femfree
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How the NPD Thinks - Seeing Inside the Mind of a Narcissist
Dr. Sam Vaknin
Insight to The Mind of the Narcsisist
Excerpts from "Questions to Dr. Vaknin" threads.
Page 1 of 3
Ignoring them is precisely what drives them up the wall
- and exposes their insanity.
"Why don't you just say "good riddance"
and throw a party?
Narcissists are capable of experiencing NEGATIVE emotions. But they misinterpret them. What normal people call dependence, they call love; and what is usually described as "self-pity" is to them grief.
"Self-flagellation is a characteristic of those who choose to live with a narcissist (for a choice it is). Constant feelings of guilt, self-reproach, self-recrimination and, thus, self-punishment characterize the relationships formed between the sadist-narcissist and the masochistic-dependent mate or partner."
"Pathological charmers react with rage and aggression when their intended targets prove to be impervious and resistant to their lure. This kind of narcissistic injury – being spurned and rebuffed – makes them feel threatened, rejected, and denuded. Being ignored amounts to a challenge to their uniqueness, entitlement, control, and superiority."
"By postponing (giving you the signature you need from him), he is maintaining his hold on you. It also provides him for a "reason" to keep in touch with you."
"Narcissists are often terrified (awed, more like it) by their own rage. They are also extremely lacking in self-awareness. Consequently, they never can tell when and where they have misbehaved and offended someone. They apologize profusely as a form of "insurance" or "hedging". It's like a blind person treads carefully even where there is no need to"
"The word "love" is understood by the narcissist to mean "dependence", "neediness", "ability to provide narcissistic supply", "becoming the narcissist's extension and property."
"Narcissists and psychopaths are like complex mechanical toys. If you have the owner's manual, you can make them do anything you want."
"The more helpless the woman - the more dependent she is on the narcissist and the better source of secondary supply she becomes. Narcissists avoid autonomous, strong-minded, accomplished women (unless they can play on their emotional vulnerabilities)."
"There is no "typical victim". Women in all walks of life, wealthy and poor, smart and dumb, tall and short, head turning and less so - all fall prey to abuse."
"The typical narcissist has a short attention span and believes that the world is a random, menacing place. Catch as catch can. Carpe Diem (seize the day). The narcissist lurches at any potential source with a "charm attack" that often, alas, proves irresistible. Very few narcissists are sufficiently cold and calculated to cultivate long-term sources of supply. It's now or never."
"Why is it so important to you to label him? He has clearly been abusive. Isn't this sufficient grounds for decision-making, even without the psychobabble mumbo-jumbo?"
"Wherever you are in the world, he is only a phone call away. You get away from him by NOT succumbing. It's up to you and only up to you."
"Most narcissists are lazy because they have a sense of entitlement. They believe that they are entitled to special treament without a commensurate investment of effort and time."
"Narcissists fear intimacy and they dread their deep-buried emotions. They are afraid to lose control. They regard a close, intimate, relationship as a threat and run away from it. You were dumped because you got too close for comfort."
"Why do you let him get to you this way?"
"As an object, you must "play your role". If you deviate from it, the narcissist will force you to 'injure him'. He will force you to act against him. He will torture you until you do and if you don't, he will invent some story (for instance, that you are smothering, unfaithful, controlling, etc.) and dump you. This defense mechanism - forcing others to act their roles in a script - is called "Projective Identification".
"There is no way to predict the longevity of any single relationship. It will last as long as the narcissist wants it to last, as long as he is deriving Narcissistic Supply, and as long as he hasn't found a new, "better", source of supply."
"Why should the narcissist look for another source of supply if the current source of supply is available and always accepts him back? Cultivating a source of secondary narcissistic supply is a VERY time consuming and energy depleting affair. The narcissist always prefers the path of least resistance (reverting to old sources). The old source has the advantage of having witnessed and "recorded" the narcissist's past grandeur. Her very repeated surrender" and "yielding to his charm" IS the narcissistic supply he seeks."
"You should not trust indiscriminately. No one is completely trustworthy in all fields. Most often our disappointments stem from our inability to separate one area of life from another. A person could be sexually loyal – but utterly dangerous when it comes to money (for instance, a gambler). Or a good, reliable father – but a womanizer . When they do give - they do so ostentatiously, in order to derive narcissistic supply from admiring onlookers."
"Narcissists are incapable of introspection. This inability to "watch themselves from the outside" is what often gets them into trouble."
