LiveFreeNikita
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Hi, new here
Hi everybody, I'm new here. Wow this is a big step for me! I have been reading and reading for days...Am going through the whole shock phase, you know, where you read up and EVERYTHING matches up exactly to him, and what I've been going through. I stumbled upon this site really by serendipity, I don't even know how I got here. I was just surfing the web looking for ways to cope/support from emotional abuse...and it must have been my guardian angel.
In 2 days I've spent about eight hours or more of it reading! Maybe I'm a little too obsessed. Anywho....
I'm on week 5 of No Contact. The "relationship" that I was in lasted for 3 years...it wasn't until 4 months ago, that I realized I was being abused...it's crazy. All the long my reality was that it was me who wasn't good enough for him, if only I knew the ways to please him etc.
When we met (my narcissist and I), I had just broken up with a different guy within that same month, who used to beat me and sexually abuse me as well..talk about a rebound. I know now that my frame of mind was a bit screwy, even though at the time I was getting stronger, leaving an abuser, graduating from school. I felt like a new woman! I had friends and had become rather "popular"..I really wanted to start a new life and career. It happened so fast..I met N, and he came off as totally protective, we had talks and he would go on about how he admired strong women and survivors, that no one deserves to be abused, he idealized independent strong women--THAT was the picture he painted. We shared a history of child abuse. He came on as My Knight in Shining Armor (actually "my Knight" used to be my nickname for him). He also seemed so sensitive, he wanted to spend a lot of time together, he needed to be close often , and he was unusually jealous of other guys, but at that point he wasn't yet taking it out on me. Very sentimental he would act, he would bring me gifts and draw me pictures, he told me that nobody so beautiful had ever set foot in his house (he used to entertain many guests and that's actually how we met). He would tell me I was so strong, hold me when I cried, helped me through the past and my OTHER abusive ex.
I committed to him. I loved him so much...I don't think I had ever felt feelings so intense before. Heart and soul, I would have given up just about everything for him. And so I did. Big mistake. Eventually i stopped having friends...he would subtly show his jealousy, tell me "sensitively" that he was afraid I would leave him. I felt so afraid to hurt him after a while it was like I woke up one day and found myself to be alone, except for him. I remember him telling me he needed me, always asking me, "please don't hurt me, I've already been hurt". Some how so much of my time was devoted, that the diploma I had just earned was never brought to fruition. I never got a job.
I devoted all my time to him, until, like a switch, he would turn off the love and act like I was nothing to him, had no right to ask for anything, he would walk away if I started to mention something no matter HOW delicately I brooched the subject. He would just leave. He used threats (if you cry or want to talk about blank then I'm leaving). Other times he stared at the ceiling with his arms crossed when I'd cry, he didn't hug me or ask...I didn't tell. I stopped talking about things...I didn't dare mention anything. He stopped hugging me, but was angry when I didn't hug him. He stopped kissing me back, he never held me...but if I didn't go to quickly hold or touch him, he'd say "i really don't feel like you like me". Despite all these things, he still wanted sex often. But, where it had been warm and "loving" before. now he would NOT look at me during the act, and would squeeze his eyes shut and not touch me during the act. If I wasn't in the mood for sex he'd say, "now I feel bad about asking...I don't think you like me" or he would accuse me of being unfaithful. A couple times I mentioned that maybe I could get a job. When I let him know this, he would get even colder. If I mentioned leaving the house, like the one time I told him I wanted to go to the library, or the other time my washing machine broke and I needed to go to the laundromat, he said he was sad and that he felt I was going to meet someone else..he told me that if I went anywhere he wanted to go with me too, that it would be "fun" and help him feel better, more trusting. This happened every time I wanted to leave the house (and I was scared of the consequences if I didn't mention something I needed to do). Unless it was in a car, and since I don't drive, I went 14 MONTHS of NOT LEAVING MY HOUSE BY MYSELF. i'M STILL CONFUSED AS TO HOW I LET THIS ALL HAPPEN..
i told myself at the time it was because I loved him so much! That if I was different, and didn't do things to provoke his paranoia, that things wouldn't be the way they were.
But they were nonetheless. There would be times where the pain felt so intense, I'd initiate a breakup ( I was starting to suspect I could be happier another way), but then we'd get back together again.. Each time we'd get back together, he'd romance me even stronger than when we'd met. He'd focus his energy on showing me how sorry he was, how much he messed up, how beautiful I was and that he never loved another as he loved me (though he ALWAYS idealized his first). But he would even go so far as to say he loved me more than anyone. How we were perfect for each other, etc. He was romantic, cuddly, intimate, and sexually attentive, and tender and passionate..almost poetic. Yet every time we would reunite the cruelty would also become sharper, happen faster, last longer, and open up to new cruel acts.
