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seekingnewhomeformyxnp
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Re: Questions for Dr. Vaknin
When my xnp is telling me about something he did he will describe it using words like "us" or "we". An example would be, "The customer really likes us." You wrote that you are more comfortble referring to yourself in the third person. Is this what is happening here? Is he uncomfortable using the words "I" or "me" because of low self esteme? I've noticed he uses us and we when he is talking about professional accomplishements. When he has been abusive, for instance his lawyer just sent him a letter telling him he is never to come to her office because of threatening statements, he will use I. He owns all his violent, intimidating, or threatening behavior, but leaves the listener confused about who he is talking about when he talks about professional accomplishemnts.
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Dec/16/2008, 6:12 pm
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samvaknin
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Re: Questions for Dr. Vaknin
Narcissists use such pronouns to distance themselves emotionally (the regal "we" is the most common, or talking about themselves in the third person):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal34.html
Approach-Avoidance Repetition Complex and Fear of Intimacy
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5000
Does the Narcissist Have a Multiple Personality (Dissociative Identity
Disorder)?
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4950
Narcissists as Drama Queens
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4948
The Narcissist as Know-it-all
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4945
The Narcissist as VAMPIRE or MACHINE
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/4944
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Copy-paste these links:
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy
http://samvak.tripod.com/siteindex.html
Buy 9 books about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
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Dec/23/2008, 9:31 am
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seekingnewhomeformyxnp
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Re: Questions for Dr. Vaknin
Thank you. This is very helpful.
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Dec/29/2008, 10:06 pm
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older2467
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Re: Questions for Dr. Vaknin
Thank you for your thorough reply. I have learned a great deal from reading the links you provided and will continue to study them.
I have read your selection "Dissociative Identity Disorder and NPD". It, too, was helpful and stimulated my question below.
I have previously considered that my N mother
was also dissociative but now I am confused.
She would yell, scream, criticize, demean, be extremely red in her face, etc
and the following day, she would behave as if nothing had ever happened. She would be very composed, calm, etc.
What is this dynamic? I would be emotionally decimated for weeks, not sleep well and so on from one of these outbursts. It was as if she was energized or even inwardly inspired by them.
Thank you in advance.
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Dec/30/2008, 11:03 am
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samvaknin
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Re: Questions for Dr. Vaknin
Hi, Older,
Read these:
Narcissists and Emotions
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5248
Narcissists and Mood Disorders
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/5067
Sam
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Copy-paste these links:
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy
http://samvak.tripod.com/siteindex.html
Buy 9 books about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
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Jan/1/2009, 8:01 am
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femfree
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Re: Questions for Dr. Vaknin
Hi Sam. Here is a question from K.
I've been going through a divorce for 5 years with my ex who is a narcissist. He left 5 yrs ago after I uncovered many things and filed for divorce. Our divorce was final 2 yrs ago.
My attorney just filed for my ex to just pay me what he owes me and end this. But once again he filed a response that had nothing but lies and now I have to spend time fightg the accusations.
Even though he is now making half million a year with his side business alone, he still has not paid me. He now wants me to kick our kids out, and wants me in the street. He wants a short sale and is trying to show he has spent money on the kids too so it should be even, and he shouldn't hv to pay me. He and his attorney are now swaying my attorney. How can I end this? I can't walk away, I'm on permanent disability and have a special nds child. This is literally killing me, health wise. Is there anyone that you know of that can advise me if you can't about dealing with a narcissist during divorce. Thank you
K
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Jan/13/2009, 11:37 am
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femfree
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Re: Questions for Dr. Vaknin
Hi Sam. A question from "me"
Often members who have lived with their Ns for many years are frustrated with the cold devalue and discard treatment they receive at the hands of their Ns.
This sadly happens often at a time when the partner needs them the most. The partners of the N may develop a chronic illness or when potentially lengthy treatment is going to be needed.
It seems to go beyond merely finding easier, better, healthier, NS and devolve into opportunistic intentional cruely and sadism. It appears to involve more than just the N's "I don't give a damn attitude, I need to get, not give from others."
