lilshastina
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Registered: 05-2009
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Advise Requested/My situation
I returned to work after being a stay at home mom for years. Married 17yrs, 4 teens, and no life outside of that, work was to be my escape from the day to day. Fire Depts are notorious for the drama, however, I worked just a few hours during the day and had only two co-workers around at any given time, so what was there to worry about. Could come and go as needed for the kids and have some spare money to boot. In a small town that is a plus. Three months into the job and had a few friends that were of course in that environment, male. The jokes and commarodery seemed no different really than the situation with the friends that my husband and I had mutually. One, however, stood out from the rest eventually. His attention towards me turned to an emotional affair that escalated to a limited physical...meaning no actual intercourse, just hugs and kisses. Being married also, he put various boundaries on the relationship. No contact outside of work. Showered me with attention at first, then pulled away. This became the pattern. In Sept of 08, I discovered a pattern with one of the volunteers that was a mirror to our relationship at the beginning... all the attention part... When questioned about it, he became verbally defensive and denied any relationship. She's just a volunteer. Over the months from Sept to January, I begged on several occations for him to just leave me alone and let me work due to the relationship I knew he was having with this other person. Everytime it came up, he would lie. And when provided with physical proof of the lie, would say he was sorry he never meant to hurt me and lie all over. I threatened to tell his wife, I did tell my husband and he referred me to my Chief. Due to my own shame in this disasterous relationship, I didnt quite tell the whole story, just that I needed him to leave me alone. For three and half years, I have tried to be nice, I have been down right a B**ch(during the time I had proof he was having another afair with this other volunteer)He leaves me alone for one shift and the next shift comes back to my office like nothing is different or wrong, says hi, asks for a hug....just doesnt get the whole leave me alone request. Says he misses me, Im specail to him, he cares about me.....Which I really don't know how much of that is true...I would normally say it was all a lie, however, I have put him through alot and he just keeps comin back. In March 09, after 6 months of being constantly either angry toward him or acting like he is just a coworker and ending up fighting and going home those days just utterly drained emotionally, I gave in. We are back to emailing on occasion, calls rarely, and hugs and kisses at work. Yes, I fell in love with him...Well the him I thought he was. And yes, logically I know the difference....Emotionally it just doesnt seem to matter. I know this needs to end and is wrong on sooooo many levels...At this point, I need the job and income. Believe me, I have looked for another job that can be just as accomodating for my family and me make the same amount of money....There is nothing at this time...I still keep looking though. But in the interim, I am at a loss. If I continue to shun him, it is just way too emotionally turbulant at work, which lasts several days after his shift. And when Im back to feeling normal, it's time for his next shift and it repeats. If, as in right now, I give in and accept the situation, it's easier to work, but I have constant doubt that he is making a complete idiot out of me by lying and using me. I am so confused as to how to proceed. I know "what" needs to be done...it needs to stop...it's just the how I am having issues with. Side note...there has never been any kind of physical abuse or threats in the least, I in no way feel fear in that area. Please give suggestions....
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May/16/2009, 3:52 pm
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OVERIT09
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Registered: 03-2009
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Re: Advise Requested/My situation
He is messing with your emotions, you need to stop caring about what he is doing, and show it, by been indifferent to his behaviour.
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"People who know and feel what happened to them in their childhood will never
want to harm others."
Alice Miller
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May/21/2009, 8:23 pm
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