Eventually it went like this: there would be intense romance. Then the slightest "slip" on my behalf (like not answering his phone call immediately), he would act edgy and distant and tell me he didn't feel liked or wanted. Then he would ask for space. He'd mention that he didn't want to hang out "constantly", that he felt more comfortable hanging out in the day than in the night. i was also expected to be awake bright and early to have him come over. When he came over he didn't really want to touch. We'd spend time for coffee, he'd end up wanting sex (that was the only touching I was getting, and I looked forward to it), he would still tell me he loved me (control?), he'd be off again, he said he needed to go job huinting (he went through 8 jobs in the time we were together). But I was expected not to leave the house, not to have a job, to hang out with him when HE was available, which was rarely. He didn't want me having friends, unless they were the ones HE spent more time with, and were the ones who knew his side and had never heard mine (except his telling of it) I chose no friends out of the humiliation, and lack of choice in the matter. He said cruel things to me, made me feel bad about my looks, and I was endlessly criticized, he'd make cruel jokes at my expense. We broke up and got back together 4 times in 3 years.
I was very, very alone. And in the house, jobless and friendless.
---
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
~Maya Angelou
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Aug/20/2009, 2:00 am
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LiveFreeNikita
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The rest of story
NOTE: sorry for all these words!!!!! Really! I have to continue the rest....just feels really important, even if no one wants to read everything..
Eventually, he got evicted and needed to stay at my house. He would have coffee with me, leave (he said he was going to the library to job hunt and then he would go to his mother's...where he actually WAS..I was expected to call him there) then come back at night, sometimes edgy like he wanted to argue, then tell me he missed me (but never actually touch me), we'd have sex and then he'd fall asleep. Both before we lived together AND after, the only human contact (besides my mother, who I was hiding the truth from---i was even hiding the truth from myself) were his little visits with me. And no leaving the house.
This is actually where No Contact started.
I got tired, sick and stopped taking care of myself. I didn't eat, didn't groom myself other than a shower, slept all day and couldn't sleep when he was next to me. I was so exhausted that I couldn't police myself or hold back. I mentioned one night, "could we spend more time together, if we're together enough that you're living with me, then why can't we hang out and do things together, and why do you keep me a secret, why do you never let me go out in public, with you OR by myself?"
His response ( I can remember it so clearly): "Two hours a day is plenty of time to spend together". I started to cry and told him that he didn't understand what I said. That I was trapped in my house for 3 years, that I was alone. This ( I remember like it was yesterday) is what he said: " Are you telling me that I did something wrong? Because i didn't do anything wrong. I have never done anything wrong, with any girl. I think you actually enjoy fighting". I tried to hug him and he shielded his head and face and told me to "get the f*** away" from him , "I thought you were going to hit me". All hell broke loose. I started crying and crying and he left to smoke on the porch..I told my mother that I felt like he was abusing me..he slept on the couch, and the next morning he unexpectedly packed his things and left to live with his mother. When he came back to get something he left behind, he slipped a note in my hand..it said "i miss you", nothing else. I then got an email from him saying that he "really put himself out there " and that I didn't seem to care, that I must not like him. I did the stupid thing of responding, thinking I could get some understanding, finally, at this point. told him everything he did to me was destroying me, that I missed the way I used to be, I mentioned that he had been to sex meetup sites before, when we had broken up temporarily, and what the hell was that all about. Well that really opened the flood gates, and here is the scary part. He sent me back the nastiest, evilest letter I've ever been written. It talked about how I "cheated on him" right in front of him, --BUT-- he was referencing me getting date raped in the woods, when one of our "friends" mentioned he could show me a place to go to the bathroom, and N trusted him to take me. I was drunk and don't remember the entire experience, except that I woke up in my house and numb all over. I only know what N told me, and that there was a fight after with this guy, and then he had brought me home.
But in the letter he called this CHEATING. Right in front of him. And that he had every right to go on a site to meet someone, if I had broken up with him, and that at least that way he could "meet someone who at least wouldn't need to have sex with anything that walks, before she decides to settle down with me" (even though it was a sex meetup site). And that was it for me, NO CONTACT started. I removed him from my facebook and myspace. He sent a "goodbye and thanks for the memories, you were a great person, but it seems you are moving on so goodbye" letter, and I didn't respond. He sent another letter saying he found a new place to live, that he missed me, could I please call him. I never responded. Now it's been 5 weeks. Since we broke up, I still haven't left the house. I do feel Ive been trapped at home so long. But I also feel trapped outside, where there is always the threat of seeing him. Not to mention, he walks down my street every day, to go to the new job he got AFTER we broke up. I'm scared of seeing him for many reasons. The bad memories, the fear I'll become more obsessed, the sick fact that I sometimes miss him (when our good memories creep up), the fear of his judgment still looms, the fear he may be with someone else, the fear that somewhere, within my heart, I still "belong to him".
And right now, the identity questioning is so severe, that words can't express. I don't know who I am, and is what I am now, just his creation...what about MY "true self"? The echoing has gone on so long I don't remember the true me within.
I never told anyone of what Id been going through until I told my mother 5 weeks ago. It still feels so painful, so twisted I feel at a loss to explain or express. I'm awake at night crying for hours without end, last night it was so bad I stayed awake crying until 10 this morning. One of the articles I read on torture, said something really profound...that language is too weak to express the pain and torment. And the isolation of it all, the whole process, lending you to miss the abuser.
