houlatina
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My Story -- A Cougar who met a younger N
By now, my story will sound familiar to you but I feel it's helpful to share our stories so maybe others can see themselves. I married my high school sweetheart. No,he wasn't the N. We had a very long and boring marriage. I felt like I was married to my brother. I actually met my N during the time that my marriage was falling apart. He was 24, I was 37. We met on the Internet and started a "friend with benefits" relationship. He was charming, easy to talk to, and very athletic and attractive. Most women would understand how an overweight, neglected woman would fall for such a young man that taught her pleasures she had never known.
The bliss lasted about a month. At that point we were having frequent all-day sex sessions. One Saturday, after such a session of extended epic sex, he announced that the sex could never get better between us. I thought he was joking, I was flattered. The true meaning behind his announcement was that he was no longer interested. From there began a pathetic 3 years of my trying to hang onto this N. There were so many red flags that I should have known something was wrong, even if didn't know about N disorder. It wasn't until recently that my Therapist explained it to me. But here are some of the red flags. The truth is, it's embarrassing to admit that I accepted these behaviors.
1. He felt entitled to special treatment. During our first month together, he announced that he would never spend any money on me since he was younger. I had my own career and plenty of money so this didn't bother me, but it should have. During our entire relationship I have paid for everything, including dinners, movies, professional sports tickets, numerous gifts, clothes, anything you can imagine. He never paid for anything or bought me a gift in the years I have known him. I would always borrow him money if he needed it. He never paid it back.
2. Idealization and then devaluation. When we first met, he said he thought I was unique, smart, and special. He seemed very impressed with my life knowledge and tastes.Then after the first month he set about making me feel like a crazy, stupid woman with no taste. He even told me that he normally goes through a phase when he is smitten with a female but that always wears off. And I'm not surprised, as nobody can live up to a N's standards.
3. He was a braggart. Everyone toots their own horn sometimes, but he was incredible. He felt the need to tell me every accomplishment in his life, from his Boy Scout merit badges to his college football glory. He was the best at everything. I could never compare to any ting he did. He would brag about the simplest things, like a female at college that would smile at him. I never understood why he had to brag about simple human interactions, but he always did.
4.He felt like a special, unique person. Being that he was a young athletic man, he felt he was a gifted athlete, no less talented that the professional football players he saw on Monday Night Football. He felt physically superior, mentally superior, than anyone else. I used to be impressed by his attention to everything in his life. He was very particular about his clothes and I spent a good deal of my money making sure he had the nicest shoes and clothes around. He was fashionable, took meticulous care of his body, and read every sports and political article he could. All in an effort to stay ahead of everyone else. He would tell me that I was "beneath" him and should be grateful he spent time with me.
5.He was only interested in himself. He was never interested in my opinion. My opinions were always flawed and inferior. He didn't want to hear about my life or problems like a normal friend. He simply did not care about anything other than himself and what was happening in his life. Nothing really existed unless it affected him in some way. He would ask me how my day went and then would walk away without listening to my answer.
6. Lack of empathy. There were a handful of times that we had arguments and it was clear that our friendship, as it were, was ending. When this would happen, he would lose his mask of being a normal person. Now, that is not to say he was a kind, caring person on any given day. He was not. He never said Thank You for anything I did for him. He never offered any consolation. He never said he cared for me in any way. But when we would have a fight he would say the most hurtful things and then never apologize or show any empathy or compassion for how I must have felt. During the last fight we had, which was less than a week ago, he said I was "unnecessary" and the only reason he allowed me in his life was that I was so stupid it made him feel that much more intelligent. He would say things like that matter-of-factly, with no emotion. Then he would see me the next day and act as if nothing had happened.
7.He withheld sex as punishment. We haven't had sex in a year, which is when he got married. Yes, married to someone else. And I still clung to his every word and rearranged my life to be available whenever he wanted. I know it's crazy. He was incredibly mean to me and at different times said he did not want sex because I was too fat, or too old, finally settling on the excuse that he just wasn't interested in me.