"Impregnating the woman is a classic method of "controlling" and "binding" her down. The narcissistic psychopath aware of the shallowness and transience of his own simulated emotions - attributes the same fleetingness to his partner. Saddled with a baby, she is unlikely to vanish on him."
"A source of Narcissistic Supply is rendered "redundant" when the narcissist has found another source of supply. Once this happens, there is little the original - now redundant - source can do. Devaluation and being discarded is inevitable. This is because novelty and conquest are very important to the narcissist. They enhance his sense of omnipotence. He takes old sources for granted and the value he attaches to their narcissistic supply goes down with time."
"Narcissists of all shades can usually control their behaviour and actions. They simply don't care to, they regard it as a waste of their precious time, or a humiliating chore. The narcissist feels both superior and entitled – regardless of his real gifts or achievements. Other people are inferior, his slaves, there to cater to his needs and make his existence seamless, flowing and smooth."
"Compulsive, reckless, and addictive behaviors are part of pathological narcissism. You cannot heal your narcissist by loving and accepting him. Get over this kind of childish romantic magical thinking."
"A post-mortem of a relationship conducted with a narcissist is very frustrating because it never achieves closure. The narcissist is interested exclusively in allocating blame and generating guilt - not in progressing, developing, atoning, soothing, or concluding anything."
"Inflicting pain on others in a variety of situations bolsters the narcissist's sense of omnipotence."
"You can't control his narcissism any more than you can control his breathing. Quit deluding yourself."
"Tigers maul. Mosquitoes bite. Somatic narcissists cheat on their spouses and mates. That's what somatic narcissists do."
"Whether he contacts you again or not depends on many issues. What is painful to you may not be "painful" to the narcissist. Painful, to the narcissist, means humiliating, exposing, belittling, demeaning. Whether he contacts you again or not also depends on whether he found a substitute source of narcissistic supply and on whether he thinks that you could supply him in future, even as an auxilliary, "reserve".
Q. I need my N to sign a document, but he finds ways to avoid it. It's getting on my nerves because I want to be finished with him. Why is he doing this?
Q. By postponing the signature, he is maintaining his hold on you. It also provides him for a "reason" to keep in touch with you.
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
CONTINUED BELOW...
Last edited by femfree, Mar/24/2009, 4:19 pm
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Dec/8/2008, 10:54 am
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femfree
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Re: Dr. Vaknin's Snapshots
Snapshots Page 2
"The narcissist feels entitled to and deserving of ever increasing amounts of narcissistic supply. Narcissism is a drug addiction: as doses consumed increase - the impact (elation, "happiness") decreases. The addict needs progressively more to maintain his high. Additionally, it is not realistic to expect the narcissist never to encounter disagreement or criticism. Hence, narcissistic rage and abusive behaviors are inevitable."
"You should treat your mother the way you would treat any other abusive and malignant narcissist in your life. "
"Narcissists get tired of their sources. There is no mathematical formula, which governs this. It depends on numerous variables. Usually, the relationship lasts until the narcissist "gets used" to the source and its stimulating effects wear off OR until a better Source of Supply presents itself."
"Wake up and face it. He is gone. Go on with your life. He is not worth this kind of obsession. No one is. And it won't bring him back to you (for which you should be grateful)."
"Narcissists are compulsively competitive because their grandiose fantasies are unrealistic and unattainable. They must have the last word and the upper hand - or risk experiencing the excruciating grandiosity gap (the abyss between reality and the False Self-image). Emotionally, they cannot afford to be "defeated" and thus "humiliated". Too much rides on it - the very precarious balance of their personality."
"His bouts of periodic generosity have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Whenever he needs to fine tune his wavering sense of self-worth and to buttress his self-image as a giving, caring, and kind person - he is out to buy you a new carpet. You are sources of secondary narcissistic supply - mute witnesses to his largesse and big-heartedness. You are nothing more than that - the human equivalents of tape recorders. The sole justification for your existence is to attest to his magnanimity. Hence also his disappearances (when supply is plentiful). Exasperating, isn't it?"
"Only when the narcissist goes through a massive life crisis (divorce, death in the family, near death experience, bankruptcy, incarceration, abuse, humiliation, exile, etc.) - only then does he begin to reflect on his life and on himself. But, even then, narcissists are interested in getting things "back to how they were" - not in changing."
"Psychopaths have alloplastic defenses. They blame others for their mishaps and failures. You are the focus of his frustration and aggression. If hurting you requires hurting your children - he wouldn't think twice."
