femfree
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
|
|
|
|
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor D. Payson
Excerpts
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists
Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family - Eleanor D. Payson, MSW
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0972072837/104-5445847-8511968?v=glance&n=283155
________________
Don’t be alarmed if you see aspects of yourself in these chapters. While you may have some psychological difficulties, you also have the capacity to recognize and be concerned about them. This is a psychological strength – not a weakness!
"The power of the NPD person to bring you into unconscious agreement with her belief that she is someone truly extraordinary is possibly the most remarkable feature of the narcissist. Before you know what is happening, you may be following her lead, enjoying the charisma, or perhaps intimidated by her persuasiveness, power, and authority. You may not realize that you are losing track of your agenda and, at the same time, deferring to hers. The narcissist's belief that you, too, are special because he has selected you to associate with him is the other compelling force at work. In fact, who isn't vulnerable to the warming glow admiration, especially from someone with such apparent personal power?"
"...the narcissist has learned that other people do not always do his bidding or meet his demands in the way that he expects. He has therefore, developed formidable manipulation skills, at times deceitfully, to achieve his goals. Sometimes these skills are a highly developed ability to charm and bring others under his spell or influence. Others times he may be exceptionally good at utilizing intimidation, power plays, or intellectual prowess. Yet another style is the martyr manipulation of using helplessness, obligation, or guilt. In many ways, the narcissist has assessed, with considerable skill, the vulnerabilities of another person. He then effectively manipulates this person until he achieves his desired outcome."
"...you may encounter the NPD individual who appears to never express anger. He may promptly or cheerfully agree with you on the surface and, once out of your sight, go about doing exactly as he pleases. When you attempt to confront this behavior, you are met with an endless variety of smoke screens consisting of forgetfulness, rationalizations, blame, or simply playing dumb as to how such a misunderstanding occurred...."
"The overall definition of someone with a narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by a combination of severe limitations in understanding other people and their feelings, as well as an excessive pursuit of what are called narcissistic supplies, such as admiration, attention, status, understanding, support, money, power, control, or perfection in some form. While all of us need these supplies in adequate amounts to feel a sense of well being, the narcissist pursues them with an unrelenting desperation and a keen ability to manipulate others. Meanwhile the outer persona of the NPD individual is generally one of confidence and control, alongside a smooth or charming demeanor. As your involvement with the narcissist develops you will notice that the relationship increasingly becomes one-way with you in the primary giving position."
However, the capacity for observing yourself and working on these characteristics is the critical distinction between having narcissistic traits and the full-blown disorder. In my private practice, I am quite familiar with the tendency for self-reflective individuals to see themselves in a multitude of psychological descriptions and quickly become alarmed. The simple fact that you may be concerned about having some of these problems is a genuine indicator that you have an overall healthy sense of self.
If the NPD individual has decided that you are a person worth pursuing, he will attempt to draw you into his arena, inspiring you and causing you to lose track of your own agenda and priorities. The NPD individual is compulsively driven to come out ahead in relationships and employs a number of strategies in this pursuit. The behaviors that accomplish this outcome have a variety of forms, but generally fall into one of the following nine types: Admiration/Idealization; Martyr/Guilt; Intimidation’ Distraction, Devaluing, Repetitive Criticism; Double Message/Double Bind’ Projection: and Emotional Hostage. If you are in pain because you are discovering that your partner has a number of the narcissistic traits we have discussed, you are probably in one of two stages: The first stage if one of shock, hurt, and confusion about your partner's temper or his/her cold detachment alongside the unexpected barrage of criticisms vented towards you. You are undoubtedly soul searching and appealing to your partner to understand what has brought about such hurtful and demeaning treatment. The second stage is one of accommodation. In this stage you have learned to negotiate your way around the land mines of his/her temper and critical attacks by avoiding any interaction and communication that you fear will cause conflict. Perhaps the tempest of these defensive behaviors have calmed down because you have 'backed off' and lowered your expectations of this relationship considerably.
"The brittle defenses, which protect the NPD person from feeling the inner wound to his unconscious experience of self, cause him to be exquisitely sensitive too the slightest possibility of criticism, being overlooked, or having his wishes dismissed."
