deludedanddeceived
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Awakening #3
My friends were getting concerned, but I was determined to reach my goal. We had a good time. Got along well. Except that nagging stomach feeling wouldn't go away. I was relying on ativan and wine to quiet it, but they weren't entirely effective. I left his country planning to move there, essentially ignoring my gut that was trying to warn me that something was wrong. I remember a few things he said during that trip that were telling. The P was always making sure I knew that money wasn't important to him. True he wasn't materialistic but I later learned that he was great at controlling people by withholding it. He pointed out that his rented house was still empty, without furniture (he had just moved to start a lucrative new job). With regard to his disinterest in material items, he pointed out the boxes and boxes of books he had brought with him, saying "I always bring my books along because they are the only thing I care about." That might sound innocent, but it had a tone of really not caring about any person or thing except for those books. Another comment was related to his anxiety about my
moving in with him. He said I was a professional independent woman who earned her own way and, "what would I have (unspoken - to control you?)" A therapist commented that his statement was a testimony to his character. At one point during
the trip I asked him for some commitment to legally divorce his wife. He basically became terse with me and turned away,falling asleep without any concern whatsoever. I can't believe how easily he fell asleep. I stayed up all night in the kitchen crying. I left when the first bus was leaving from the town. Traveling on my own had always been therapeutic. I went to a nearby beach and wandered there and around the town. My eyes had been opened to an extent. I cried all day. When I got home, he wasnt' there early -concerned about my well-being. He actually came home late, which leads me to another
memory. My stay was only a short time and asked him to come home as early as possible because I wanted to see him as much as I could in my limited time. He disregarded this request and came home later and later. anyway, when he came home after my crying day, he said in a cavalier manner, "I came home during lunch to check on you." That's all. There was no emotion whatsoever. He might as well have said, "I went to the store to get some milk". One other thing that stands out vividly was when he insinuated that I had hurt him all these years. A single tear rolled down his cheek. I apologized for
hurting him so much. His wife later told me he could cry on command.
When I got back home I still had hope that something between us could be arranged. He abruptly stopped contact with me. IT MADE ME INSANE!!! He wouldn't return my calls. He turned off his phone. No resonse to emails. When he finally contacted me he wasn't expecting what he got. My eyes were finally open and I knew definitively it was done. The P coyly analyzed me. I was angry he wouldn't call me back because I couldn't control him. Wow. That really spoke volumes about his ideas about human relationships and his ways of interacting with others. He tried the usual methods, one after another as
they weren't working. I simply stated my rights and stance like a broken record, telling him to never contact me again. He
tried the sing songy "oh, come on don't be mad", making light of it, making jokes, saying he was sorry, making excuses, lying. I repeated myself like a broken record. At the end he was speechless. None of his tricks were working and he was literally speechless. That's how it ended. I felt great satisfaction. I had stumped Mr. Slick who got anything he wanted. But two years later I still can't even go on a date. I'm hoping that will change with time.
I should mention that the situation with his wife through all of this is too convoluted to try to explain. After I saw the light
we spoke quite a bit to compare notes. Those conversations just confirmed over and over what I had learned. I had to cut
contact with her after awhile because he continued to manipulate her and I could not stand the image of him taking
advantage of her. It made me so ENRAGED. Even though she saw a lot of his game, she was truly an abused woman and was still brainwashed to an extent. She did not have the advantage I did in the resources - emotional, economic, status, physical distance- that I have to cut ties completely. He succeeded in getting custody of his children, who incidentally hate him. Poor kids. His wife and I talked about our similarities. We were trusting, empathetic, naive, more physically attractive, and of higher social class than he. She and I determined we were challenges for him and utltimately trophies that he "won". We also shared horrible things he said about each of us; not to hurt one another but to understand the depth of cruelty he was capable of. It's amazing that even though he never figured we would share that information, he chose the most hurtful thing he could say about each of us and told the other. It's funny when she and I first started talking he became very paranoid and worried that she was taping his phone conversations. He really is a coward. He once said to me "that's not right (that you and she are talking)", sort of like someone saying "That's not fair." His wife added that was is a hypochondriac and takes an asprin at the first imagined symptom, while he dragged his feet in taking the kids to the doctor when they have a legitimate
condition.
He has tried to contact me through family and mutual friends. Really pathetic attempts. I see so clearly what a weasel and what a loser he is. I get a little satisfaction from that realization.
I am ashamed to say I was wreckless during this "relationship" (I really don't know what to call it). I did several things that are completely against my value system. I am astounded that through this all I believed he loved me so much and I felt guilty for not loving him back. How could I not love someone who loved me so much? He was so bizarre in some ways.
The only compliment he knew to give was "Why are you so pretty?" He repeated it over and over until it started to annoy me. What the hell kind of question is that and are you that uncreative? He would see a woman in the car next to him. Unprovoked he would say, "Hi ugly." He assumed that anything his kids did was because they were being manipulative. It was never because they were sad or anxious or upset about a legitimate issue. Very telling about his world view.
While some say these types aren't affected by blows to the ego, there is something that I could share with him that would
blow his mind. And the reason he would care is that I destroyed a possession he valued. I have fantasies of leaning into his face while he's on his deathbed and whisper it in his ear so that he dies with that torment in his mind. I'd like to act interested and lead him on and then tell him how hideous and disgusting he is - emasculate him. I'd dream about doing those things but I'm not cruel like him. I could never do it.
Last edited by deludedanddeceived, Apr/29/2009, 8:02 pm
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Apr/29/2009, 7:59 pm
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Dreamsshattered
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Re: Awakening #3
It is hard to believe that the one we love is NOT the one we dreamt of. I am still not able to accept that we have split, but slowly trying to come to terms with it.I know it is very difficult to come out of such situation but not impossible.
I still feel very miserable thinking of our break up, thinking why did we ever have to part ways, but I know I couldnt have lived all my life being abused.
I wish you too come out of this as early as possible so that you can live your life the way u wish and get the love you deserve.
All the best..
Last edited by Dreamsshattered, May/3/2009, 10:15 pm
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May/3/2009, 10:10 pm
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