purplesage
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Dr. Vaknin, please help!!!
Hello Dr. Vaknin,
First, I'd like to express my gratitude for the work that you do. I've been in a relationship with a narcissist for more than a year now, and no one could help me... I went to therapists, groups, etc... therapists had no idea, they thought I was too insecure in the relationship. When I first read your website, it all got so clear for me!
My BF. used to be my spiritual teacher/therapist before I started a relationship with him. I thought, wow, what a great guy, I'd never be hurt again.
He's very good at giving empathy, talking softly to you, listening, going to places you like to go and ... it seemed like he was very caring and kind. However, every time I had any problems with anything he did, he would get extremely upset with me and would start psychologically "processing" me... I started to be paranoid about bringing up any issues I ever had with him... but recently I just coulnd't hold it back. I started telling him I have difficulty trusting him, he never helps me around the house (he doesn't live with me, but is at my house 3-4 times a week), never participates in anything I do. He was extremely upset about the trust issue. He said that I must not love him then. I explained to him that I feel he need women's emotional support constantly (He's not sexually promiscuous, he seems to need only emotional support), he goes out with some female friends, talks to them on the phone. When we talked about him not helping around the house (like when I cook, he never helps, never cleans, never picks up after himself), he said that he doesn't live with me, so he doen't have to... but said that once in a while he does help... and I'm not appreciative of that.
He also is EXTREMELY obsessed about his health... and constantly sick... He takes about 40-50 vitamins, herbs, minerals, live products to keep his "perfect" health... talks about his health non-stop...
Now, for the past 2 months, every time we had any disagreement, he'd say: "See, the relationship is not working, you're always upset with me. I'm okay with you, and you're always *****ing about me". He finally broke up with me 3 weeks ago. I didn't call for 10 days... then he came to my house when I wasn't there, left me a love note on my bed... so I called him and asked him why he's confusing me... he cried and said he didn't mean to... then he came over, we made love, he left... next day I mentioned being insecure about our relationship... and he said: "see, you're being insecure with me again!" slammed the door and said it's not working.
Then we talked again, he said he'd want to be close friends for now and see if we can develop safety in the realtinoship again... but I need to give him complete freedom and never be insecure... he just wants to enjoy waling in the woods, meditating, doning yoga and not worry about anything... I streess him out too much... I talk about future a a lot and he wants to just enjoy the present moment.
I agreed to the friendship... but in 1 week I started feeling even weaker and more insecure, so I emailed him and said I can only be in a committed relationship but we can start working on the relationship, like going to therapy, groups etc. I asked him to give me a yes or a no: basically asking him if the relationship is over or he wants to work on it.
He never replied back. it's been about 5 days now... and I'm going through emotional hell right now.
I'd appreciate your feedback, I'm just starved for empathy... because I'm blaming everything on myself.... what a bad girlfriend I was, didn't cater more to him!
Oh, he also told me a month ago that he NEVER feels guilty... he said whatever he does/did, he tried his best and there is nothing to feel bad about!
Thank you, thank you, thank you ... and bless you for the work that you do.
Liana
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Oct/15/2009, 10:20 am
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samvaknin
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Registered: 11-2008
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Re: Dr. Vaknin, please help!!!
I would be happy to respond to one or two SPECIFIC questions, either by referring you to relevant pages on my Web site, or, in the absence of such pages, by composing a response.
Take care.
Sam
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Copy-paste these links:
Encyclopedia of Narcissism and Psychopathy
http://samvak.tripod.com/siteindex.html
Buy 9 books about narcissists, psychopaths, and abusive relationships
http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/thebook.html
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Nov/4/2009, 11:48 am
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