"By contrast, the individual with a character disorder lacks the ability to recognize that he has a problem and, if confronted with this possibility, would not consider himself responsible in the matter. Essentially, the only difficulties or pain the NPD person will be conscious of are those negative consequences that his behaviors bring about, especially in his relationships. Regardless of his culpability, the NPD person will blame everyone else or the circumstances of his life rather than acknowledge that he has significant problems. A person who has psychological pain and is able to see his problems and expects others to take responsibility instead. Consequently, the deep and severe disturbance of an NPD person is primarily seen in the pain he or she inflicts on others."
A higher functioning NPD individual will have a rigid sense of right and wrong which tends to be black and white, or concrete. She will often be extremely judgmental of others and harsh in her opinion of the necessary punishments for wrongdoing. While she may rarely apply these same standards of punishment to herself, she will, however, be concerned about following her standards of right and wrong....The lower functioning NPD individual (in closer proximity to the sociopath on the continuum) will be prone to constantly bending the rules for himself although outwardly he may criticize others for a similar infraction or transgression."
"In a deeper relationship, the NPD individual will exhaust you in his need for your constant attention and appreciative support, yet his desire to charm you will insidiously give way to sarcasm and competitive tension."
The more days, months, or years you have invested in a relationship with an NPD person, the more difficulty you will have recognizing that you are on a one-way street, with all the attention, support, and recognition going the other way – his way! Your confusion and self-doubt are important warning signals that you may be encountering someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder. Your involvement with the NPD individuals is characterized by an ever-increasing effort to please and gain approval. However, like the Wizard, the narcissist’s approval is rarely given. Instead, you are more likely to see the unpredictable anger and rage over the smallest infraction or mistake.
Great sensitivity to criticism, or intolerance of anything perceived as less than a perfect performance, can cause the NPD individual to unleash an outburst of sharp and hurtful rage. At times these experiences leave you feeling helpless, unable to do anything but crawl off to a corner to figure out what happened. Over time, these behaviors insidiously lower your self-esteem and set you on a path of consistent and increasing self-doubt.
The narcissist is never the person he appears to be in the public sphere.
When you are involved with an NPD person, you may continue to tell yourself that things will eventually even out – that you will get your turn, and when the time does come, he or she will be there for you, too. Yet, as you tell yourself these things, you continue to ignore all the clues. Then, an event in your life focuses the spotlight on you, and you are shocked and disappointed by {N's} behavior.
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
Graphic BBWMisty Fotki.com
CONTINUED...
Last edited by femfree, Mar/8/2009, 12:03 pm
---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
|
|
Oct/26/2008, 10:38 am
|
|
femfree
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
|
|
|
|
Re: The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists by Eleanor D. Payson
Page 2
_________________
If we have experienced certain types of wounding in childhood, we are more vulerable to this type of attraction - the attraction to the grandiose self of the narcissistic individuals. Similar to the narcissist, we seek a substitute to compensate for our feelings of inadequacy. However, unlike the narcissist, we find this substitute through our attachment to the grandiose self in someone else. If you are codependent in this relationship, you are on the opposite side of the coin, gaining your sense of self through your ability to support and be an indispensable part of another person's world.
The narcissist's belief that you, too, are special because he has selected you to associate with him is the other compelling force at work. In fact, who isn't vulnerable to the warming flow of admiration, especially from someone with such apparent personal power? If we add that you also admire him for his accomplishments, or that he is able to facilitate your goals, the charm of the NPD person may indeed be irresistible!
Behind the scenes of this heady experience is the insidious conditional expectation of the narcissist. As he lavishes you with his attention, opportunities for special status, or financial enhancement, he also induces you into a sense of obligation and disproportionate loyalty. His expectations for the return on his investment will eventually be clear. Setting limits on his unrealistic expectations will be greatly influenced by your ability to keep track of your boundaries in the relationship.
At the beginning of a romantic relationship, the NPD individual is often the pursuer with an ardent intent to capture you -- the idealized perfect partner. Whether the pursuit is subtle or direct, the NPD individual will not rest until he secures his goals for the relationship. You may literally be swept off your feet by his adoration and intensity. This initial phase of the relationship, which is characterized by the NPD person's idealization of you, will be followed by a subtle or not so subtle 'turning of the tables" once the relationship is secured.
