integrity8888
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Registered: 08-2009
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"I'm entitled to be selfish!"
The Synopsis: One of the last things I heard from her was, "I'm entitled to be selfish!" I couldn't believe she said this or that it was even coming from an adult. I ignored all the warning signs, bells and whistles, and red flags for so long and now I'm so mad at myself. I'm more mad at myself than her because I allowed her to treat me in this manner. The mental and emotional abuse was horrendous.
The Backgound: She and I have known each other for about 6 years. We worked in the same office for a couple of years. We started a so-called relationship just under 4 years ago. She had divorced a man that she was with for 20 years. He was, according to her, mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. In addition, he had many extra-marital affairs that she knew about, but tolerated. Talking to her she had a lot of baggage and a huge hatred for her ex. She has two children - currently 14 and 19. I had divorced a woman that I was with for 15 years. We had an amicable separation and continue to have an amicable relationship to this day. I have two children - currently 7 and 10.
The Situation: We openly discussed anything and everything. There was absolutely nothing we could not discuss or that was off limits. I hadn't been able to communicate like this with anybody in years. It was refreshing. We started getting closer to one another and it led us to begin being exclusive. One of the first things I noticed was her SEVERE hatred for her ex. I believed this would pass with time and offered my ear, my shoulder, and any support I could.
This hatred continued, however, and four years later (today) I can only describe it as just as bad and she loves to hate this man. Her hatred of him actually allows him to be more involved with her than I am. He is not very involved with the children and that drives her nuts, yet when he wants to be involved she will fight tooth and nail to keep him away.
Early in the relationship she would only come to my residence and then late at night after being out and usually intoxicated. This was only on the weekends. As things progressed, I began going to her place and I would stay the night once in awhile. There were times, however, that I would be pushed out and could not understand why. I naturally wanted to spend more time with her as we got closer. What I found out was troubling. In hindsight, the situation was the first indication of narcissism. Unfortunately, I wasn't aware at the time.
One weekday night it was quite late and I planned on staying with her. She went to an area of her house where the bedrooms were and spoke with her son. I was told I could not stay. I left somewhat confused. This occurred several other times. I passed it off as her needing space and the children getting used to me even though I had been there quite a bit and was involved with them on a regular basis.
I don't remember exactly when I found out, but I came over one morning and her son (going on 12) was sleeping in her bed. I asked to talk with her and said I was interested in the relationship progressing and would like to spend time with her and that included some evenings. She said she understood. This was a situation in which she would ask her son if it was okay if I stayed or him letting her know he wanted to sleep with her and I was the odd man out in an adult relationship. The sleeping arrangement was a daily thing. I confronted this head on and attempted to communicate with her stating I thought it was unhealthy and if her and I were going to have a healthy relationship it would have to stop.
About the same time, her and I went on a week long cruise and had a wonderful time. Or so I thought. There were appoximately 60 of my family members present as a cousin was getting married. Outside of the wedding and reception, her and I did anything and everything we wanted together. I thought we bonded, communicated, and bridged some gaps that had existed. Two weeks after being home, out of the blue and after the sleeping arrangement with her son came up yet again, I was told she was done. I attempted to discuss the situation and the only thing I got was that she was not ready for a relationship. That was it. I tried to talk with her and she ignored me and said "I'm not talking about it." I tried to call her a couple times and she would answer, but ignore me. I was devastated, but only had a year invested. This was approximately two years ago. I let it go and began moving on.
I begain getting texts about 1 1/2 months later. Yes, I answered them. She wanted to see me and talk. Interstingly, I was told, "I hope you're happy and if you want nothing to do with me, I understand." It was also the weekend of Father's day and she wanted to make me dinner. We went to the Detroit Zoo and talked and she apologized. I made it clear that I could not be involved with someone that could not progress in a relationship and I believed the situation with her son was inappropriate. She agreed and said it would not happen. I decided to give it another shot. By the way, during our conversation, she told me that while on the cruise I said we were going to get married. I told her I had no idea when I said that and had no intention of getting married at that point. She was, needless to say, very relieved. Again, I was not aware of what narcissism involved at that time.
If you couldn't guess already, the sleeping arrangements did not change and I confronted her. The reaction was horrifying - "I never said that," "I said that, but meant...," "Nobody is going to tell me how to raise my children," "I've talked to my friends and they say nothing is wrong with it and I'm going to continue to do it." I was at a loss. I actually began to think I was overreacting! I allowed it to continue.
I believe, looking back, that set the stage for what was to come. When we got back together, she had told me she was surprised I did not contact her. I told her that I said I would not and stick to my word. Ever since then, she has made it clear she will not make a decision like that, I will have to. Over the past couple years it has gone downhill.
We still, almost four years later, only see each other on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. If she plans something one of those days and I am not or don't want to be involved, that's not her problem and the schedule will not change. She needs her "alone time." She does not want to be "responsible for my house, for my animals, for my children. I want to run away." The schedule is 95% her family/friends and 5% mine. The communication that existed early on is totally nonexistent. There are days when NOTHING is discussed. A devastating blow to me was when my aunt died, who I considered my mother, and she did not come to the viewing, funeral, or wake. Her response was, "I was there after the fact. That is when you needed me the most." There are no pictures of me in her house. They were taken down after a blow up and the response is, "I haven't bothered to put them back out." We live one mile from each other and she will not come to my house. She will make plans with others and make arrangements for her son, but refuses to do so with me. Of all things, I spend a great amount of time with her children. She has nothing to do with mine and my daughter thinks the world of her. Shame on me for tolerating this of all things.
We had been arguing quite a bit lately over the time issue and I was more miserable being there than not. This past Monday, she said she was content with the way things were and did not see that changing. In addition, when her son graduates (4 years from now) she thinks she wants to be alone. She won't make plans and lives "day to day." It was during that conversation that she said, "I'm entitled to be selfish." I did not respond to that, but have been dumbfounded ever since. This is probably the greatest thing that could happen to me and my children, but why does it hurt so much. I spent more time being miserable than happy. I'm having a difficult time understanding how a person can be so callous, cold, and unfeeling.
This has helped, however, and I haven't contacted her since I hung up on Monday. Interestingly, she sent me an e-mail on Tuesday, apologizing for being "mean," but it was the only way to get her point across. She also said she was worried about me, I'm a terrific guy, and what she is going through has nothing to do with me. Again, all the right things to say, but for all the wrong reasons. I did not respond and refuse to. My problem has not been contacting her. It is being weak when she contacts me. As I said, the first time was 1 1/2 months later after being together for about a year. It hurts even more now that it is almost 4 years. I hope that I have been used up and don't offer her the supply she needs any longer (even though the thought of this hurts), but I fear the contact will come.
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