Gettingthere
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First Post from a newbie - Help!
Hello, these sites and links are a godsend - thank you. I'm in my 50's and was brought up by narcissists (and therefore have a few traits myself and have in the past always been drawn to them as they offered a familiar dymanic) also I'm a recovering borderline.
In the last few years I've managed to exclude most of the narcissists from my life...there's just one left now and she is my 'closest friend' within a small group where she is effectively the leader and very popular. I live in a small tightly-knit rural community and have nowhere else I can go; if I detach from her my social life will be effectively destroyed (you all know what narcissists can do by way of vengeance).
We've been 'friends' for many years, but her behaviour has become more extreme of late since she became single (and vows to stay that way) - more charismatic, amusing and engaging on the one hand, also more ruthless and deliberately cruel on the other. It's all about power with her, and enjoying the triumph of having the upper hand over people. Because I've dealt with a lot of my own negative personal material I'm no longer so willing to play the doormat as I once was, however even though I recognise that she is acting from fear and low self-worth, I'm still prone to the dynamics of this dysfunctional relationship, which is where the problem lies.
I know I can't change this person, I'm simply asking for advice in how to change myself so that I'm not so vulnerable to the levels of pain, stress and anxiety her capriciousness and controlling behaviours cause in me - guilt for behaving 'weirdly' or being a 'bad friend' and the ever-present 'threat of abandonment' and 'threat of exclusion' from our circle being her main punishments, together with gossip and bad-mouthing me - as she does to all those who don't co-operate with her plans.
She's charming, beautiful, highly intelligent, can spot anyone's weakness at a hundred paces and knows all of mine which is why I've been putting up with her gaslighting my evenings and weekends for the last two years. Every so often I 'crack' under the pressure of her power games and look completely unreasonable to everyone else within our social circle. I've tried limiting the amount of time we spend together but she either overrides it or 'punishes' me (see above) for trying.
Also, after I've spent time with her I find myself sneering at, nitpicking, judging and criticising myself and other people over nothing, just like she does, even using her intonation. It's truly horrible. Has anyone else had this, and how do I make it stop?
Does anyone have any advice please?
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Jun/28/2009, 11:39 am
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LynnS
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Re: First Post from a newbie - Help!
Hi, Gettingthere. Welcome to the forum.
You're in somewhat of a no-win situation when it comes to your friend. The answer, of course, is boundaries, but she will defintiely not take kindly to anything that smacks of a boundary. She'll be sure to make you pay or cast you in a negative light if you dare to say, 'No' to her demands.
There is a price to pay when involved with a narcissist or a disordered person. Either you pay with your own self-worth or you pay by potentially giving up the circle of acquaintances you're both involved with. They likely will side with her, at least initially, and that will mostly be out of fear. They know intrinsically that if she would do it to you, she'll do it to them and they don't want to be the subject of her wrath. Sides will be chosen which is exactly what she's counting on.
"Managing" a narcissist is exhausting. You simply can't ever be enough of anything for their liking. You could try the tactic of catering to her, as repulsive as that might be. Or, you could put up boundaries and be ready to let the chips fall where they may. They likely won't fall well.
It's difficult when you're in a small community and have a social circle that includes her. You have to decide what it's worth to you to be free of her manipulations and putdowns. The price is sometimes high. If it's too high, only you know.
Hugs,
Lynn
---
"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
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Jun/28/2009, 8:06 pm
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Gettingthere
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Re: First Post from a newbie - Help!
Thank you Lynn for your warm and understanding response. Simply knowing that others can relate to my situation is helping to keep me sane. The options you have set out are completely accurate and I don't know which I'll pick as yet...I'd like to be brave enough to go it alone, but the price scares me.
I thought I was further along the path of personal growth than I was, I guess the pain I'm experiencing in this difficult situation as my 'friend' begins to D&D me indicates I still have plenty to learn about how to become truly strong. I see that others here are learning too, and their posts give me courage to hold my head up high in the face of it all.
Thanks again, G
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Jun/30/2009, 4:36 pm
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