"You cannot help a narcissist. Narcissism is a severe personality disorder that requires professional intervention. Even then, the prognosis is very poor."
"Narcissists sniff other people's emotions the way hound dogs sniff blood."
"No contact is no contact, period. An ultimatum is a form of contact. No contact for 30 days may mean contact after 30 days (that's how the narcissist interprets it). Breach of no contact rule is contact. E-mail is contact. I only see a modified form of contact."
Q He has been violent toward me and (our pets) Now that I am held in the completely devalued and dehumanized role by him, he is menacing me everytime he sees me. In the last week he has said rather matter of factly: 1. "You know I'll probably kill you one day" 2. You might be found in a dumpster one day" 3. You deserve to be punched in the face and 4. "I'd like to hit you in the head and hear something crack." My question is, how likely is he to carry out his homicidal ideations?"
A"Get out of there and do it fast and comprehensively. And take his threats very seriously, is my insight, comment, and advice, rolled into one."
Q.Why do Narcissists abandon their efforts in mid-stream, give up, vanish, lose interest, devalue former pursuits, or slump?
A."A challenge, or even a guaranteed eventual triumph - are meaningless in the absence of onlookers. The narcissist needs an audience to applaud, affirm, recoil, approve, admire, adore, fear, or even detest him. He craves the attention and depends on the narcissistic supply only others can provide. The narcissist derives sustenance only from the outside - his emotional innards are hollow and moribund."
Q. I would like to know exactly what our N's were thinking when they first met us. Did they look at us and think "ah she looks like a good target, I'll try this one and see what happens, let's see what I can get out of her, what can she give me, what can she do for me".
A. Pathological narcissism - the addiction to and pursuit of narcissistic supply to regulate a labile sense of self-worth - is not a conscious CHOICE, or a lifestyle, or a profession. It is the quiddity (the essence) of the narcissist. Do bees plan to sting? Do tigers analyze their hunting patterns? Do mothers love their children by design? It just comes to the narcissist naturally. I see a beautiful woman, who is also reasonably clever - and I want to "convert" her, to make her admire me, to cause her to spread news and views about me and "proselytize" to ever expanding concentric circles of family and friends. This wish is the psychological equivalent of hunger or thirst (or sex drive). It is a craving gradually translated into a plan of action. But first comes the insatiable addiction to narcissistic supply - and only then a cognitive "blueprint" of hunting, conversion and conquest."
"Everything a narcissist does (or refrains from doing) is geared towards one goal: to obtain and secure the flow of narcissistic supply. If slandering you facilitates the flow of narcissistic supply (for instance, by provoking the sympathy and commiseration of his listeners) - he will slander you."
"When you need three years to say goodbye to your ABUSER - something is wrong. It is called codependence and is pathological. Healthy people want to put as much distance as they can between themselves and their source of pain and to do it as quickly as possible."
"If a tiger was somehow miraculously made self-aware and realize that it is a predator - would it stop its predatory behaviors and become a vegetarian???"
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
CONTINUED BELOW...
Last edited by femfree, Mar/2/2009, 9:27 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
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Dec/8/2008, 10:55 am
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femfree
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Re: Dr. Vaknin's Snapshots
Page 3
"I am cursed with mental X-ray vision. I see through people's emotional shields, their petty lies, their pitiable defences, their grandiose fantasies. I know when they deviate from the truth and by how much. I intuitively grasp their self-interested goals and accurately predict the strategy and tactics they will adopt in order to achieve them."
"A venomous snake can't help the way it is, but very few people try to befriend it."
"As far as children are concerned, the picture is mixed. Most authorities say that even the worst conceivable divorce is always preferrable to a bad marriage. Others point to studies that demonstrate long-lasting psychological damage to kids involved. But you can't sail through life unscathed. Divorce is part of life and your children had better learn and get used to this fact. It's your life, too, you know!"
"The abuser often recruits his children to do his bidding. He uses them to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate his target, the children's other parent or a devoted relative (e.g., grandparents). He controls his - often gullible and unsuspecting - offspring exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done - which causes tremendous (and, typically, irreversible) emotional hurt."
Technology facilitates everything, hunting for sources of supply included.
"To the narcissist, the Internet is an alluring and irresistible combination of playground and hunting grounds, the gathering place of numerous potential Sources of Narcissistic Supply, a world where false identities are the norm and mind games the bon ton. And it is beyond the reach of the law, the pale of social norms, the strictures of civilized conduct."
