femfree
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The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
Excerpts:
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
How to recognize it and how to respond by
Patricia Evans
http://www.amazon.ca/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Recognize-Respond/dp/1558505822
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I’ll never forget the day my husband turned into a stranger right in front of me. All by myself, I realized that **** (my ex) was really in a different world. We’d been married for 16 years when I suddenly knew – I really knew that what he’d been doing all that time had been wrong. Do you know what I mean?”
I nodded “Yes”, I said…”
WITHHOLDING
If there is a relationship, then there must be more than the exchange of information. A relationship requires intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy.
The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner, denies her experience, and refuses to share himself with her is violating the primary agreement of a relationship. Withholding speaks as loudly as words and is a category of verbal abuse. Simply put, withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one's thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward one's partner, to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference. A confirmed verbal abuser may go for months or years without attempting to engage his partner and without empathetically responding to her.
The verbal abuser who chooses to withhold can add a variety of flourishes and camouflages to his withholding, such as pretending not to hear, picking up something to look at while his partner is sharing something or watching television while saying, "Go ahead, I'm listening."
COUNTERING
Countering, another category of verbal abuse, is the dominant response of some verbal abusers. He sees his partner as an adversary. How dare she have a different view from his? If she sees things differently, he may feel he is losing control and dominance of her. Consequently he may choose to argue against her thoughts, her perceptions, or her experience of life itself. As a category of verbal abuse, countering is one of the most destructive to a relationship because it prevents all possibility of discussion, it consistenly denies the victim's reality and it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything.
DISCOUNTING
Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. If the partner does not recognize it for hat it is, she may spend years trying to figure out what is wrong with her or what is wrong with her ability to communicate. Discounting denies and distorts the partner's actual perception of the abuse and is, therefore, one fo the most insidious forms of verbal abuse.
One way to understand discounting is to imagine an item in a store worth one hundred dollars discounted to one cent. In this imaginary example, the item is discounted to the extend that it is deemed valueless, worth nearly nothing. In reality the verbal abuser discounts his partner's experience and feelings as if they were worth nothing.
If the partner says, for example, "I felt hurt when I heard you say..." or "I don't think that's funny, it feels like a put-down" or "I feel bad when you yell at me like that" the abuser may discount his partner's feelings, saying something that gives her the message "Your feelings and experience are wrong, they are worth nothing."
Following is a list of common discounting statements.
You're too sensitive.
You're jumping to conclusions.
You can't take a joke.
You blow everything out of proportion.
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
You twist everything around.
You're looking for a fight.
You always have to have something to complain about.
VERBAL ABUSE DISGUISED AS JOKES
Verbal abuse disguised as a joke is a category of verbal abuse which all of the women I interviewed experienced. This kind of abuse is not done in jest. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph.
BLOCKING AND DIVERTING
Blocking and diverting is a category of verbal abuse which specifically controls interpersonal communication. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent all possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting. Blocking may be by direct demand or by switching the topic.
ACCUSING AND BLAMING
A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing, or of some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship, blaming his partner for his anger, irritation, or insecurity.
Partner: “Somehow I feel closed off from you.”
Abuser: “I don’t need to be attacked like that!”
In this interaction the verbal abuser accuses his partner of attacking him. In this way he avoids all intimacy and all possibility of exploring his partner’s feelings.
JUDGING AND CRITICIZING
The verbal abuser may judge his partner and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing out to be helpful, but in reality he may be expressing his lack of acceptance of her.
TRIVIALIZING
Trivializing says, in so many words, that what you have done or expressed is insignificant. When trivializing is done in a frank and sincere tone of voice it can be difficult to detect.
FORGETTING
Forgetting involves both denial and covert manipulation. The declaration by the abuser that what occurred didn’t occur is abusive. Often, after the partner collects herself after being yelled at or put down, she may try to talk to her mate about it. He will have conveniently “forgotten” the incident, saying, for example “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not going to listen to this.”
DENIAL
Although all verbal abuse has serious consequences, denial is one of the most insidious categories of verbal abuse because it denies the reality of the partner.
I never said that.
You’re making that all up.
We never had that conversation.
You’re getting upset about nothing.
You’ve got to be crazy.
THREATENING
Threatening manipulates the partner by bringing up her greatest fears. Verbally abusive threats usually involves the threats of loss or pain. Some examples:
Do what I want or I’ll leave.
Do what I want or I’ll take a mistress.
Do what I want or I’ll get a divorce.
Do what I want or I’ll really be angry.
Do what I want or I’ll hit you.
NAME CALLING
Name calling is one of the most covert categories of verbal abuse, All name calling is verbally abusive. Forms of endearment such as “sweetheart” are, of course, excerpted, unless said with real sarcasm.
Do women unconsciously choose abusers to deal with their unresolved issues?
Most women choose mates who court them. Women usually experience an attentive and affectionate person because while he’s courting her, his approach to her is conciliatory, However, once he’s ‘gotten’ her he believes that ‘now’ he has certain entitlements and prerogatives.
“I don’t want to live like this, I want to change. I want to get help.” That moment opened up an opportunity for chance. A good therapist was crucial. My husband could slip back into abusing any minute. He agreed to therapy. I knew a great therapist for individuals. But to make a long story short, he wasn’t a good therapist for couples. He was gender-blind and therefore power-blind…. He wouldn’t read about my experiences…My husband who had come in accepting one hundred percent responsibility for his abuse, gladly gave it up. He had found a new ally in his effort to shift his responsibility onto me. Needless to say, his abuse of me escalated horrifically…I never expected that I would be abused by the psychologist I had enlisted to help, but that is exactly what happened.”
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Graphic Tag by http://moss4sats.aimoo.com/
Last edited by femfree, Mar/30/2009, 7:03 am
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