survivedandprospered
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Hi to All....My first post
Hi everyone
I'm sort of a newbie in that I have been reading the forum postings since Feb 09, learning about Narcissism and finding validation in what I went through in the relationship I had with my exN.
As many have said before me, this board has also been a lifesaver for me. I will post my history and experience another time but my name says it all for me. I survived what he put me through and I have gone on to grow as a person and taken all what i have learned to become even stronger than when I first met him. I have taken the time to understand who I am again after the 3 years I spent with this man with him wearing down my self esteem and confidence. You see, in his eyes he was Mr Perfection and only Miss Perfect would be good enough for him. In the beginning he told me I was the perfect one he had been looking for (He's 50yrs) He had the looks, the money, high profile postion and lots of female attention. He never stopped reminding me that I was lucky to have been chosen by him, and he would always mention that there were many other ladies who wanted to be in my shoes. I felt so flattered that this gorgeous man wanted little old me, who was nowhere near his league, to be with him.
As time progressed whatever I did was never good enough and through the masses of reading I have done on this board I now realise that no matter what I did, I would never be perfect enough for him. I gave all that I had of myself to him, I loved him so very very much, I did all that he wanted. I stopped socialising with friends, I stopped speaking to male friends. Yet he always wanted more. I wasn't happy until I knew that he was happy and i would do all I can to make sure he was happy.
One of the many, many things I have realised since completing my journey back to me is that he didn't care one jot about whether or not I was happy. All that mattered to him was HIM.
The end showed me that I meant nothing to him at all. And it is that, my D&D which occured in Jan09, that made me go NC and I have been so ever since. Even before finding this board I knew that the end had come for me. I knew that it was over and that I NEVER EVER wanted to see or hear of him again. The D&D was so painful. I couldn't believe that the love of my life, that I showed nothing but love and devotion to, could treat me like somthing he just stepped on. I never loved anyone the way I loved him. It hurt so much, So when reading of others who tell their story after being D&D'ed I understand exactly that deep physical pain you feel inside your body. You cant rub it or soothe it and it just hurts so bad.
I have been nc for 7 1/2 months and to all you others on the start of your own personal journey, stick with NC it really is the best present I could have given myself. In the beginning it was hard, but I kept playing over and over in my mind that "he does not love me, he never has and he never will". My own self respect stopped me from ever contacting that man again. The pinnacle for me was sitting on my bed, crying, thinking to myself "who am I, what do I like, what do I want, where have I gone" That kick started me on that long journey through the dark tunnel to find who I was aqain.
AND I FOUND HER. It was worth the pain and suffering, because I love that girl again. I found that independant, funny and playful, beautiful loving person that I once was. I made it out the other end a much stronger and wiser lady than I have ever been. The experience has taught me about human nature. I was naive before because I thought that when people said something, that they meant it. I thought if I was nice to other people then they would be nice to me. No so and I think it was that loss of innocence that was such a shock me, emotionally and physically. I really was ignorant of the evil that people will do to you to make themselves feel better.
The discovery of the N disoder, amongst other disorders has really opened my eyes to what has been existing around me all this time, but I never did see it. There truly are some horrible, cold and evil people out there. But thanks to the knowlegde I gained on this board, through reading other peoples experiences and the many good articles on here I made sense of what I went through. It helped me so much. I try to explain to very close friends the reasons for ExN's behaviour and why he treated me so badly during, as well as at the end of the relationship, but they really don't get it. Only you guys and gals on here truly understand what I'm saying.
He tried to break me, but in the end he only made me stronger....
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Aug/9/2009, 8:16 pm
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Keepontruckin
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Registered: 01-2009
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Re: Hi to All....My first post
quote:
He tried to break me, but in the end he only made me stronger....
Great line!
The xn actually said to me that he will break me. Ha!
Not even close!
---
Life's a beach.
Formerly NarcissistJunkee2
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Aug/17/2009, 1:35 pm
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survivedandprospered
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Re: Hi to All....My first post
Thanks KOT.
You know that line really does say it all for me. I went through hell at the end of the relationship, but the fact that I survived it all and went on to claim myself back, makes me feel stronger than I have ever been.
NC gave me that power back.
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Aug/18/2009, 3:39 am
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