My questions are
1. What's going on in the mind of the N that the N can shut off and cut off contact - often including cutting off health insurance and financial support, including alienating the partner's support systems when most needed?
2. Does the N purposely take advantage of the unfortunate circumstances to inflict maximum pain?
Thanks
femfree
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Jan/14/2009, 6:32 am
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samvaknin
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Re: Questions for Dr. Vaknin
K.,
You may find these of help - please click on the links (they apply to all types of relationships with narcissistic or psychopathic abusers of both genders):
http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/5.html
http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse3.html
http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse18.html
http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abuse.html
http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/abusefamily.html
http://malignantselflove.tripod.com/faq1.html
Sam
---
Copy-paste these links:
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy
http://samvak.tripod.com/siteindex.html
Buy 9 books about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
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Jan/15/2009, 10:25 am
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samvaknin
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Re: Questions for Dr. Vaknin
Hello, Femfree, good to see you here.
Not all narcissists are vindictive. My divorce from my first wife, for instance, was swift, fair, and amicable. It was over in 15 minutes and I haven't seen her nor heard of her since.
But, some narcissists are also sadists and enjoy inflicting pain. They believe that, somehow, their victims deserve the abuse because they are meek, weak, or merely "good" (a derogatory adjective in the psychopathic narcissist's vocabulary).
A narcissist would tend to display the sadistic aspect of his personality in one of two cases:
That the very acts of sadism generate Narcissistic Supply to be consumed by the narcissist ("I inflict pain, therefore I am superior"), or
That the victims of his sadism are still his only or major Sources of Narcissistic Supply but are perceived by him to be intentionally frustrating and withholding. Sadistic acts are his way of punishing them for not being docile, obedient, admiring and adoring as he expects them to be in view of his uniqueness, cosmic significance, and special entitlement.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq56.html
The Sadistic Personality disorder is characterized by a pattern of gratuitous cruelty, aggression, and demeaning behaviors which indicate the existence of deep-seated contempt for other people and an utter lack of empathy. Some sadists are "utilitarian": they leverage their explosive violence to establish a position of unchallenged dominance within a relationship. Unlike psychopaths, they rarely use physical force in the commission of crimes. Rather, their aggressiveness is embedded in an interpersonal context and is expressed in social settings, such as the family or the workplace.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders31.html
Narcissists are not prone to "irresistible impulses" and dissociation (blanking out certain stressful events and actions). They more or less fully control their behavior and acts at all times. But exerting control over one's conduct requires the investment of resources, both mental and physical. Narcissists regard this as a waste of their precious time, or a humiliating chore. Lacking empathy, they don't care about other people's feelings, needs, priorities, wishes, preferences, and boundaries. As a result, narcissists are awkward, tactless, painful, taciturn, abrasive and insensitive.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/personalitydisorders49.html
Question:
I am afraid of my ex-Narcissist. He stalks me, harasses me, threatens me verbally. Can he become real violent? Am I at risk? I am mostly worried about my children. Will he do something bad to them to get back at me?
Read about Guns and Narcissists
Read about School Shootings
Read Interview with Lehr Beidelschies
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/9.html
Narcissists invariably react with narcissistic rage to narcissistic injury.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal86.html
Most personality disordered people are prone to be angry. Their anger is always sudden, raging, frightening and without an apparent provocation by an outside agent. It would seem that people suffering from personality disorders are in a CONSTANT state of anger, which is effectively suppressed most of the time.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/mask.html
If you want the nightmare to end, there is a rule of thumb which requires courage and determination to implement:
Involve the police whenever possible.
Report his crimes as soon as you can and make sure you retain a copy of your complaint. Your abuser counts on your fear of him and on your natural propensity to keep domestic problems a secret. Expose him to scrutiny and penalties. This will make him re-consider his actions next time around.
Continue to read this article here (click on this link):
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse21a.html
---
Copy-paste these links:
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy
http://samvak.tripod.com/siteindex.html
Buy 9 books about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
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Jan/15/2009, 10:35 am
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