"The covert narcissist may manifest his persona in a role that is identified as humanitarian, such as the doctor, therapist, minister or missionary. In this circumstance the narcissistic needs for attention are acquired through the role, as the NPD individual harbors the grandiose fantasies inwardly that he is one of the "chosen" people, doing good work for the betterment of humanity. The narcissistic grandiosity in thes circumstance is manifested in a self-righteous pride and a feeling of self-importance that has little to do with the person's genuine ability for empathizing with the feelings and needs of others."
"You will remember that the narcissist's need for attention, power, etc., are primary avenues of experiencing himself as a self. Therefore, money is frequently experienced as a "self-object," meaning that it has for all practical purposes the significance of being as important to him as his arm or leg."
"You may remember that the narcissist essentially experiences and understands others as if they were an extension of his own self. He therefore, feels entitled to what you have to offer without concern for true reciprocal exchange on his part. This inability to recognize the boundary of you as a free agent with your own ideas, feelings, and desires, along with his intensely felt sense of entitlement, are the powerful forces at work behind the scenes in virtually every interaction."
"Another manipulative behavior on the part of the narcissist is a continuous ingenuity for creating a sense of distraction. While distraction can be positive or negative, you may notice an ongoing ability for the NPD person to defocus you or those around you from the intended agenda. For instance, just when a board of directors might be ready to discuss the implementation of an agreed plan, the NPD person raises a new issue and the subject at hand stalls out. This power to distract may be facilitated through humor, shifting the topic, making catastrophic predictions, subtly pitting individuals against one another, creating an atmosphere of distrust, or simply asserting a last minute change of mind, etc
"Consequently, you must achieve a bottom line of boundary setting ability with his person. This is essential if you are going to prevent problems or defend yourself effectively from the NPD coworker, or worse yet the NPD boss. Along with protecting yourself from hurt, exploitation, or betrayal, we are also now talking about self-preservation in terms of your career... In this circumstance, it is time for nothing less than learning the basics of survival...Begin to set limits on the amount of time you are willing to listen to your NPD colleague, and become more sparing in your praise and support. Identify and rehearse phrases that offer you a graceful exit from conversations of meetings. Pressing deadlines, important phone calls, even a restroom necessity can be assertive strategies to help you to limit your exposure to the NPD individual...Memos highlighting new decisions are also safety mechanisms, as well as memos summarizing discussions you had with your boss on matters relevant to your performance. These are public records, and you will want to send a copy to all individuals concerned. Two things are automatically taken care of here: 1. You clear up any misunderstandings that may have occurred by creating an accountability system for communication. 2. You will surface and/or mitigate any resistance on your boss's part to clearly state his or her expectations of you. You may remember that the NPD individual is often engaged in sending double messages that keep you off balance, such as changing the rules in midstream while acting as if you had already been informed. The memo system is a good habit to get into for the sake of surfacing this problem before rather than after your job is in jeopardy....I do not want to mislead you here. If you have an NPD employer who is threatened by you and/or is making your life miserable, you may only be, at best, in a position to implement damage control. You may not be able to prevent the inevitable conclusion that you must find another position or another job altogether. However, you will feel much better about yourself afterwards, if you exercise more control over what unfolds."
Set limits on listening time and rehearse exit strategies
Limit praise and support
Limit offering your expertise and ideas beyond what is necessary
Prepare for change-back defenses through mental and emotional rehearsal
Be alert to your guilt response and maintain your self-preservation measures
Find a "safe" outside support person who you can talk to
Keep a daily log of your work activities
Write memos of all meetings, changes to plans, or matters related to your performance
Send copies to other people involved
When under threat of the NPD person's devaluing agenda have a third party present at all significant interactions
Find another position if necessary, preferably before being fired
Be proactive
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
Last edited by femfree, Mar/8/2009, 12:04 pm
---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
|
|
Jan/17/2009, 9:17 pm
|
|
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: Nov/30/2009, 4:56 pm
|
|
|
