femfree
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What's Wrong with my Spouse? by Steve Becker, LCSW
What's Wrong with my Spouse? by Steve Becker, LCSW
Manuscript
Copyright © 2008
http://www.powercommunicating.com/manuscript/SPOUSE%20COUNSELING%20HUMOR%20book.pdf
Steve Becker's website:
http://www.powercommunicating.com/
Are you suggesting my spouse hid his true self? Intentionally?
Yes, but you had a role too. You entered the relationship susceptible to accepting him at face-value; susceptible to “idealizing him,” ignoring his flaws, the signs of lurking trouble. This doesn’t exonerate him: remember, he wanted you to think he was someone he wasn’t. He never was the original, promising blueprint.
We’re referring here less to a diabolical than a tacitly agreed-upon process of mutual deceipt and self-deceipt. Yes, your spouse hid his true self from you (at least, aspects of it). Perhaps not intentionally, but c’mon, of course intentionally. He wanted, on some
level, to close the deal before, say, some unsettling bit of information surfaced, like his crack-selling arrest years earlier, which, by the way, was just a mistake; a complete, and, by the way, resolved case of mistaken identity.
Can I dislike my spouse as much as I do at times, and still love him?
Yes. It’s possible for your love to persist even as your like dies, leaving you searching for a single attractive quality in your spouse. Often, it’s the “getting the like back” in your marriage, more than “the love,” that will make or break it. It can be difficult sometimes to prevent your dislike (which may be metastasizing faster than the mushrooms in your backyard) from overwhelming the remains of your love. But a good couples therapist can assist you in this process, by posing constructive, facilitative questions, such as, “When you look at Ted, Denise, beyond his arrogance, abusiveness, and impotence, can you find even the shard of a positive trait?”
Sometimes I think I expect too much from my spouse?
Think about what you expect from your spouse: You probably expect her to take almost everything you say in seriousness, seriously; to find you hilarious whenever you say something with comedic intent; to accept, and recognize the brilliance, of your positions on most, if not all, matters; and, to notice and assuage your disappointment whenever she fails, in your view, to register your significance on these and countless other levels. Ask yourself: does any of this sound unreasonable? This is your spouse! This isn’t your hair-dresser! It’s your spouse! From whom, if not her, can you expect, and feel entitled to, this kind of global attention?
You mention acceptance? How important is acceptance to a good relationship?
Research shows that partners who can accept each other for who they are (short of accepting chronic abuse)give themselves a better chance to have successful marriages than partners who can’t, or won’t. This is great news, for now your partner can strive immediately to be more patient, understanding, and less critical of you.
You’ve probably always dimly understood that, if your partner could just bring a bit more tolerance to the table—for instance, tolerance of your indolence, dependence on alcohol to cope with stress, and tendency to abdicate minor parental responsibilities (like supervising your kids in her absence)—things between you and she would be much better.
So, because you really are, in some ways, a rocket scientist, none of this research about “acceptance” surprises you. Matter of fact, it was a big waste of money—money that could have funded studies on PMS, and how to stabilize the emotional lives of premenopausal and menopausal spouses. Because any village idiot worth his appellation could have told you that “acceptance” is a good thing; hell, you were way ahead of this, way ahead of it. Next thing they’ll come up with is, “cutting your husband some slack” improves marriages. You can save them the money for that study right now.
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
Graphic BBW Misty Fotki.com
Last edited by femfree, Mar/8/2009, 12:28 pm
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