The bliss lasted about a month. At that point we were having frequent all-day sex sessions. One Saturday, after such a session of extended epic sex, he announced that the sex could never get better between us. I thought he was joking, I was flattered. The true meaning behind his announcement was that he was no longer interested. From there began a pathetic 3 years of my trying to hang onto this N. There were so many red flags that I should have known something was wrong, even if didn't know about N disorder. It wasn't until recently that my Therapist explained it to me. But here are some of the red flags. The truth is, it's embarrassing to admit that I accepted these behaviors.
1. He felt entitled to special treatment. During our first month together, he announced that he would never spend any money on me since he was younger. I had my own career and plenty of money so this didn't bother me, but it should have. During our entire relationship I have paid for everything, including dinners, movies, professional sports tickets, numerous gifts, clothes, anything you can imagine. He never paid for anything or bought me a gift in the years I have known him. I would always borrow him money if he needed it. He never paid it back.
2. Idealization and then devaluation. When we first met, he said he thought I was unique, smart, and special. He seemed very impressed with my life knowledge and tastes.Then after the first month he set about making me feel like a crazy, stupid woman with no taste. He even told me that he normally goes through a phase when he is smitten with a female but that always wears off. And I'm not surprised, as nobody can live up to a N's standards.
3. He was a braggart. Everyone toots their own horn sometimes, but he was incredible. He felt the need to tell me every accomplishment in his life, from his Boy Scout merit badges to his college football glory. He was the best at everything. I could never compare to anyting he did. He would brag about the simplest things, like a female at college that would smile at him. I never understood why he had to brag about simple human interactions, but he always did.
4.He felt like a special, unique person. Being that he was a young athletic man, he felt he was a gifted athelete, no less talented that the professional football players he saw on Monday Night Football. He felt physically superior, mentally superior, than anyone else. I used to be impressed by his attention to everything in his life. He was very particular about his clothes and I spent a good deal of my money making sure he had the nicest shoes and clothes around. He was fashionable, took maticulous care of his body, and read every sports and political article he could. All in an effort to stay ahead of everyone else. He would tell me that I was "beneath" him and should be grateful he spent time with me.
5.He was only interested in himself. He was never interersted in my opionion. My opionions were always flawed and inferior. He didn't want to hear about my life or problems like a normal friend. He simply did not care about anything other than himself and what was happening in his life. Nothing really existed unless it affected him in some way. He would ask me how my day went and then would walk away without listening to my answer.
6. Lack of empathy. There were a handful of times that we had arguements and it was clear that our friendship, as it were, was ending. When this would happen, he would lose his mask of being a normal person. Now, that is not to say he was a kind, caring person on any given day. He was not. He never said Thank You for anything I did for him. He never offered any consoliation. He never said he cared for me in any way. But when we would have a fight he would say the most hurtful things and then never apologize or show any empathy or compassion for how I must have felt. During the last fight we had, which was less than a week ago, he said I was "unneccessary" and the only reason he allowed me in his life was that I was so stupid it made him feel that much more intelligent. He would say things like that matter-of-factly, with no emotion. Then he would see me the next day and act as if nothing had happened.
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Sep/2/2009, 10:33 am
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houlatina
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Re: My Story -- A Cougar who met a younger N
cont...
There are more red flags I could post but I'm tired of talking about him. I simply hope another woman will see something familiar in my post and save herself money, heartache, and time. If your man is a N, run, don't walk, away.
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Sep/2/2009, 10:35 am
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RedLady4
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Re: My Story -- A Cougar who met a younger N
Dang i am sooooo sorry about this piece of a human if you can call him that. No one should be allowed to hurt someone like that. i am so sorry about what happened to u and hopefully you can work things out within yourself and get things 2gether and start living ur life. Truthfully my N didn't do me that way but when i did start living my life, etc. and i wasn't there to answer his calls you could hear on the phone his displeasure of not being available. I siad all of that to say this is what u have to do stop being available and live ur life.
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Oct/25/2009, 1:34 pm
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