courtqueen2009
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Registered: 09-2009
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New and thankful to find this board
I have been married for 22 years to the same wonderful, confused and supportive man. Together we have 7 children ages from 21 to 3 years.
The past year has been devastating as before my husband's knee replacement surgery; he was unable to stop memories of childhood sexual abuse by his own Mother (needy narcissist)from ages 5 to 21 years of age. These memories would come up every so often during our marriage but he would think something was wrong with him and bury them ASAP. However, for whatever reason he couldn't bury them especially when he found out he had advanced rheumatoid arthritis and needed both knees replaced. He had always been defined by his family as a "physical person" and this definition was used over the years, when I'd ask for their support in encouraging him to use his Chemistry degree to get a job. Any menial labor job was always called "a really good job" by his Mom and Dad's side of the family (they have been divorced since my husband was 4 years old).
Anyway, while waiting for surgery he began to drink and take his pain pills to excess. We separated and lost our home due to a mortgage scam. At first, he went over to his Mother's house but she made it clear that she didn't want any of our kids with him AND if he had any type of relationship with me then she wouldn't have a relationship with him. After this ultimative, he felt validated that his memories of her and the sexual, physical and emotional abuse he endured growing up with her wasn't him but a sad reality. Interestingly enough, his Mom seemed to know something was up with him and it had nothing to do with me but the past. His Mother would come home everyday after work and would want to take him to the homeless shelter with two of our older children who wanted to be with their Dad. Her current husband is a good man and I think is at his wit's end with seeing the controlling, mean and petty side of her. Plus, he is now seeing first-hand she isn't the long-suffering, sacrificing Mother she made herself out to be.
Finally, he asked his Dad (who I knew was a narcissist) if he and the kids could stay at his dilapidated rental house until he could find permanent housing. Despite our separation and with the number of children we have, it was almost impossible to not have contact with each other. His Dad, true to form promised him all the financial resources possible if he would divorce me. Then his Dad wanted my husband to make our two older children come back and live with me (due to the condition of the house). Essentially, isolating my husband at HIS house, which my husband refused to do.
Being at his Dad's rental house coupled with being in therapy for adult survivors; my husband began to understand what his Dad was doing: his daily, all day presence; when my husbnd talking to the kids the conversation interuppted by his Dad's stupid input and even when talking behind a closed door his Dad trying to walk in. Or, if the door was locked, when told to give them a minute the anger from his Dad that somehow my husband had done something terribly wrong. The borrowing money from my husband's work disability check and then leaving him (the kid's) broke with no food and no transportation, phone or way to contact me or anyone for help.
Finally, my husband let other childhood memories emerge that made it clear his Dad had sexually abused him from ages 8 to 10 years of age. Although his Dad's abuse wasn't for the duration of his Mom's abuse; his Dad's abuse was the most violent, painful and the threats to kill him, along with physical punishment made these memories the hardest to endure. I remember his Dad showing me pictures of my husband when we were first dating, thse pictures showed a 7,8, 9 and 10 year old boy naked in the bathtub with an older cousin (18 yr old) helping(?) to bathe him. I was uncomfortable with these pictures and didn't understand why they bothered me. Now, two decades later and a Mother myself, I know these pictures are inappropriate and an invasion of privacy at the very least. I do not have any pictures of my children in the bathtub or naked, except for our first two as toddlers.
I knew his Dad liked to embarass my husband (as did his Mom) and my ACOA background made me very confrontational about things that bothered me. From the beginning of our relationship, I was the verbal one that they (his family) couldn't "put in my place" plus my background, college education and family/friends made it hard for them to deal with me. In fact, they couldn't fathom what me and my husband (then boyfriend) had in common. He was my friend and he made me laugh like no one else. Of course, I knew that my attraction was partially due to my family of origin issues but I also liked that he was so kind and when he said he'd do something he'd do it. Whatever complimenting neurosis he had; the young girl in me will always believe it was true love.
Anyway, back to the present. My husband confronted his Dad about his childhood memories of sexual abuse and the "bathtub" pictures that was shown to our 15 year old daughter several months ago. Now, my husband has received an eviction notice from the rental house and is living with me. Which is fine because as a family we are stronger together; and, as a couple we are better friends/closer than we've ever been. My husband and I both know we each have strenghts and faults that hopefully the other has the converse of.
However, I refuse to let my husband's Dad victimize any of my family anymore. My husband and I had the rental house closed for occupancy by the health department. I know that an eviction notice is not enough to terminate occupancy and the next step is an unlawful detainer filing through the courts. What is frustrating is the only reason my husband was allowed to live in his Dad's rental house was because we were separated. This eviction notice includes my name and makes me liable for any damages my father-in-law may want to sue for.
Anyway, thanks for listening and let me babble about this situation that at times "gets to me". I worry that the harrassment from my father-in-law is being used to try and derail my husband's giant strides in his recovery. Yes, my husband's recovery is none of my business and he's taking care of himself.
I have issues from the past with my father-in-laws domestic violence and abuse through the years that has taken a toll on me, my husband and children. I hope to be able to have an outlet to discuss some of these issues that make me feel guilty, stupid and impotent that I allowed them to occur. The rigid rules from my family that allowed the unacceptable via "never be disrespectful to adults" or "parents love their children and want the best for them". My inertia to act and question what was obviously happening, my husband's entire family telling me my perceptions were wrong--- when I had covered this in therapy and ACOA, Al-anon groups with my own family during the first decade of my marriage. I guess, I don't get to graduate from being an ACOA afterall.
Being involved with a sadistic narcissist is such an insideous and purgatory inducing lifestyle.
Thank you for this site.
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