femfree
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The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel
Excerpts
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship
How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing
Beverly Engel
http://www.amazon.ca/Emotionally-Abusive-Relationship-Abused-Abusing/dp/0471454036
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Narcissism has not received as much attention as other psychological disorders, and yet it is often the cause of abusive behaviour and the core problem of many that suffer from addictions. In fact, it has been called the most hidden disorder of our time.
In spite of his air of self-sufficiency, the narcissistic individual is actually more needy than most people. But to admit that he is needy to admit that a person or a relationship is important to him, forces him to face feelings of deficiency. This, in turn, will create intolerable emptiness, jealousy and rage inside him. To prevent this from occurring, he must find a way to get his needs met without acknowledging his needs or the person who meets them. He accomplishes this by viewing people as objects or a need-fulfilling function.
With his spouse and family, the narcissistic individual does not even pretend to be grateful. They belong to him and are supposed to meet his every need. Not only will his spouse and children's efforts to please him not be appreciated but they can always count on his criticism when what is offered is beneath his standards.
A person suffering from narcissism will tend to either choose a fellow narcissist as a partner or someone who feels inadequate, invisible, and needs to hide in a relationship. This suits him just fine since he doesn't want to recognize the existence of another person.
As long as nothing infiltrates his cocoon, the narcissistic individual will not be aware of any serious personality problems. He thinks he has it all, andthose who know him will agree, since he has carefully selected them to be part of his world and thereby bolster his view of himself.
In spite of his aura of grandiosity and his bubble of self-sufficiency, the narcissistic individual is extremely thin-skinned. He constantly takes offense at the way people treat him (e.g., they don't treat him with enough respect, they don't appreciate him enough) and frequently feels mistreated. This may be the only clue that there is something wrong with him, but don't be fooled -- the person with NPD is suffering from a serious psychological disorder. While the narcissistic individual may not feel the emptiness of his life, his behavior and attitude cause suffering in all those with whom he has intimate contact.
It is important when dealing with a narcissistic individual or someone with strong narcissistic traits to keep remembering that is not a very conscious human being, especially when it comes to his own behavior. Although much of his behavior can be experienced as emotionally abusive (e.g., his arrogance, his dismissive attitude, his need to be right), he isn't necessarily trying to make you feel bad about yourself. In fact, the primary goal of the narcissist is to make himself feel good, even at the expense of others. His inattentiveness, his brashness and his insensitive comments may seem as if he is deliberately trying to hurt you, when in reality, most of the time he frankly could care less about how you feel. Most narcissistic individuals are oblivious to others and to the feelings of others. The only time you become imporant is if you upset the status quo in any of the following says:
- he needs you in some way or wants something from you.
- you confront him.
- you threaten to change things.
- you threaten to end the relationship.
For this reason it is important to not take what a narcissistic individual says or does personally. This, of course, is a very difficult task. But if you remember that in a narcissistic individual's world, he is the center of the universe and everyone else is but a mere satellite revolving around him, it might help.
The only time most narcissistic individuals deliberately try to hurt others is when they themselves feel criticized or threatened in some way (e.g., if you dare to question their ability or knowledge, if you tell them they are wrong about something, or if you challenge their authority). This is when you will feel their full wrath.
How Emotional Abuse Does Damage
The primary effects of emotional abuse on the victim are depression, lack of motivation, confusion, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, low self-esteem, feelings of failure or worthlessness, feelings of hopelessness, self-blame, and self-destructivness. Emotional abuse is like brainwashing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in his or her perceptions, and self-concept.
Emotional abuse poisons a relationship and infuses it with hostility, contempt, and hatred. No matter how much a couple once loved each other, once emotional abuse becomes a consistent aspect of the relationship, that love is overshadowed by fear, anger, guilt, and shame.
Your Abuse Journal
Begin by writing down all the incidents of emotional abuse that you can remember. Take whatever time is necessary, but write down all the details, including what abusive tactic your partner used and how it made you feel.
If you were abused or neglected in any way as a child or if you grew up in an alcoholic or tremendously dysfunctional household you are carrying the emotional scars of your childhood with you today. The abuse, deprivation, or neglect that you suffered damaged your self-esteem, causing you to underestimate your abilities and desirability.
If you were a victim of emotional, physical or sexual abuse as a child, you may have been an easy target for abusive partners when you became an adult. Because survivors of childhood abuse generally have a great deal of shame and suffer from low self-esteem, they feel no one will want them. When someone does pay attention to them they are grateful and vulnerability may blind them to any obvious signs of abusiveness, a need to control or dominate, or a tendency to be possessive.
There are mamy reasons why victims of emotional abuse continue to stay in unacceptable, even dangerous relationships. I've listed the most common below. Note which statements apply to you?
-My partner told me it was my fault and I believe her.
-I'm afriad Iam as unlovable (unattractive, stupid, irritating) as he says I am.
-I'm afraid no one will ever love me again like she does.
-I'm afraid of my own anger or my own potential to be abusive (it's better to be the victim than to be the abuser).
-I don't want to leave him all alone.
-I'm afraid of what he will do if I try to leave.
-I don't want to take the kids away from him.
-I'm afraid I can't make it on my own financially.
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Last edited by femfree, Mar/11/2009, 7:23 am
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Mar/10/2009, 2:17 pm
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seligman
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Re: The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel
While the narcissistic individual may not feel the emptiness of his life, his behavior and attitude cause suffering in all those with whom he has intimate contact.
This statement confuses me. Doesn't that contradict much of what we talk about with the N's and what we read? While I realize that he doesn't understand why he does what he does, I find it difficult to think he doesn't feel any emptiness.
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Mar/10/2009, 6:28 pm
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