is with me, so I let him be, it cost nothing. However,I make sure I was paid accordingly to my work, get increases and mileage accordingly. As my XH didn't treat me with much respect in marriage, now he has to be civil and kind to me. I don't respond to any personal remarks, and as he has a good job outside of Company, has tendency to treat me as employee, look down, and say do this, do that. I keep calm, and to the point. At this time I don't care what he thinks of me, as I did when I was married and desperately seek approval, now it is ALL business.As I have changed my relationship with him, he tries to get personal, hell no!
And last, don't give up easily on your share of the business, say if you have to be paid off, have it evaluated, consult a good corporate lawyer, even if it is for an hour, and good luck!
I hope I could help, hope yet, Zlata
|
|
Dec/9/2008, 11:33 am
|
|
HopeYet
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 706
Karma: 12 (+12/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Traits of my N
Thank you, Zlata
It's a minefield, isn't it - early days for me - I make my break for freedom on Saturday......
X
HY
|
|
Dec/9/2008, 1:14 pm
|
|
zlata2614
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 77
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Traits of my N
Hi Hope,
I'll think of you and send you as much energy as possible.good luck!
One thing, make sure to have papers that are yours, with you, documentation you might need eventually, and copies of relevant info. Sometimes as we rush to freedom, we might regret down the road, that we didn't cover all the bases. Plus you are dealing with an N, who can be unpredictable.
Best, Zlata
|
|
Dec/9/2008, 1:36 pm
|
|
NEEDRECOVERY18
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 07-2009
Posts: 70
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Traits of my N
i never understood why the N i knew would always have this sick infatuation for cats and even said she looked like one but would abuse animals (she even left a cat in the refrigerator for hours). specifically my dog, she would kick it in the ribs sometimes as hard as she could. we have gotten into small disputes about it. but some how everytime i tried to tell her not to do it, or asked her about it. she made me wound up feeling bad about even asking her, or guilty for even mentioning the fact that she just hurt my dog.
sometimes i look back on it and cry that i didn't do more to defend my poor dog.
Last edited by NEEDRECOVERY18, Aug/3/2009, 1:37 pm
|
|
Aug/3/2009, 1:33 pm
|
|
Add a reply
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: Nov/30/2009, 7:53 pm
|
|
|