From 5 weeks ago, I had only just learned I was being abuse...it didn't occur to me before, because I used to associate it with getting beat on, or outright sexual abuse. Two days ago I found this website by mistake. It gave me an understanding so dark it's nearly crippling... The SHOCK is hitting me all so deep, the learning of narcissism, abuse, the victim as a "disposable", that he relates only to himself, and nothing beyond. I feel so scared and lost. Just the thought that he will never understand or care ...But this site has helped me so much, although the shock is much more painful, it's actually giving me more freedom from him, somehow. I'm not really seeing the allure of the Vampire anymore (do sudden, momentary lapses count?) I apologize for this huge lengthy introduction, anyways....language is really a weak communicator when it comes to these things, and I wish I could have sized it down to a few sentences. But thank you for giving me an opportunity to express, and hello everybody.
---
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
~Maya Angelou
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Aug/20/2009, 2:02 am
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LynnS
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Registered: 10-2008
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Re: Hi, new here
Welcome to the forum, LiveFreeNikita.
I am so glad you have found us and so sorry you've endured what you have at the hands of this man.
Yes, emotional abuse is abuse, destructively and insidiously so. The push-pull and the blaming are exhausting.
Now that you've posted in this section to get started, I would encourage you to post on the main board, the General Discussion Narcissists section, as well. That's where most of the members go to read and interact.
The link for that section is here:
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f1
In fact, I would suggest that if you would like some more feedback, maybe you could copy this post and paste it in a new post on that section if you like. You've taken a lot of time writing it, and I think the members would like to share their own perspective with you. Many of them could validate your experience, I know.
Again, welcome.
Lynn
---
"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
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Aug/20/2009, 7:59 am
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LiveFreeNikita
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 Re: Hi, new here
Thank you so much, Lynn... The shock and embarrassment over everything is really overwhelming, but this felt like a safe place to start. I didn't really know where to post, but I 'll make that my next stop, thanks again for the kindness and support, and the warm welcome.
---
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
~Maya Angelou
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Aug/20/2009, 7:41 pm
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troubled
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Re: Hi, new here
Hi Im new here also, dont know were to start. I have been dating a guy for about 2years. My relationship has been pretty much a nightmare. This guy is in his 50s he is 10 yrs older than I. When I met him he had recently got divorced from a 17 yr marriage. I knew it was to soon him to be in a serious relationship. Therefore I took things slow. My guard was up, I didnt want to have anything serious however it happened. He was so persist-ant I ignored him, I made myself difficult to get a hold off. He was so persist-ant and such a nice person, he was so caring and catered to all my needs. I said to myself wow if this is the way he treats me now imaging how he will be if I give myself totally. He is everything I want in a partner. So I did I gave in, What a mistake, as soon as he felt confident everything changed. He became selfish and arrogant. He would get mad if questioned him, it was crazy I couldn't understand. We have been on and off quite a few times. We go through stages for a few months he is wonderful everything is perfect. then something happens and he changes from day to night we will have a disagreement it can be anything nothing significant and he will stop speaking to me completely as if I never existed. This is were I am at now. Its difficult for me cause I really love him and want to help him, he has been through allot and has he has noone. Dosnt speak to his mother or his brother or his oldest daughter, refuses to have any communication with his ex wife even though they have 2 underage children together. Nothing is ever his fault. He speaks awful things about his mother, wife, and everyone he dosnt speak to. I have witness a breakdown were he didnt want to get out of bed with depression and wanted to die, I was there for him and was able to talk and help him through that period and he was very grateful and thanked me for being there for him. So, I have a hard time understanding what I read that NBD have no feelings. Yet this person can stop all communication with someone he has a relationship with no explanations nothing. How can they do this, It has been 3 weeks since we have spoken. Its killing me, I have several of my personal belongings there and I know if I make an attempt to pick them up it will only open means to communicate again, and I will fall back into this game again. What should I do. Does the fact that he has made no attempt to contact me mean he dosnt care about what we had. Just like that no closure, I let him into being part of my family and friends. How do I explain to them this behavior- just like that someone stops speaking to you for no reason.. Im sorry for going on and on its just real difficult for me to accept this behavior i take very personal. and it hurts allot. if anyone out there has experienced something similar or can some encouraging words it will be greatly appreciated.
I made a big mistake I called him today. I used an excuse I need to pick up my stuff. I did leave valuable stuff at his house. I told him I would send a ups box with a lable were he can mail everthing back. Of coarse He says he wants to talk to me. I am suppose to see him today and I feel horrible. He can be so rude, I know I am going to be so hurt by his arrogant behavior. Here I go again.. Why do I put myself over an over again throught this abuse...
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Aug/25/2009, 3:38 pm
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lippykiwi
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Re: Hi, new here
Hi livefreenikita I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story I know why it's pretty long I've just started to write my story and probably won't post till tommorow because it is so long I need a break & it's like 2am here. I am new here just like you and stumbled on this site it feels as though someone turned the lights on. I have been devouring the information and am using it to stay strong. There are so so many things I related to in your experience. The seed of hope has been planted in me I am now plotting my escape.
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Sep/2/2009, 12:42 pm
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