femfree
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The Narcissistic Family Diagnosis and Treatment by Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman
The Narcissistic Family Diagnosis and Treatment by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman
http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1229876460&sr=1-1
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Closure and Acceptance
Let's say that there is a well in your backyard. It's very quaint looking: round, made of old stones, with a little roof on top, and a bucket that you can lower to draw up cool, sweet water. You have many fond childhood memories of going out to the well, maybe with a grandparent or sibling or parent, and they would help you to pull the bucket up. You felt important and proud that you could get water. Then one day you discovered that the well had been poisoned. When you drank the water, it made you sick. You were very sad that you could never go to the well and get that good water again. You thought and thought about it, and you came up with an idea: I'll go back to the well, but I'll use a NEW BUCKET! So you buy a bucket, get the water, drink it and get sick. The next day you decide to try to get the water in your favorite mug, the one with the cows on it, you drink it and you get sick. So you decide to try the water out of plastic glass, through a straw----you get sick. You try to drink the water standing on your head....
When you go back into dysfunctional hurtful situations with the expectation that you can "make it better," you are setting yourself for failure and pain.
Denial of Abuse: Fear of Abandonment
"I was kind of a bad girl, "Eleanor said bravely, trying not to cry but obviously overcome with embarrassment at having to admit her percieved "badness" to her therapist. "I don't know how my poor parents put up with me" Anyway, I'm here to deal with my aniexty attacks, not my childhood! Eleanor's emotionally distubured mother periodically battered her throughout her adolescence and was constantly accusing her of being sexually promiscous. In reality, Eleanor was a highly moral youngester who remained a virgin until her marriage at nineteen.
The children's fear of abandonment causes them to go to extreme measures to deny-to other people, and often to themeseleves-the reality of their home situation. This fear of abandonment often carries over into adult life life, making family-of-origin disclosures difficult and painful in therapy.
Acceptance without blame or guilt
Molten Gold, it can be poured into a mold for a bracelet or a bedpan. The gold does not make the choice; it it is not the gold's "fault" if it is molded into a bedpan instead of a bracelet. Regardless of intent, right or wrong, children get molded in certain ways. In order to understand and love oneself, it is important that one is able to see the reality of how was molded. In childhood, one is molten gold. The potential for goodness and beauty is all there; it maybe enhanced by one's upbring, or it may be diminished.
In life the bedpan can be melted down, and the the same molten gold can be reformed into a bracelet that is beautiful work of art. So it is with therapy: the adult, who has control she lacked in childhood, can choose to see the reality of the past, let go of self-blame and take responsibilty for reforming her present.
Responsibilty and Control
Adults raised in Narcissistic Families tend to take on responsibilty for things they do not control. They see no logical inconsistency in this, as it conforms so well to their worldview. It is difficult for them to master the concept that assuming responsibilty for something without being in control of it is inviting craziness-or at least, inviting failure, self -loathing, and feelings of worthlessness.
The Notebook
When patients are having difficulty grasping the concepts of setting boundaries and responsibilty/control, I hold out a notebook and say "Take this." They are surprised by the command but they always take the notebook. I ask them why they wanted the notebook. Of course, they can not come up with the right answer right away (since it not a legitimate question), but eventually they say something to the effect that they did not want the notebook, but I told them to take it, so they did. I explain that the notebook represents responsibilty, that there are all kinds of options that are available when someone asks you to "take the notebook." My personal favorite, which I often teach to survivors, is "I think not but thank you for asking"
Options The Story of Purple
Once upon a time, there was a great land called Purple. It was named Purple because everything in it was, in fact purple! The grass was a deep purple, the sky was pinkish purple, the cows were pale purple with mauve spots, and three suns and thirteen moons were purple. The water was pale purple, and the food was in shades of purple ranging from mist lavendar to midnightplum. Even the people were varying shades of purple. Everything was purple. In this land, not only were there no other colors, no one even knew that any other colors existed! Is it likely, do you think, in this land-where everything was completely purple as purple can possibly be-that one day, a young purple person would get out of her purple bed, put on her purple clothing, and while brushing her purple hair, look in the mirror and announce, I think I'd look better in green?
The answer is, of course not! Green is not an option
Products of Narcissistic family systems will undoubtedly have fewer options avaiable to them at any given time than persons raised in more healthy family situations. For these patients, the idea of having a menu of options from which to choose is foreign, if not bizarre. Options are not opportunities for success, they are merely multiply one's opportunities for making mistakes. There can only be one right answer to any given question. It is far easier for them to continue to see themseleves as deficient and guilty.
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This page developed by member butterflylove (Thank You!!)
Graphic by Lady Belle Designs
http://forum2.aimoo.com/LadyBelleDesigns#
Last edited by femfree, Mar/24/2009, 5:08 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
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