"You are clinging to him because you are codependent. It has nothing to do with your "humanitarian duty to find even a glimpse of humanness in this man". Face your problem and tackle it, if necessary by seeking professional help (therapy)."
"He is probably feeling relieved that he got rid of you - but this relief is mixed with fear that you would do to him what he would have done to you had the positions been reversed. Just don't forget that he also has a few tricks up his sleeve - he can inform your husband, for instance or spread malicious gossip about you."
You are nothing more than an interchangeable prop, an instrument of gratification, a utility. He values the supply and may even be obsessed with its high quality and abundance. But he cares not one iota about you. Sources of Narcissistic Supply are nameless and faceless faucets to be used, abused, bled dry, and discarded offhandedly. You are no different. No one is.
"Simply stay away from her. You represent bad memories and hurt feelings. She is very possessive and your presence is a continued narcissistic injury. Swiftly detach from her. No Contact."
You keep luring him in, "seducing" him by refusing to completely eradicate him from your life, delete him from your mind, erase him from your emotions. It is you who seem to me to be obsessed with him - not the other way around.
Most Sources of Supply refuse to believe that such callousness is possible, that they are so unimportant, that they have been discarded like old socks, that they never meant anything to the narcissist. So they delude themselves into thinking that it is the narcissist who is obsessed with them. Some of them even go over the edge and develop ideas of reference. They claim that the narcissist is stalking and harassing them - when, in fact, he has long lost all interest in them
"Does the narcissist want to be liked?
Answer: Would you wish to be liked by your television set? To the narcissist, people are mere tools, Sources of Supply. If he must be liked by them in order to secure this supply – he strives to make sure they like him. If he can only be feared – he makes sure they fear him. He does not really care either way as long as he is being attended to. Attention – whether in the form of fame or infamy – is what it's all about. His world revolves around his constant mirroring. I am seen therefore I exist, sayeth the narcissist.
Narcissists are always secretive and compartmentalize their lives. Keeping things secret restores the narcissist's sense of personal safety and omnipotence. He feels that he is again in control. He feels that the Sources of Supply, even when humiliated and dumped unceremoniously, cannot threaten him. It is less about punishing them – and more about avoiding punishment himself."
Q. How can I live with/be involved with my N. without being hurt?
A. You can't. Sooner, or later, everyone around the narcissist is bound to become his victim. People are sucked – voluntarily or involuntarily – into the turbulence that constitutes his life, into the black hole that is his personality, into the whirlwind, which makes up his interpersonal relationships.
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My prognosis is that you are looking for excuses to stay in touch with him and that you are bound to find many of them. Of course, only "on your terms". The "divorce" is meaningless if you continue to co-habit with him, talk to him, see him, and give him hope (and plenty of narcissistic supply).
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If a girl tells him: "I am not really interested in having a relationship with you, I am happy with my boyfriend" - this is ignored, erased, repressed, and deleted. The narcissist vehemently denies that this has ever been said and will be genuinely surprised if proof to the contrary (e.g., recording) were to be produced
If the same girl accepts his invitation to grab a snack during lunch break - the narcissist inflates her acceptance into full scale enthusiasm and a natural reaction to his own irresistibility. In his imagination, her acceptance is tantamount almost to actually having had sex with her.
Narcissists are incapable of love. They are incapable of adoring you - so YOU are never adored. They do adore their own reflection in your eyes (narcissistic supply). They don't even see you. You are as good (and as important to them) as a household mirror. Nothing more. You are a replaceable and interchangeable appliance.
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Q. Do they experience their addiction to narcissistic supply as love?
A. Impossible to know. When we say "red", "sad", "far", "hot", "pain", or "love"? These are subjective terms. There is no way to prove that any two people refer to the same emotion when they use the word "love".
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Q. "Is there a line that makes the "injury" permanent so that a Source of N supply is safe to assume he will never contact them again?
A. "No. The narcissist always comes back when his supply is depleted."
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"This fear to let your him out of sight (because he may do something horrible to you) is your abuser's main weapon. Your own imagination is your worst enemy and your prison cell. Children are terrified of monsters UNDER the bed or IN the cupboard - mainly because they cannot see them. As far as they are concerned, sight=control."
Remaining in touch with an abuser or stalker only GUARANTEES repeated abuse and stalking. It does not provide you with advance warning or with control over him.
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
Last edited by femfree, Mar/2/2009, 9:31 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
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Dec/8/2008, 10:56 am
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