femfree
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Tears and Healing by Richard, 21CP
"Out of suffering... emerge the strongest souls;
the most massive characters are seared with scars."
Kahlil Gibran
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Tears and Healing
The journey to the light after an abusive relationship
by Richard, 21CP
http://tearsandhealing.com/
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If you're like most nons, when you first face up to dealing with your partner's problems and what all this has done to you, you are confused and overwhelmed with feelings. You've lost touch with what is right and wrong, and what is acceptable and not acceptable. And you are probably fighting an amazing buildup of fear, hurt, frustration, deprivation and loneliness.
Although there is a lot of learning and growing ahead, in the beginning, the key task is to get your head screwed back on as straight as can be, and to get your emotions to a point where you can deal with them and process some other things, too.
Work on the confusion. The first thing you need to address is your confusion about what is right/wrong, good/bad. It's characteristic for BPs and troubled partners to distort their SO's (Significant Others) realities to support their illness. And since they isolate us, we lose the stabilizing input of others. So you need input.
One of my favorite recommendation: find some healthy people around you and talk to them -- family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, whatever you've got. They will help you. You'll be surprised how supportive people can be.
Our significant others are very sick people, and we tend to focus on them and their recovery. But we are sick too. We are damaged by abuse, neglect and distortion.
Obligation, quite simply, is the thought that we must do something because of a requirement or expectation of someone or something that is outside our own needs and wants. And often, our concepts of obligation run completely contrary to our needs. We know we want something else; we know we need something else; but we persist in what we’re doing because we believe that we must. Thus, obligation is what hooks us in and locks us down in hurtful relationships.
Our spouses must own their problems. They must bear the consequences of their own choices. They must suffer the pain of their own illnesses. This is not our burden to bear. I stayed with my wife through a time where I knew full well that I hated the relationship, needed more for myself, and saw no hope. Yet I thought she would die if I left her, and that her death would be my responsibility.
Work on the emotions. They are real. They demand your attention, and you can't shortchange them. You are hurt. You are neglected. You are abused and demeaned. These feelings are real, and you have them for a reason: they're the right feelings!
A disordered person is just that: disordered. There is no gem of personality inside the disorder. This is why they are called personality disorders - because they disorder the entire structure of the person. Living with a disordered person and thinking there is a sparkling diamond waiting for us to uncover is unrealistic.
Staying Realistic
My point in saying this is not that we must all abandon everyone who is not well, but we need to be realistic about what we are living with. Loving people don't abuse. Abusers are not loving people. And no matter how much we love our SOs, as long as they remain in denial, our love will not bring out some precious hidden personality. Only our troubled partners can make the choice to take responsibility for their own lives and strive to be well.
Protecting Yourself by Detaching
If the relationship is really harming you, and you cannot reasonably forsee a change that will remedy that, you have to start protecting yourself. Detaching is a way of distancing yourself emotionally from the actions, words, and feelings of another person. Al-anon is great at teaching this. Basically, you start to redefine what makes you ok and to focus on that. It is like emotionally circling the wagons. You push your spouse's actions and pain outside of your circle. You focus on you and what you need and what you need to feel. A simple example is staying awake worrying when your spouse stays out late. You stop that. You go to bed and to go sleep. You focus on you and what you need. You leave your spouse's problems with your spouse. You decide to be OK no matter what is happening out there.
Talking about detaching always raises a common idea: detaching from the behavior and not the person. I think Al-anon more often uses the words disease and person.
Read The Parable of the Tree by Richard CP21
http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.aimoo.com/Motivation-Member-Stories-Jokes/The-Parable-of-the-Tree-by-Richard-21CP-1-419570.html
Al-Anon on Detaching
At a time when things felt so terribly beyond my control, Al-Anon books helped me acknowledge my feelings and come to better acceptance of what was happening. This passage in particular helped me when my wife was in crisis:
Let go and let God. It sounds so simple. But when our circumstances or the circumstances of those we love weigh heavily on our minds, we may have no idea how to do it... Many of us review the same scenario again and again looking for that elusive answer that will solve everything... at the same time, we wish we could just quit fighting ourselves. As long as there is a chance of figuring out a solution, we reason, we should keep trying, even if days or months of such efforts have led to nothing but frustration and an increasing sense of desperation and urgency. We may secretly feel that this problem is too important to trust to God, as if we had the power to prevent God's will from unfolding by the mere exercise of our resistance. We fear that if we surrender, anything could happen - our worse nightmare could come true.
And in a way that is true: anything could happen. Even something wonderful.
Actually, anything could happen whether we let go or not. It is an illusion that as long as we cling to the situation we have some control and can prevent distressing outcomes from touching our lives. Surrender means accepting our powerlessness to change many of the realities of our lives, even when we find those realities to be devastating; it means trusting instead in a Power greater than ourselves. From "In all Our Affairs - Making Crisis Work for You by Al-Anon Press (see P 163).
If you have never participated in a support list you should. Support lists surround you with people who have been where you are; who have walked in your shoes, and can truly understand your anguish,. Whatever your concerns, whatever hurts, whatever you stumble over, someone is there to reassure and encourage.
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The managers encourage you to click on the link above and sign up for Richard's newsletters. And, of course, we highly recommend Richard's book.
Picture by Morguefile
http://www.morguefile.com/
Last edited by femfree, Mar/27/2009, 8:14 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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